A Spark of Forever
by The Dreaming Soul Writer
Summary: Rachel has everything going for her: a rich voice, loving parents, a handsome and caring boyfriend. But will a single event, a single spark, ruin her for the rest of her life? Finchel's POV, Rated-M for content, set after "The First Time." Reviews loved!
1. The First Spark

**Hello! Salve! Other foreign words that mean the same as hello! Thank you for clicking on my story, it really means a lot! This story is going to be placed after the episode where Rachel and Finn have just had sex and from there it is free game; though I am likely to place some drama from episodes past that into the story (possibly, unsure as of now). ****Anyway...I hope you read, review, and, most importantly, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fox/Glee/Ryan Murphy/Finn (sad face)/Rachel/SO many other things...**

1) The First Spark

Finn woke suddenly, his mind going into full realization of something while his body was trying to wake. The sudden thought made him smile broadly, enjoying himself in the idea. The knowledge that it was no longer an idea, but fact, made him feel happier than he had been for a while. Turning his head to the side, his eyes glowed as he took in the sight of Rachel's slim and bare back.

He had sex with Rachel, his girlfriend.

No, he thought to himself as he reached out a hand and delicately brushed a finger against her soft back. He had made love with Rachel Berry, not simply had sex with her. He had sex with Santana Lopez two years ago in a crappy hotel that he couldn't even remember the name of anymore. There was no connection between him and Santana; each only doing the other for their own agenda. He may have lost his virginity then, but it was like riding a bike for a second before getting thrown off: it meant nothing.

Laying there with Rachel, only a few inches and two thin blankets keeping them apart, a warmth came over him. A pleasant feeling that stirred in him a sense of love and protection. He had made love to this woman because he would give everything and do anything for her, she was his everything. And he had a nagging feeling that Rachel felt the same way for him, an idea that made him feel pleased; he never knew he could of had that effect on anyone.

Smiling still, Finn drew his finger gently down her back to where the blanket hide the rest from sight. He was tempted to go further and remove the blanket, but a sudden fear of overstepping his boundaries made him pause. It was true that they had seen each other naked already but he really loved her, he didn't want to screw it up by making Rachel think him as a pervert who examines her when she was sleeping.

Even if he was doing that now and wanted nothing else to admire her beauty. He let his hand drop into the soft pillow of hair that fell down from her neck and onto the sheets. He was slightly surprised when Rachel suddenly turned her body around to face him, his one hand caught under her head and the thick hair.

"Why did you stop?" Rachel asked with a slight purr, one hand holding a blanket to her chest modestly while the other trailed away from the blankets to Finn's body. Her soft fingertips brushed over his exposed chest, him trembling slightly at her touch, and up to his face. She let the back of it lay on his cheek, a smile tugging at her jaw as she rubbed it among the slight stubble that was appearing there.

He gazed into her brown eyes and gave her a half-smile, making her smile widen even further. "Avoiding temptation." His eyes never left her face as he slid his only free hand up to place his hand against her own on his face. "You're the most beautiful woman ever."

"You're just saying that because we had sex," Rachel said, and suddenly her face went blank. Finn's instant thought was that something was wrong. Did he hurt her?

"Rach? Babe?" He asked cautiously, tightening his grasp on her hand as she stared at him. "Are you okay?"

"I - We had sex," Rachel stuttered and rose from his bed, staring wildly at her clothes that littered the floor and how his were mingled in with them. "I-I am not a virgin anymore..."

Finn leaned up with her, trying to ignore the pleasing sight of her bare back as she sat up. He placed a hand on her small shoulder, "Do you regret, err, doing it with me?" He felt his face blush at the words and was suddenly conscious of his own naked state.

Rachel spun her body around with a shake of her head, "No, no! It was wonderful and I am so happy that we did. It was special, Finn." She moved forward, dropping the blanket as she did and pressed her chest against his as their lips meet, both reciprocating furiously. When she pulled away, she rested her head against his broad shoulder. "It is just a lot to take in."

"I know, Rach. It will all be okay," reassured Finn, loving the warmth that was spreading between their bodies. He let his hands roam Rachel's small back, teasing the sides of her breasts as he did; extremely pleased with himself when his girl gave a small moan of appreciation.

His mouth moved lightly over her jawline, her skin soft under his lips as he brushed them gently against her face. He let himself tease a small spot right under the cover of her jaw where it meet her neck, then moved his attention to the expanse of flesh that was her neck. Her nails dug into his back, and he bit extra hard in retribution and she let out a little cry. "Finn!"

"Rach." He returned simply, and glanced up into her face. She gave him a glare of anger, but he smiled and it disappeared.

"That smile is just not fair! How is a girl supposed to get what they want when they have to deal with that? Plain wrong and totally unfair."

"Noooo," Finn shook his head incredulously. "That skirt you wore yesterday wasn't fair! So teasing, yet so tempting. Reminded me of a Cheerios outfit." A lust-filled glint appeared in his eyes. "I wonder...what would you look like in one?"

Rachel knocked an eyebrow dangerously, and dug a thumb playfully into his back. "Keep dreaming, Finn. The only way I ever dress up - as a Cheerio - is if our life was suddenly turned into a Broadway musical or a TV show and I was, sadly, forced to play a cheerleader."

"You would be a hot cheerleader," acknowledged Finn, chuckling as Rachel hit him in the shoulder. She shook her head, then glanced at the clock and reeled back.

"It's five o' clock! Oh no, oh no." Rachel jumped out of his bed, ignoring Finn's attempt to bring her back and his whine. "My parents get up at six every morning, no matter if they work or not; where do you think I get my strict schedule from?"

Finn choose not to answer that question, and looked at her with a pout. "But it's only five, you could make it back easily if I drove you and we could still cuddle for another half-an-hour. Please?" He put on his infamous smile, making sure that she got a direct look at it.

Rachel slipped into her skirt and gave him a little twirl, the sides flowing up as she did. Finn whined again. "Tease for a tease. Sorry, but I have to work on my NYADA application and we both know that I won't get it done if you come along."

"It'll get done," Finn complained, sitting up in the bed and patting the spot next to him. "Just because it will probably not be finished today, or tomorrow, doesn't mean that it won't get done ever. Just pre-castrate like I do."

Rachel giggled and gave him a kiss on the cheek, once again dodging his hands. "It's called procrastinating. I have to go, but I love you. Also, you should keep the stubble look: it makes you look so sexy."

"Love you too," Finn grinned, letting his love reach both his smile and his face. He loved the way her face brightened as she saw his own face. It suddenly turned into amusement.

"Talk to you later, Finn." She stepped out of his room and, catching him by surprise, she suddenly put her head back through the doorway. "I love how easy it is to see your love."

Finn frowned, confused. "You mean in my eyes and face?"

"Don't forget about Little Finn. He's showing." She left, her laugh echoing throughout the empty house and as Finn yelled back.

"He dies not appreciate being called little!"

Rachel shivered as she stepped out into the cold air of October and glanced up at the slowly brightening sky; though gray and threatening clouds loomed above. The tiny young woman frowned, she didn't really like the cold. It always led to people getting sick, spreading their nasty germs around, and somehow it all got back to her. Did she not have enough issues (like Mercedes, slushies, Sectionals, everyone trying to tear her down as a star, student elections, worrying about NYADA) to deal with to worry about getting sick!

"Just the path of a star, Berry," Rachel said to herself, then glancing back to the house behind her with a small grin. "At least, I have Finn. And with him by my side, my life can never go wrong." She took a deep and placid sigh, winking at Finn's window even though she knew that he probably was already fast asleep again. The boy could sleep anywhere. "My life is perfect..."

Looking back, Rachel wanted to punch herself in the face for her naivete and belief in a perfect world. But how could she know that everything was going to change for her that day; ruining the very fabric of her life with a single event, mocking her with its dark memory.

Humming to herself as she zipped up her jacket and started toward her home, wishing that she had chosen to drive instead of walk to Finn's house. Though she had planned to make him feel better with himself, not sleep with him. But in that moment, when she saw the boy she loved break-down completely over the loss of his future, she knew: this was the person she wanted to be with. Finn was always so sweet and caring; true, he had made some mistakes that Rachel still really couldn't understand why he did them but she had done the same. The point was that she couldn't imagine anyone else taking away her v-card, as most morons in McKinley called it, and was happy that it was with Finn, someone she knew that she could count on.

But he apparently couldn't count on you for taking his card away, a voice said cruelly from the back of her mind that sounded exactly like Quinn Fabray, and had to have Santana swipe it for him.

It hurt. It hurt so badly! Yet, Rachel stopped as she was crossing the street and had to close her eyes,

she couldn't blame Finn. She had been rash, she grudgingly realized, when she tried to start dating Finn so close to his break-up with Quinn and all the baby drama. She never allowed him to even have a small second to collect his thoughts before she pounced on him, not able to keep her hands away. She shouldn't have been so surprised or hurt when he denied her, and, in her jealousy, she was so stupid to have started dating Jesse.

Jesse.

The very mention of his name made her shudder, a movement that had nothing to do with the cool morning weather. So many feelings ran through her: confusion, anger, sadness, regret, pain, betrayal. She thought he was like another Finn, maybe a little bit more abrasive and a clearly better dancer, but they both had that same boyish charm.

Well, one was acting that he had a boyish charm. She could still feel the cold and humiliating touch of the eggs running down through her hair and back. It wasn't the cries of baby chickens that tormented her dreams, but Jesse's cold eyes as he broke that egg, and their relationship, forever. She never realized how cruel people could be in the world until that moment, and she wouldn't of known what would of happened if Finn hadn't come to her rescue.

Finn. Rachel couldn't stop the warm feeling that generated through her every time she thought of her boyfriend. He was hers and she would do every-

A loud honking broke her thoughts of Finn and she looked up to see a black Sudan coming full speed towards her. The streets were too narrow for the vehicle to swerve around her, both sides packed with vehicles from the residents of the neighborhood, and her mind froze as the lights flashed bright in her eyes, blinding her to her surroundings. Though her mind may have shut down, her body went into action as she hurled herself out of the street. Her lunging skills with dance paid off as the Sudan went on its way; the driver flipping her off before vanishing around a corner.

"That was close," Rachel muttered to herself then scolded herself. "Rachel Barbra Berry, get a hold of yourself! You are almost eighteen and yet you still don't have the ability to know not to stand in the street! Get your head out of the past and focus yourself to your goal." She smiled. "Broadway...and Finn Hudson."

With the adrenaline of the near accident and thoughts of Finn, she decided that she should work off some of the energy by going the long way and through the park. It was still early, especially for sleepy Lima, and no one was in the park. The trees were sparkling with a light layer of frost, and Rachel couldn't help herself; she had to walk through them, they were so beautiful and the way they sparkled like stars attracted her attention.

Stopping among the tall trees and glancing up at the many layers of needles and leaves all glistening, she smiled. This is how her world felt ever since she and Finn got back together; a perfect forest of beauty and dreams that she loved to walk in. It was so strong and old, two things that she wanted their new relationship to be.

Then it happened.

Lost in her musings of her perfect world, she never heard the soft treads of the person walking up to her. It was already too late as she felt someone strike the back of her head and her body crumpled to the ground, a roll of nausea and pain rippling through her small frame. Her face hit the cold ground, the scent of the forest and the taste of dirt overwhelming as she felt the person kneel down beside her.

"Oh, Rachel." A familiar voice whispered into her ear, and a new feeling of dread and confusion replaced her warm bubble. It couldn't be...not him...not this! "I missed you so much, and I wanted to do this for so long."

She stiffened as she felt a cold hand place itself on her thigh and slowly creep its way up her leg. The realization that this was going to truly happened hit her like the Sudan should have and she fought, trying to reach at him with her nails and teeth. But he was too strong and his whole body was upon her, forcing her body deeper into the cold ground.

"Please," She begged, tears erupting into her eyes as she tried to make him stop. "Don't-"

A hand came across her mouth, stifling her attempts for him to stop and any chance of her screaming for help. As she felt him...groping and pushing...all she could do was shut her eyes.

And watch as her beautiful forest started to burn before her.

**Poor Rachel! Hope you review, alert, favorite, and, I really wish, enjoyed! Until next chapter, bye!**

**P.S. Finn's feelings for Santana were written before he said that he had a connection with her...stinking show just had to ruin that! Oh well, it was a very sweet episode though!  
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	2. An Actor's Mask

**Hello! Me, again! Anyway, when I first started writing this story I planned it to be only like 5-6 chapters, but a new idea has hit me today so I really have no idea on how long we are going to be here, but a lot more than 6! Thank you for my reviewers, you're all too sweet! I hope you read, review, and, most importantly, enjoy!**** And I'll shut up...now!**

2) An Actor's Mask

The world was bleak and gray, everything was covered in a layer of ash. Her body was numb and burning at the same time, cold with the thoughts of what had just happened to her and unbearable pain rushed from her stomach and between her legs. Dirt clung to her skirt and jacket, something very un-Rachel; but she didn't care, neither having the energy or the mindset to remove it. It was like someone had put her into a world of grey slime, allowing her to be able to move but slowly and time seemed to move at the pace of a snail. It was surreal, yet Rachel knew all-too-well that it was all happening.

Rachel had been raped...and she knew whom her rapist was. The horror made her knees shake and arms tremble, barely able to put one foot in front of the other as she kept walking. She didn't know where she was or where she was traveling, but her feet carried her to the door of her house. It appeared so innocent and loving, welcoming her with the same warmth and care that she always found there. Eagerly wishing for everything to return to normal, she grasped the handle and turned her hand.

It was locked.

Rachel, who knew that the door being locked should of been a sound and perfectly reasonable thing, fell to her knees and wept. Her home was her shelter, her place of refuge and safety...and now she was bared from it. The rapist had turned the lock, forcing her into the cold and cruel world. All the beauty that it used to hold was marred with gray and red, his face smiling cruelly out of the darkness at her.

A face that she used to believe she loved.

Struggling back to her feet, Rachel pulled out her house key from her pocket and unlocked the door, but the feeling of being cut off from her old home didn't fade away; it increased drastically as she stepped into the house. Memories upon memories were here, most of them good, some sad, others were looked at with guilt and remorse. It was what made a house a home, but when Rachel stepped into the house she lived in for the past seventeen years, all she could feel or see it as was a house.

A home was a place where someone was supposed to feel at place and a sense of belonging; Rachel felt like she had entered a stranger's house. It was too rich with color and happiness to ever be her home now, a sharp contrast to her darkening world that she was in. Her home for her seventeen years was gone, ripped away by him, and she was left with a bleak house that she felt awkward and dirty in.

Rachel heard a noise on the main floor, realizing that one of her dads must be awakening. She panicked, they couldn't be able to see her like this. They _couldn't_ know what happened. With the speed and agility of a dancer, she bounced up the stairs as fast as her short legs could manage and into the bathroom next to her room. It was there that she was forced to stop, her gaze caught in the eyes of the girl in the mirror.

It was no longer the same Rachel Berry. The one she knew before was beautiful, her eyes bright with dreams and hopes. Her face was cleared of all disbelief and her smile was one of genuine happiness. All Rachel now saw was a vile girl. Her hair was caked with dirt and grass, face smeared with a layer of dust, and her clothes were torn and dirtied in places. The girl's eyes were hallow with horror and disbelief, unable to comprehend the true evils of the world that were suddenly thrown in front of her. Anything that was once considered a smile was gone, and replaced by a line of cold nonchalance.

Rachel turned away from the mirror, unable to keep the tears from ebbing out of her eyes. She didn't want to see that new Rachel, she wanted - had to have - the old Rachel back. The one she had seen had no dreams, no hopes, no wish for life. She hated the feeling! She wanted to be a star, one who would appear bright in other eyes and they would want to be like her. But her star-hood was clouded by a face, leering and cold as it looked down at her. His face, the rapist's, was a constant reminder of what she had been...and what she was now: the girl in the mirror.

The young star shuddered again, feeling dirty and ugly; the only thing she wanted to do was take a shower to try and rid herself of the dirt, the mud, and the oppressive feeling of being grimy. With mechanical gestures she got out of her clothes and entered the sparkling clean shower, feeling out of place as she turned the water on.

She pushed the knob to the farthest left, eager to feel the cleansing burn that sprayed down onto her from above. The hot water dulled the cold on her body...but inside she still felt the same dirtiness. With a cry she grabbed a sponge and lathered it with soap, scrubbing at her pale skin with a furious intensity. She cleaned until her skin was a bright red and smarting slightly, from both the hot water and the sponge.

Rachel scrubbed, scrubbed, and _scrubbed_.

The dirt wouldn't go away, the feeling of being ugly and unclean was still there. Tears welled up in her eyes and she started to whine with desperation, unable to accept the fact that she wasn't only dirty. She was _stained_, stained for life. She threw the sponge at the shower's wall and slipped to the floor, wrapped her arms around her knees, and cried, the water from the shower hiding the water that came from her eyes.

Rachel tried to rid herself of the memories of earlier that day, but it was the only things she could seem to think about. The park, the rapist, the Sudan, the rapist, leaving Finn's house...

Rachel's mind went blank as a new horror descended down upon her.

Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, no, no, _NO_!

What would Finn think of her now?

His smiling and handsome face appeared before her, beautiful cinnamon eyes glowing with the love she had always seen him look at her with since they had gotten back together at Nationals. His open and benign face that she loved so much, especially when he wore his infamous, crooked smile. He was perfect to her, even if he didn't have the same persistence or drive like she did - like she used to before _it_ happened.

Suddenly, a dark face materialized behind her mental picture of Finn, looming over the quarterback's broad shoulder; a cruel and wicked smile upon the rapist's face, a smile that she had seen before so many times in her nightmares and whenever she glanced at an egg. His face marred the picture of Finn, ruining the small flicker of hope that she had been feeling. The rapist taunted her, whispering things that she didn't want to hear.

_What will he, your loving and caring boyfriend, think of you when he finds out you aren't as pure as he thought you were? Didn't he say to Kurt once that he liked girls who were wholesome? You are nothing now, Rach. Nothing. He wants someone who isn't broken, someone pure, someone unlike you now. Finn will be disgusted at what you are, what you have become, what-_

"Stop! Shut up! Shut up!" Rachel begged the voice that sounded hauntingly familiar, a voice that she had once hoped would tell her that he would want to be hers. Her voice was barely a whisper, but it sounded unnervingly loud in the small shower. "Please, stop."

Only the thundering of the shower raining down upon her answered her plea.

Standing up on shaky limbs, Rachel grasped the towel bar for support and turned off the shower. The instant the burning water was gone, a cold breeze drifted around her. She was tempted to turn the water on again and fall into its warm bliss, but she regained a small thread of her old self and stumbled out of the shower. Unconsciously she grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her small frame, the whole while making sure to avoid meeting the gaze the girl in the mirror.

Rachel didn't need to look to know that the ugly girl was still there, staring right back into her brown eyes.

She stiffened as she heard one of her dads walk by with a slight hum as he walked, the tone sounding like Leroy. He sounded so happy, ready and renewed for a new day; while his daughter was sitting on the toilet, eyes vacant of all emotion except hopelessness and trembling slightly as she waited for him to pass. The fear of him simply stopping and asking her how she was froze her to the core and a feeling of nausea rose up, begging for him to go by without a word. She didn't want to speak with anyone yet, knowing that both of her dads would easily see that something was wrong, and she certainly couldn't face Finn yet.

_Finn..._

Rachel felt tears rise up in her eyes again, but a new thought came to her as did the rapist's words when he was..._finished_ with her. "Tell anyone about this and I'll make sure that no one will ever hire you on Broadway or anything more than community theatre. Do you understand? And blab to anyone about this? I'll make sure that the whole world knows about you and that you begged for it - _wanted it_."

It was then that Rachel decided what she was going to do, her mind numb and body shaken as his words rang through her head. She was going to make this the ultimate test, a goal. She was going to act her feelings away, hide them all behind the mask of the old Rachel Berry. No one would ever have to know that that Rachel Berry had died in the forest and a new Berry had been planted. A feeling of placidity came with the realization but the cold was still there, it would always be there.

Rachel stood up, wiped her tears away, and faced the mirror. The new Rachel looked back at her with dull eyes, wallowing in her despair and horror. Her hair was limp with water and it hung over her face in thick tendrils, highlighting the bags that fell under her eyes. The girl belonged on the set of a horror-slash-drama show, not in her bathroom.

Rachel took a breath, and closed her eyes. She pictured the old Rachel, the one with the bright smile and eyes, the girl who still held dreams and ambition, the one who loved Finn with all her heart and wasn't tainted by another. She brought that girl back and put it around her like a costume, a bright mask to cover the other girl's face.

Opening her eyes, she came face to face with the Rachel Berry that she knew so well. The same manner, the same superior expression of knowing whom she was; they were all back. She smiled and the mask smiled, but she still felt the same feelings of the new Rachel, all covered by the mask.

And that was just the way it was going to have to be, Rachel told herself mentally and lost herself in her normal regimen of cleaning her face, brushing her teeth, and taking a run on the elliptical. She tried anyway, but her legs cramped and her groin ached when she got onto the machine so, holding tight of the mask, she went downstairs to greet her dads a good morning, trying to prove to herself that she could do this.

The moments she ever meet their loving gazes, Rachel would always feel a shiver of fear run down her spine. They had to see what she felt inside, almost begged them to see the pain, desperation, and horror she covered behind a fragile mask, but then the words of the rapist drifted along. Their hissing warning was enough for her to maintain the facade, but it was horrible knowing that she was hiding from her own parents.

But they couldn't know, they never could.

Rachel hadn't been able to be in their presence for long, the pressure of making up lies and things to say that didn't involve crying and screaming was too overwhelming and she excused herself. She told them that she had to work on her NYADA application and wouldn't like to be disturbed for the rest of the day. They accepted it with smiles, offering their aid if she ever needed it, and promised that they wouldn't be a problem to her as they were going out for the night. It almost broke Rachel right there, seeing the trust they had in her; a trust that she no longer deserved, she was ruined and dirty. No one would want a daughter like that, she thought as she walked up the stairs and into her room.

She paused at the doorway into her room, and only saw the small abode of a girl she could only remember with angry tears. It was so bright and neat, everything in its best condition and placed perfectly in their rightful spots. A planner, opened to that day's date the day before in preparation for the new day, showed all that that girl had to do, but Rachel ignored it and shut the small book with a gesture of her hand. None of that mattered to her now. She had to get back into the role of the old Rachel Berry, but she realized that she would have to take it slow. Her talk with her parents for that brief moment was too much, too fast, and she knew that it could of been the end of everything.

Breathing in, she revolved her eyes around the room again until they found her laptop that was bright pink and shining. She had only said she was going to work on her application as an excuse to get away from her dads, but maybe it wouldn't have to be a lie. She could work on her NYADA application; she had all her resume information, essays, contacts, and other requirements, in her desk, ready to be made into an awe-inspiring application. It would be a first step in reclaiming a sense of the old Rachel, a movement she would just have to make.

As she was about to take a step forward, she heard the door downstairs shut and the windows in her room rattled slightly as she was right above the front door. It was in this movement that she suddenly saw a sharp gleam of gold, and she couldn't help herself. She quickly walked over to the corner of her room where she placed a couple of her trophies for winning various competitions throughout the years on a small pedestal. With a rush of images, she remembered when her dads built the small, wooden pedestal, more like a crude platform, and installed it into her room; she had been so happy and proud when she placed the first trophy on it. It had been a symbol, a goal to be the best she could be and achieve her ultimate dream: to be a star.

Rachel reached out and grabbed the trophy that had glimmered gold, and pulled it in close to examine it. The base of the trophy read: _**Rachel B. Berry, First Place**_, while a golden star was placed upright above it. This was where she got her fixation for her golden stars. They were always so bright and sparkling, proud of whom they were and what they had accomplished. Everyone wanted to reach for the stars, to hold them tight and keep their inspiring glow with them always.

A surge of pain and fury rippled through Rachel and the mask that she had kept up fell. Her star was tarnished and ruined; a new metaphor for something that she would never have. With a cry of rage, she flung the trophy at her wall where it smashed and pieces fell around her, some of the shrapnel cutting her left cheek. That pain was nothing to what she was feeling inside, and she crawled into her bed with a fresh tide of hopeless tears.

She sobbed for Rachel Berry, she wept for others who had to go through the same thing, cried for her lost future that she may never have.

Though she cried most of all for the girl in the mirror, the girl that she had become.

**Next chapter is going to be a doozie! Hope you enjoyed! Review, please!**


	3. Cold Realization

**Another chapter! Okay, I said that this chapter was going to be a "doozy" last chapter...well, err...about that. I planned this part to be a tad shorter but I got a little cared away with it all; pretty much meaning that I had to split the "doozy" into two chapters. Sorry! But this time, I promise - PROMISE - that next chapter will be amazing. I wanted to thank everyone for the nice reviews and reading! Anyway, I hope you read this, review, and, most importantly, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Glee/Fox/Ryan Murphy/So many other things...  
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3) Cold Realization

"Crap, crap," Finn muttered to himself, unconsciously setting up a beat on the faded, steering wheel of his truck. He was peering out the window on the driver's side, examining the Berry residence as he drove slowly on by. He usually never came this way in the mornings on his way to school but he wanted to check out Rachel's house to see if she was sick or something. But the garage door was open and one of her dads was walking through it to get to his car, and the garage was vacant of any gold Chevy. Finn frowned, thinking quickly as he sped up and headed to McKinley High.

Rachel hadn't called through the whole weekend, ignoring each of his texts and voice mails that he sent every hour. If this was any other weekend besides the one they had just had, Finn wouldn't be freaking out and have a feeling like he ate too many hot dogs; but this wasn't any weekend for the couple. They had slept together, for the first time, and Rachel lost her virginity, something that she had always considered sacred to her.

Finn cursed again. She would only be ignoring him for a whole weekend and his messages if she was in one of her diva fits or distressed and sick about something. He banged his hand against the wheel, ignoring the sharp jab of pain and protest, and couldn't believe his own stupidity. He should of known that Rachel only allowed him to take that extra step because he was depressed about his life, and that she did it out of sympathy. For _him_! Not for her like it was always supposed to be; this wasn't her decision, it was his.

"How the fuck do I always seem to mess these things up?" Finn growled to himself, pulling into the student parking lot and glancing around for Rachel's small Chevy. "I broke us up in sophomore year because I wasn't ready, or so I thought. Then, I ended it when we were juniors because of something so minin- minan- whatever! Something so small as a kiss, which I should of known that it meant nothing!"

He found Rachel's car surprisingly in the back of the parking lot where usually only druggies and those arriving late parked, but Finn just pushed that question to the side; Rachel was always doing something unexpected and strange, probably following a new walking therapy or something that would help her as a Broadway star, he thought to himself. Parking his truck next to her vehicle, he jumped out and hurried over to the car. Peeking through the window, his eyes landed upon a star necklace that hung from the driver's mirror. He gave a sigh of relief and slumped against the side of his battered truck, feeling the pressure inside him lessen slightly. Rachel, growing tired of always switching between the star and "Finn" necklace, eventually decided to put the star necklace in her car and keep the one bearing his name around her neck.

So, Finn reasoned to himself as he trudged up to the school with his backpack thrown carelessly over one of his shoulders, that means we're still together at least. Does that mean it all could just be about how Rachel was reacting to having her V Card swiped? He could understand that; when he lost his virginity he had felt empty inside because he realized that he never should of done it with Santana Lopez. It mean nothing to the other and there was no sparks or explosions. It was purely sex.

With Rachel, for him, it had been so much more. He knew that she loved him, cared for him, and was reciprocating every feeling she felt for him back as he was for her. It was sensual, leaving his body tingling pleasantly from the experience, and he knew at that moment, he could never be with anyone as happily as he could be with Rachel.

A sudden thought struck Finn which made him pause in fear. What if Rachel didn't feel the same way he did afterwords? What if she was disappointed...what if she felt empty and that it meant nothing? And that she was only ignoring him because she didn't want to hurt this feelings or manliness. He mentally pushed that idea down, burying it far away as he began walking again towards History.

No, he knew that Rachel had felt something between them; he read that spark in her eye easily. It had always been easy to read her, and in that moment, Finn had gotten a full page view: Rachel loved him. So, he continued in his thoughts, that couldn't mean she didn't feel anything - right?

_Right?_

The school day by went by so slowly that Finn was actually contemplating asking the teachers if they had malfunctioned or something. There was nothing more that he wanted, but also feared slightly, than to speak with Rachel; it bugged him that he wasn't smart enough to be in any of her advanced placement classes, and that they never had any of the same periods together. The only thing they actually shared was lunch and Glee.

Finn's long legs flew by everyone as he hurried out of his Pre-Calculus, which he seriously wondered why he would even need. Who cares about sine, cosine, and what seemed like five hundred other terms all to do deal with a stupid circle? Today, it was even more of a nuisance as it was now fifty minutes of the usual suffering _and _fretting about Rachel. Life just couldn't be that easy.

When the smell of burnt cheese, perfume, Axe, and the harsh smell of whatever they put on the floors to clean it, rushed over him as he entered the cafeteria, Finn's eyes were on a search for a small brunette wearing any kind of animal sweater. He passed over the football jocks, who waved and hollered at him to join them, the Cheerios, tempting him with their short skirts and revealing uniforms, the hockey team, glaring and giving him the one-finger salute, and then he found them: the glee kids.

Finn felt a smile come across his face as he saw Rachel sitting at the table, examining her closely as he made his way through throngs of students to get to her. A smile was upon her lovely face, white teeth flashing as she listened to, what looked like, a heated conversation between Puck and Blaine. Her sweater was a bright green color with what Finn assumed to be a cat plastered to the front. His feeling of nerves was slowly ebbing away as he came to the conclusion that Rachel may not be mad at all; knowing too-well that she wouldn't be this calm if she was pissed.

With renewed will, Finn walked up to Rachel and placed a hand on her shoulder, "Rachel?"

xXx

The moment she entered the school, Rachel realized that she couldn't do it. She felt her mask crumble at the first glance of a student whose eyes just flicked over her once then moved away, uninterested. She had been ready for the kid to stop and point, exclaiming that she didn't belong in this world anymore; an ugly and dirty girl robbed of very thing that she held dear. It was just so dang hard to keep her head up high and proud when all she wanted to do was find a dark corner and cry.

But she was Rachel Berry, she told herself sternly and mentally placed the mask on again, and Rachel Berry did not give up easily.

Her first two periods were okay as she didn't have any close friends in any of them, and could loose herself in taking notes and listening to the dull teachers. This came easily as she could let her mind shutdown, even her thoughts, and let her body write everything down that she heard. She was so focused on her writings that she was even writing down the noneducational discussions between the teacher and the other students, barely noticing it when the bell rang.

Third period, though, was horrible as it was Advanced Placement Biology and she shared the class with Mile Chang, fellow Glee member. They weren't exactly close friends but they shared a few words, at the least, everyday. The prospect of having to seem like the old Rachel Berry made her knees shake and could taste bile in her mouth, but she forced herself to be calm and prepared a few phrases that sounded like what she would have said days earlier.

Now, she only wanted to scream all the time.

Barely noticing the pungent smell of formaldehyde as she entered Biology, her eyes instantly meet Mike's friendly gaze. He smiled at her slightly and nodded before turning to talk to the boy next to him. Rachel let out a small sigh and went to take her seat, away from Mike and the truth. She knew that it was inevitable; she would eventually have to speak with someone, but for the moment she was just content with the fact that it wasn't that exact moment she had to speak. Ignoring the lesson of cell multiplication and various functions of it in a cat, she prepared herself with a smile and a couple of new phrases that sounded more Berry.

As the bell rang, she felt a spurt of confidence and walked up to Mike, "Hi, Mike."

"Hey, Berry," He said, placing his notebook and folders into his bag gently. "How are you?"

Awesome, I had sex with my loving boyfriend and got raped in the same weekend, a cruel voice spoke in her head but she ignored it. "Great! Shall I see you later in Glee? I heard that you and your dad haven't been on the best of terms lately, I hope everything is okay..."

"Thanks, it is going fine." Mike shrugged, looking slightly less happy then he did a few seconds ago. "I got to go, have to meet Tina in the parking lot. I'll see you later." He clapped her friendlily on the shoulder and left the Biology room, leaving her to stand there alone and think.

Rachel had to admit that it hadn't been as bad as she thought it could have been, and for once felt that maybe she could actually pull this all off. And, telling herself eagerly as she walked out of the classroom and to the lunch room, hopefully, she could eventually return the old Rachel Berry to life.

But for now she just had to deal with the girl in the mirror.

She rarely ever ate in the cafeteria on a normal basis, so she sat down next to the other glee members without getting a tray. They nodded and said hello before returning to listen to an argument between Noah and Blaine about wardrobe for sectionals.

"No, hell no!" Noah exclaimed, the muscles in his arms rippling as he pointed a fry at Blaine like a knife. "That is not going to happen, short-pants dude."

The handsome boy frowned and shook his head, ignoring the calming hand that his boyfriend had slipped over onto his shoulder. "I don't see why you're making such a fuss over it, many respectable people wear them."

"Respectable people who never get laid," Noah pointed out, making another jab with his weapon. "We. Are. Not. Wearing. Bow. Ties. Get that through your Dalton head and we may have something there!" He bit into the fry, the two boys glaring daggers between each other.

Rachel would have laughed, if she hadn't felt that it was all so freaking stupid. Four days ago this would have been very critical to her...but now it was all too minuscule and unimportant. She had been dealt fate's cruel hand, leaving her crumpled on the ground and with a new sight for everything. All she wanted to do was stand up again and continue on, but the rapist's hand was always upon her, holding her down. So, she kept an amiable smile on her face and pretended that she paying c;pse attention to the conversation that was still going on as Noah suggested what they should wear...or what they shouldn't to be more exact.

A hand suddenly fell upon her shoulder and her body floored into flight, preparing to scream and run away. Then she heard his voice. A voice that she had been unconsciously ignoring all day as she feared their interaction; she wasn't sure if she was ready to face it then...or ever. But with a firm grasp on her mask, she turned around with a wide smile on her face and squealed, "Finn!"

Her boyfriend looked surprised at her sudden reaction, and smiled slightly as he sat down next to her. Finn's eyes meet hers and she hoped, to anything or anyone that would be listening, that only love and care were shining in hers. "Are you okay?" He asked instantly as he reached over to her and brushed a strand of hair behind her hair, his fingertips brushing against her skin as he did the caring gesture.

Rachel almost freaked, her mind unable to accept the love that she felt in such a simple touch. The girl she was now didn't deserve to be touched in such a way by Finn - sweet, lovable Finn. He deserved someone so much better than that girl in the mirror - he deserved the old Rachel Berry. Rachel kept the mask up and just smiled even brighter, hoping that the fake happiness in it would reach her eyes. "Of course, I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be okay, Finn?" She leaned over, changing her smile into a wicked smirk. "This weekend, Friday night, was perfect." She kissed his cheek, the warmth of his skin melting the ice slightly that she felt in her soul. She suddenly had the need to grab him and hold him close, letting his warmth envelope her in a cocoon of bliss and his love, but she pushed the feeling aside.

Finn's eyes glowed for a moment, then flickered as he must of had a new thought. "Then why did you ignore all my messages that I sent you, I sent like twenty of them...per hour."

Rachel cringed inwardly, feeling a flash of guilt as his words hit her hard. She had known that he called, but she couldn't pick up the phone or text back; fearing that he would detect some kind of problem within her voice or words and would want to come rushing over to her rescue. She couldn't of had let that happen, to see _her_, so she thought of a reasonable excuse quickly. "I'm sorry, Finny. I lost my cell phone and I couldn't find it until this morning, it had slipped under the seat of my car when I went out Saturday morning."

"Oh...where did you go? I thought you had to work on your NYADA application?" asked Finn curiously. "Isn't it like due next week?"

Rachel's mind blanked, her body freezing as the cold she felt inside her soul spread across her limbs and chest. She hated lying to Finn, but she couldn't tell him the truth, and _never_ would if it was her decision, so she just said simply with a roll of her slim shoulders, "I needed to clear my head so I went over to that small music shop, Samantha's Symbols on Main Street, and looked through some sheet music for sectionals."

"Cool," Finn smiled. The way he was accepting her lies so easily broke her heart and made her hate what she had become, but it was better than what would happen if he ever found out. He started to scoot closer to her, but suddenly froze as he looked down at her lap.

"Rach?" His tone was disbelieving, and she glanced between him and her lap. Nothing was wrong there, but his face was torn into confusion.

"W-What's wrong?"

"Rach...you're wearing _pants_!"

"So?" Rachel asked, not understanding why he should of had such a reaction to her wearing pants. She didn't even notice, and was suddenly staring at her own clothes questioningly. _Why did she wear pants?_

_Because the girl in the mirror wore them to hide the scars_, the voice cackled again inside her head.

"You never - _never_ - wear pants," Finn explained confused, moving his cinnamon eyes away from her legs to her face. She averted her gaze as she pretended to roll her eyes in exaggeration.

"It's becoming November soon, Finn." Rachel told him, switching into the voice that she usually used whenever she had to explain to him a difficult word or theory. "And I really didn't want to be shivering in the cold. Skirts are cute and adorable, but they are just no proper garments for this time of the year."

"Never stopped you before," muttered Finn, and Rachel felt another ping in her heart. His confusion was hurting her as it was because of something that she had caused. She really didn't deserve him, she realized as she couldn't meet his gaze. "I think the only time I seen you wear something besides a skirt was when you were acting or for an assignment for Glee...or the time when you were obsessing over Jesse breaking your heart during sophomore year."

Rachel jumped to her feet suddenly, heart racing as his words crashed down upon her. He didn't realize how close she was losing it all that moment, how close he was to coming to the truth. She felt a flare of emotions: sadness, pain, guilt, anger. She grabbed hold of the anger and gave him a glare, "They are just damn pants, Finn!"

Rachel, and by the look on his face, Finn also, couldn't believe that she cursed. She never cursed, thinking of it as an abhor mean of communicating and that people only used them because they lacked the proper vocabulary to use different and more appropriate words.

Though, in that moment, she truly didn't fucking care. It was Rachel Berry who never swore, not her.

The girl in the mirror.

"I'm sorry if I just wanted to try something new without telling you! I didn't realize that we had to tell each other every little thing now," Rachel said, unable to let go of the anger that she was feeling. For a moment, the cold inside her disappeared and the warmth of her rage filled her up. "And what is with bringing Jesse up? Do you still feel jealousy? You shouldn't, because he is over and will forever be over. I love _you_, Finn. And I am sorry if you can't just freaking accept it. Jesse may have broken my heart...but you fixed it, and I'll always love you for that. I'll see you in the choir room after school for glee club."

Turning away, she stormed off in a perfect Rachel Berry diva fit. She kept walking, through the hallways and to the farthest bathroom that barely any kids used because of its broken faucets. Her words rang through her head, and all she could do was beg that she could go back and prevent herself from saying them. She had barely shut the bathroom door before bursting into tears and feeling ripple after ripple of cold hit her as Finn's hurt face haunted her.

"I'm so sorry, Finn," She cried as she buried her head into her hands, sobs shaking her small frame. "I'm sorry!"

_Jesse may have broken my heart..._

She glanced up from the safety of her hands to look into the cracked mirror; her eyes meeting the eyes of the girl in the mirror. Thoughts upon thoughts crashed down upon her, the cold truth hitting her in the face like no slushy ever could.

_Jesse had remade me...he had created the girl in the mirror, the new me_.

**Another chapter finished! I know, it wasn't that great, but next chapter defiantly will be! I'm even excited for it! Until next time, bye!  
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	4. The Breaking of the Mask

**Doozie chapter! Anyway, I watched the most previous episode of Glee (the season 3 Christmas special) and I waited until they showed what is coming up, as I always do. And I literally cried. (Don't read further if you don't want to know but it isn't really spoiling anything as it is a _preview_, but whatever). Finn is considering the military! I know it is a mature and proud job to do, but I love Finn's innocence and childish charm. It makes me sad (which is really pathetic as he isn't even real but I am a very emotional person) so what do I have do about it? I have to write a story, of course! So, I'm going to be writing a short story on his decision to do that, which I hope you read! I'm not stopping with this story as I have so many ideas for it, but I just wanted to tell you. I'll post the first chapter with my next chapter of this story! Thank you! Enough of me, though, and more with the story! Hope you read, review, and, hopefully, enjoy!**

4) The Breaking of the Mask

Finn sat stunned, his long legs splayed across either side of the lunch table's bench, as he watched the small, retreating form of his girlfriend walk away. Her hair swished back and forth, the stomp of her petite feet heard even in the loud uproar that is a high-school cafeteria, and people seemed to melt out of her way when she went by as they glanced into her angry face and determined gaze. The tall boy couldn't believe, couldn't understand, what had just happened. He had only asked a simple question - it had to be simple: it was about pants!

He cursed to himself, not moving or looking away until Rachel disappeared behind a door. He had screwed up, _again_, and he had no clue what he had done, _again_. Maybe it hadn't been the smartest thing to question her wearing pants, but for some reason it had really surprised him. Whenever he thought of Rachel's appearance, he always associated it with a skirt that revealed her nice legs, something that he never fully realized that he appreciated so much. It was like him without his football jacket, it just didn't seem right.

Hearing a loud cough next to him, Finn turned to see the whole table staring at him with amused looks upon their faces. He immediately felt his face redden under their exasperated gazes, unaware until then on how loud Rachel had been and how much attention her diva fit had attracted. Truthfully, he had actually forgotten about them in his concern for Rachel.

It was Puck, a big, dog-like grin upon his face, who asked the question first. "So, what did you do this time? It must of been pretty bad if you made Rachel act like that on a Monday morning, Hudson."

"Shut it, Puck," Finn retorted. He grabbed his backpack and threw it over his shoulder, ignoring all of the glee kid's protests for him to stay and that they were just joking. "I have to go see if I can find, Rach. See you in the choir room." And with that he left, returning the way he had came, and back into the empty corridors of WMHS.

Finn always thought he had a pretty awesome view on Rachel as they spent so much time over the past two years together. True, he had momentarily forgotten that she was a Vegan a week ago when he had invited her over to his house, but it was only a small fact, _really_ small. When it came to big issues, he had everything down to a beat; especially on where Rachel would go if she ever needed to calm down and think things through.

Readjusting his backpack, Finn headed to the auditorium. Then to the choir room. To each of the music departments. To the gym (Rachel had once said they had great acoustics there for such a unprofessional place). He even stopped at her locker. Each place he went he was meet with the same results: no Rachel.

"What the hell!" Finn exclaimed, letting his anger and annoyance get the better of him as he kicked a locker. A sharp ring went through the air from the contact just as the bell rang, warning the students, and teachers, to get their asses to class. The sound of people's voices, laughter, stomping feet, and the clang of lockers being opened and closed enveloped Finn, but it couldn't hide the thought that had sprang into his head.

_What has Rachel so mad that she can't even sing about it?_

xXx

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Rachel glared at the cloak, urging it to move forward quicker. It was going stupidly slow, she thought, as she stared determinedly at it. A Monday, or any day to be truthful, never seemed to be going as slow as her afternoon classes were proceeding. It had been hopeless to even try and shut her mind down, to let time be shifted into fast-forward. Every single time she attempted to lose herself in her note-taking and forget about her life, Finn's face showed up. It was so caring and she knew that her retort against him probably broke his heart; something that she still hated herself for doing.

But she was scared. Scared that he would find the truth, terrified at how he would react when he found out about the ugly truth that ruined her life. He would never see her as Rachel Berry, the girl that he had fallen in love with.

Finn would only see the girl in the mirror, the monster that had shattered their once happy life together.

The thought almost made her sob, but her years of training as an actress subconsciously kicked-in and it was hidden away be a petite cough. No - the small action had brought her thoughts under control again - he will never see her. It was the reason for the mask, and it had been working all day except for a few slips that she knew she wouldn't make again, forcing herself to learn from the mistakes. She may not of been a star anymore, but, to hell, if she couldn't act like one. With that, she forced Finn out of her head and struggled to take notes down about the stock market and its many changes over the past years from the Economics' teacher.

As the final bell rang, signaling the end of the school day and the start of after-school activities, Rachel slowly made her way to the choir room. She knew that she would be forced to give some sort of explanation to Finn, but she had no idea what to say to him. Maybe she could say that she was on her period? Boys always got freaked out when they heard that word, or tampons, so maybe he would just mutely accept it and it would all be shoved underneath the rug. Rachel smiled wanly, Finn was never one to go into great depths so he most likely would accept that lie.

Rachel sighed exasperatedly, another lie to the boy that she never thought she would ever lie to. There was a time when she wouldn't even be able to think about lying to Finn, especially when it was a direct lie and not some pathetic, white lie. That was the old Rachel, the one who didn't have to wear a mask and pretend that she was someone else. The girl who could look in the mirror without cringing. The pretty one who could wear skirts.

The girl that Rachel wished she could be again.

The choir room was full as Rachel entered, the familiar sight of the beautiful piano, bleachers, the tiny chairs, and all the glee kids sending a pang through her chest. The instant that she had entered, everyone had gone quiet and watched her as she made her way over to a chair next to Finn. The boy was looking at her with a mixture of apprehension and worry, smiling at her with a hopeful grin. It made her feel so cold as she realized that she would have to lie to him, to add another to the ever-growing pile.

"Hey, Finn." She said, her voice cool but not exactly hateful. A tone that she had wanted to achieve, and couldn't help the small glow of pride she felt whenever she managed to perform something perfectly.

"Hi." He said awkwardly, bringing another rush of cold around her. She never wanted him to be awkward around her, they were supposed to be perfect for each other. "Are you going to yell at me again, because, if you are, can it wait until after Glee?"

"I'm sorry," She said immediately, ignoring the rest of the kids as she stared into his cinnamon eyes. There was nothing more that she wanted to do than to turn away, to let that feeling of despair and disappointment she felt in herself fade away; but she forced herself to keep her brown eyes on his and lie. "I didn't mean to yell at you, or freak out. It's just...my time." She wiggled her eyebrows to help him understand, and Finn still looked at her curiously.

Somethings just don't change.

"My period," Rachel whispered, and realization dawned on the quarterback's face. "So, it has just been a bad couple of days. Losing my phone, my period, NYADA application, and getting ra-"

Her world shut down. A numbness spread through her body, leaving her cold and shaking. Her head grew dizzy and the choir room and Finn's face flickered before her vision. The realization that she had almost told Finn, and the whole of glee club, that she had been raped made her want to scream and hit herself and tug out her hair. She had almost blown it with an easy slip of the tongue!

Finn hadn't noticed the sudden flip of her mind as she kept her face nonchalant. "Getting what?"

Rachel fumbled for anything to say, but all her mind was in a whirlwind of thoughts and the only word that she could ever think of was the one word that she could never say. _Never_. She opened her mouth, trying to let out a word that started with 'ra' but nothing came out and she knew Finn would suspect something if she didn't say something quickly.

He suddenly scrunched up his face as his eyes narrowed on her face. "Rach?" She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think. "What did you do to the side of your face? There is a nasty cut right here." He touched a spot a little above her ear, the area where she had scratched when she smashed her star trophy against the wall. "It looks like something clawed you."

Her mind clicked around another lie as Finn's words gave her a perfect excuse. "Rats. I mean, a rat. It must of gotten into my house and room for some reason, probably because it's getting cold out, and when I was looking for my phone under my bed...it jumped out at me and nicked the side of my face." She forced a laugh, though it sounded too high and trying to be anything like her genuine laugh. "You should of heard my scream! My dads thought I had been hurt or something, and laughed when they found it was only a rat."

Finn grinned, his worrying demeanor gone in a blink as her words clicked in his head. "A rat? Really, Rach?"

"I know, but it was traumatizing." Rachel protested, shaking her head in mock horror of the fake sight. "It had such beady eyes, and dark hair..."

Jesse's face suddenly appeared in front of her, glimmering with dark humor and smugness.

Luckily, Mr. Schuester came striding into the choir room with a marker in hand. He swept them all with his bright smile, which everyone returned to a point. "Hey, guys! Hope you're having a nice start of the week and are excited for hearing about this week's lesson!" There were a few tired yawns in reply, but Rachel tried to perk up and keep her face optimistic, banishing the dark memories of Jesse to the back of her mind. She was the captain of the glee club and she had to show that she was up to the task - or that was the role that she was now being forced to act.

Mr. Schu, in his large and untidy scrawl, wrote "Inner-self" upon the white board. He tapped the word with the marker, facing the club again as he did. "We have been hit pretty hard these last couple of years. We been dealt with pregnancy,bullying, fights, losses-"

"Don't forget slushies," Kurt muttered from the back, and a few kids grinned. The Spanish teacher rolled his eyes and shrugged, adding Kurt's suggestion to the list.

"The point is that we didn't let everything stop and die, we kept going! We came together as a group and nothing could stop us from being great; we were a muster of individuals that when separate can't do much, but together - we are unstoppable." Mr. Schuester's face was beaming as he continued, trying to get his energy to rub off on the kids. "I want everyone to find their inner-self," - he hit the letters on the board again- "so that they can contribute everything they have to this club. And that we can win Nationals this year. So, I want you to find a song that reflects who you truly are."

Rachel paled inwardly. _Inner-self_? She didn't want to face who she really was. Hell! That was the whole point of the damn mask! To hide the monster that she became, to hide the fucking girl in the mirror that was always staring back! Red, hot fury inflamed her as she glared at the teacher. How dare he think that he could force them - force _her_ - into revealing their true demons! Who was he to make her show the girl inside!

A hand suddenly fell down onto her leg, the same exact place that a hand belonging to another boy fell only two days ago. Rachel couldn't control the mask anymore, shattering it as she jumped to her feet and struck the hand - hard. "Don't touch me!" Her scream reached the highest her throat had ever been able to hit, and even it felt raw after that burst. The whole choir room went silent, and all eyes swerved to look at her again in surprise.

Finn's look was the worst. His eyes were burning with embarrassment and confusion, his hand still suspended over the area where her leg had been. An unasked question was glowing on his face, wondering what he had done wrong. She couldn't think rationally, she could barely keep herself from breaking everything in the whole room - the whole damn school! Her emotions, a raging fire of anger and hate, exploded around her as she screamed. "Do not touch me! And stop giving me that fucking pathetic look! I don't want your pity." She looked wildly around the choir room. "I don't want any of yours!"

Then she stormed off, her eyes brimming with tears as she ran out of the choir room and towards the nearest exit. She needed to escape, she needed to get away from the facts.

That she could barely look at her boyfriend without crying and telling a lie.

She couldn't tell the real reason of her pain.

And that Rachel Barbra Berry was dead.

The last thought hit her hard and she crumpled to the ground on the hallway floor, tearing a hole in the right knee of her pants. She couldn't hide from the truth, and no mask would ever be able to hide whom she truly was. The fact brought another barrage of tears spilling down her cheeks and sick waves of nausea, forcing her head to the cool floor.

"What the shit?" Rachel suddenly looked up and saw one of the hockey players standing before her, one hand holding a slushie while the other was around the slim waist of a blond Cheerio. She recognized him as Jared Huag, but she had no clue on the Cheerio's name. His handsome face turned into a wicked grin as his eyes twinkled with recognition. "Look, it's a glee-loser. What happened? Did you miss the gay parade on TV?"

Blondie snorted, a disgusting sound coming from such a pretty girl. "Isn't she the loser who is dating that Hudson kid?"

"She is!" Huag said, his eyes burning even brighter. "I see why you are crying, I would cry to if if I had to kiss that guy. I heard that he is unwilling in bed." He leaned his head down to Rachel, his voice slow and mocking. "Is that why you are crying? Did you put forth and he denied you? A little slut, you are."

Rachel froze as the cold in her soul, the cold that she had been trying to suppress, suddenly wrapped her whole. She still felt her anger, but it was a cold hate. It was like the light of the moon on a winter's night; bright, but the feeling of sheer cold in the wind and air was still there, disguised in its beautiful light.

The hockey player's words rang in her head.

Slut.

A little slut.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Blondie asked, raising an eyebrow in a superior gesture. She still kept one hand with Huag's as she lifted a toe and pressed it against Rachel's leg. "Better yet, sing something for us. It was what you glee kids always seem to be doing, running around the halls and singing about your feelings and crap. Sing, freak."

Slut.

Freak.

Rachel stood up slowly, her gaze getting caught on a small mirror that hung on the outside of someone's locker. _She_ was staring back, glaring at Rachel with haunted eyes. Then, suddenly, the girl in the mirror's face curved into wicked smile, devious and sinful. A smile that craved to feel the warmth of causing pain, to get vengeance, to even the field. And Rachel suddenly knew what she had to.

She snapped her eyes back onto Jared Huag's, noting the sudden look of uncertainty that appeared in them with a sense of complete satisfaction. She held out a hand and asked sweetly, not noticing the faint hiss that prevailed through her words. "I'm thirsty, may I have a sip?"

Huag handed over the drink warily, her sudden change in demeanor startling and odd. She had been broken and crippled, but now suddenly she was eerily calm and collected, mischievous. She took a drink, letting the cold drink slide down her throat and into the coldness of her body. Then she slashed the cup in front of her, drenching the two popular kids in a wall of grape concentrate.

"Bitch!"

"You can't do this! You are nothing! You are just a glee kid!" The Cheerio screamed, trying to flick the purple drink off of her beautiful uniform but to no success.

"Never call me a freak, or slut, again, or I will make you pay." She said, throwing the empty cup at their feet and turning around, intent on leaving to get to her car.

Finn stood in the way, his face disbelieving as he stared between her and the slushied kids. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times as he did so, unable to form words. When he finally locked onto her face, he asked, "What happened to you, Rach?"

She walked up to Finn and placed a hand upon his cheek, the warmth of his skin and body sending pulses of pleasure through her cold body. She meet his eyes and gave him a small smile, knowing that the smile was a horrible caricature of her old, bright smile. "Rach is dead, Finn. And _she_ is here instead."

Then the girl in the mirror walked around him, and through the doors of the school into a cold and uncaring world; a world that she held ready with her arms open, ready to show them whom she really was now.

**Hope you enjoyed! I always wanted the glee kids to spray one of the popular kids, so I wrote about it instead! Hope you review! Thank you!**


	5. The Girl in the Mirror

**Hiya! Sorry it took me awhile to get this up, I've just been having a very bad week. I was sick (not fun), but that wasn't what made me pause in my writing. I got a PM the other day saying that I should stop writing this as it was making fun of people who were raped, and that I was "lowering" the effects that rape can have on someone. This scared me, I didn't think I was doing that, which lead me to rereading all my chapters. I'm sorry, but I can't see where I am doing any of those two. I'm not making fun of rape. The whole point of this story was to show the horrible side-effects that rape can have, and my way of doing it is through this. So, I'm not stopping here. Though, I want everyone to know - rape is serious and nothing to joke about. I'm sorry that I had to write this, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't say (type?) anything about the PM. **

**Anyway, I hope you all read, review, and, hopefully, enjoy! **

5) The Girl In The Mirror

"Don't touch me!"

Rachel's words hit him hard, piercing deep into his chest as he stared at her. Her hair was wild, cascading all around her face that was alien and unknown to him. Her eyes were spazzing out, darting from one place to another, and unable to focus upon one thing. The contact of her hand against his was nothing to the feeling he felt deep inside of him - he guessed that it could be called his soul. It was painful, making an uncomfortable heaviness on his lungs as his face brightened with shame. He had done something, something that he had no idea he shouldn't of.

Finn looked into her wild gaze and, when he did, they paused for a split moment in their revolving madness. In that second, a question passed between him to her: What is wrong?

Rachel shook with, to Finn's surprise, anger and hate, and he swore he saw a maniacal red-glint appear in her eyes. They delved deep into him, opening Rachel to the truth of how he was feeling. She tossed back her head, her hateful eyes upon him. She hated _him_ at that moment, a thought that struck Finn like a punch, rattling him and making a flood of guilt rush through his body. "Don't touch me! And stop giving me that fucking pity look. I don't want your pity!"

Fucking? Who was this! This couldn't be the same Rachel that he had made love to only a couple of days ago, this couldn't be the same girl that he wanted to love for the rest of his life. He could barely recognize her as she moved her gaze to all those in the choir room, screaming at them too as she flicked between faces. "I don't want any of yours!"

Then she was gone, bolting out of the choir room before any of them could stop her and ask her what the hell she was talking about. Finn had absolutely no idea, which made him feel another rush of guilt. He was her boyfriend so he was supposed to know these sorts of things, he guessed to himself as he kept staring at the door. He hoped that maybe she would come jumping back in, a broad smile upon her face and say that it was all a joke. Just a little tease to relieve him of his anxieties of how he was going to get to college, and that she wanted to see how her acting skills were. She had said that, when it came to her emotions, she couldn't hide them from him as well as others.

But Rachel didn't come back. And Finn had a strange sense that those emotions Rachel were showing weren't just an actor's mask, but something more. They were too strong and powerful for her not to have some feeling or thought behind them.

"What the hell was that about?" Kurt asked, his eyes wide and shaking as he stared at his step-brother. Finn knew that he wasn't trying to feel any concern for his ex-best friend as they were rivals in the student election, but the event had been too...un-Rachel for him to let that get in the way of their friendship. "Did you tell Rachel something you shouldn't have?"

"I didn't say anything!" Finn's voice cracked in his haste to claim his innocence, and his face burned even brighter. "I don't know what I did! I just was going to grab her hand that was on her lap, like I usually do, and she freaked out. It may have brushed against her leg-" A sudden thought made him pause, a cold dread passing over his body. "She said she was on her period, do you think I could of brushed against her and it triggered something?"

"Finn!" Quinn's voice was sharp and reproaching, a tone that hauntingly reminded him of his sophomore year when he was still being manipulated by her. "Do you know _anything_ about a woman's period?"

"Of course-," He was forced into rethinking by the glares of Quinn and Tina. "Err, actually, not really...So, what do you think of that idea?"

"Stupid." Tina muttered.

"Really stupid," added Quinn, flipping her short hair out of her face but still managing to keep a constant glare upon her face. "What you need to do is get off your butt, go find her, and figure out what is bothering that girl. I hate to admit this, but Rachel is hurting and you are probably the only one who can do anything about it. And that wasn't just one of her stupid, little diva fits. So, go!"

Finn didn't take time to think before he was out the door, forgetting his jacket in his haste. A rush of déjà vu hit him as he glanced down both the hallways, trying to figure on which way to go. It seemed like all he had been doing this day was look for Rachel, crawling after her as he sought the answer of where she was - physically and mentally. She would want to go home, especially after such an incident, so he let his long legs carry him to the student parking lot and praying that he would be able to catch her in time.

He had no idea what he was going to say to her, or what she was going to tell him, but he had to find her. Quinn frighteningly was right; there was something seriously wrong with Rachel and it bugged him that he didn't even have the first idea what the hell it could be. And he didn't believe that bullshit about it only being her period, even if he only came to that conclusion because of Quinn and Tina's words. This was something more.

Something far worse.

He had been so intent on finding Rachel in the parking lot, that Finn could barely believe his eyes as they fell upon Rachel. Her back was to him and he was just in time to witness her flinging a drink at Jared Huag and Sandy Foster, drenching them in purple slushy. The sight was so not right, and comical, that he had to blink to make sure he was seeing everything clearly, but it was true. A glee kid had stood up to the popular crowd, forcing them to meet their own "icy" fates, and shoving the entire school's status-quo up their asses.

Pants, hating him, and, now, this?

This was not defiantly not the same Rachel Berry.

Finn heard Rachel mutter something, then turn around and come face to face with him. He was startled at what he was seeing. Gone was the wild eyes and pale face of horror and anger, now she was something entirely else. Her brown eyes were hard as stone, set on what they wanted and in complete control. A determined and smug look was upon her usual caring face, highlighting her cheekbones and the coldness of her eyes.

He suddenly couldn't look at her, as he was bombarded with another realization. He flicked his gaze between Jared and Sandy and his girlfriend, whose expression didn't change as she waited for him to say something. _She was pleased at what she had done_, forcing the bitter truth into how the Glee club, and other unpopular groups, felt on a daily basis. Finn had only done it because it was one of the many requirements that the popular kids just had to do, but he was never proud of what he did. It made him feel horrible and wretched, wanting him to change to be someone better, which Rachel added to until he no longer cared what people really thought about him anymore and dropped the slushy business all together.

The same Rachel who had just given Huag and Foster a purple facial.

Finn couldn't help himself, his thoughts grabbing control of his tongue, and asked,"What happened to you, Rach?"

He, honestly, expected for her to freak out again and run away, leaving him to continue after her. Instead, her eyes narrowed in pleasure as she calmly walked towards him. She raised a hand and set it gently upon his cheek, feeling surprisingly cold as she smiled. It was a horrible smile and looked completely wrong on Rachel's face. Her words made the cold touch of her hands travel through his whole body, leaving him hallow and empty. "Rach is dead, Finn. And she is here instead."

Rachel's words rang in Finn's head, making him agonizingly aware of them but he couldn't take in what they meant. _Rach is dead_. Before he could ask what the hell that meant, his girlfriend turned away from him and out into the cool outside, her arms wide and to the sky as if she was receiving a hug. He didn't know why he didn't go after her, to run to her and hold her close to him. It was obvious that something was freaking wrong, but he didn't do a thing. He just stood there and stared after her diminishing form.

It wasn't her words that affected him the most, or the way her hand had been so cold against him. It was the fact that when she spoke those words, he had believed them. A layer of truth was in them and he recognized that.

He knew that the Rachel he knew was gone, and he had no idea why.

xXx

"She said that?" Kurt asked, putting on a headband or something of the sort to keep his hair back from his face as he pulled out his various products for his nighttime moisturizer routine. Finn was perched on the edge of his step-brother's bed, watching him as he prepared everything with almost-mechanical gestures.

"Rach is dead and she is here instead," Finn repeated, still unable to get that look of his girlfriend out of his mind. "Who "she" is I have no idea. What do you think?"

"I think that either Rachel fell and hit her head really freaking hard on one of her thousands of trophies and completely lost all the sanity that she barely had," said Kurt. "Or that we have a serious issue on her hands and that something is bothering Rachel on the inside."

"Do you really think that first one could be true? She did have a scratch on her face-"

"Finn, I was being facetious." Kurt sighed at his blank expression that he gave him through the mirror. "I was kidding."

"Oh, well, thanks a crap ton," Finn muttered, angry at Kurt's lack of seriousness and standing up to leave. "I just love it when others laugh and joke about problems when I come to them and ask them for help. So. Freaking. Helpful."

"Sit down, Finn," Kurt rolled his eyes. "You know I didn't mean it in that way, I just wanted to settle you down. You're acting like you just drank ten Red Bulls and a Monster, jumping and twitching at every little noise." He suddenly tapped a cream jar down onto his desk and Finn jumped slightly. "See? You'll give yourself pimples if you keep carrying on like that, so calm down."

Finn took a deep breath, trying to calm his thoughts and forcing himself to sit back down onto the bed. Kurt was right. He was worrying about it, a lot, but wasn't that how he was supposed to feel? He really liked Rachel, loved her, and he cared about her so much that he himself was surprised at the intensity of his emotions. There had always been a connection between the two of them, ever since he heard her sing and realized that Glee wasn't just some lame club that losers joined.

Simply, they were perfect for each other.

"I want to be calm, but my mind and body just don't allow it," Finn whined, punching the bed to vent some of his feelings. "All I can think about is Rachel, or her, or whomever!" His head was starting to ache as, once again, he tried to make sense of his girlfriend's cryptic words.

"Then call her or go to her house," Kurt advised immediately, swishing a white cream into his skin that made the room fill-up with the sweet scent of cucumbers. He suddenly stopped and turned to face Finn. "You know that is something you should do, yet you sit here. You're scared, aren't you? You don't want to go see her because you are afraid that she is different, that she will no longer be your Rachel."

Finn was completely blown away. He couldn't understand how Kurt realized how he was feeling, when Finn didn't even know. But the boy, as usual, was correct. He was scared. Rachel herself had said that she was dead (which Kurt told him meant that she wasn't literally _dead_, but just not the same person). If she wasn't Rachel Berry than who the hell was she! Was she still a girl who liked to sing, had an attachment to animal sweaters and skirts, and talked a lot? Was she still a girl who loved him?

He couldn't face that question, barely able to imagine his life without Rachel in it. Tears of panic started to appear in his eyes and he got to his feet again. "I'm tired, I need to get some sleep. Good night, Kurt." In a couple of steps he was out of the room and shutting the door to Kurt's protests of him to stay, allowing himself a breath of air to calm himself a little bit before going downstairs to his bedroom.

When his mom and Burt married, which forced them to move into one house, Finn was allowed the basement. It was a lot bigger than his previous bedroom and barely any noise made down there could be heard in the rest of the house, allowing him to play his drum set and music whenever he wanted and without a care of annoying others. Something he greatly enjoyed at the moment as he needed to lose himself, get away from his thoughts and just try to get in control of his rampaging life.

Hitting the play button on his stereo and stripping himself of his shirt, he threw himself back onto his bed. Music, loud and beat-heavy, filled his room and he gazed at the ceiling. He tried to get caught-up in the words or more accurately - screams, but Rachel's face beamed down on him, her eyes flashing between love and that cold look of stone. Dragging a palm across his face, he cursed and shook his head to clear himself of her face.

It was then that he noticed the lights flickering in his window.

xXx

Rachel speed through the streets of Lima, watching as she went far beyond the speed limit on her speedometer. A maniac grin, filled with pleasure and humor, appeared on her face as she heard brakes squeal in protest and horns beeping at her. She didn't care, she was free. Laws, people, respect; it all didn't matter to her anymore as she breathed in the cold air that whipped against her face from the open window. She was free, no longer having to pretend to be someone that she wasn't. She could be the girl that the people wanted - the freak, the slut.. It felt so right, so easy, to click into her new-self and leave the old Rachel behind.

She shrugged, that Rachel was dead anyway. And she learned at an early age that sometimes a person just had to move on from disappointment, like when she lost her first dancing award and only got second. Laughing hideously at her stupidity of believing that she could stay in the past and be someone she wasn't, she slammed her foot down on the accelerator and roared away from the crap that was her old life.

Forget and make a new life, the words tasted sweet in her mind and she couldn't help a small tremble of anxiety. She was ready, she wanted to be someone new and bright. Nothing like that girl she used to be where the most fun she ever had was listening to music. Looking back at that, she cringed with horror and pretended to gag. No, not anymore. Speeding, feeling the wind ripe through her hair and press against her face, and the constant rush of adrenaline pumping through her body that hadn't stopped since she threw the slushy at those two popular kids; she loved the excitement and the rawness of it all - it was her new life.

Hell if she was going to give all that up to return to her pathetic life before.

With a scream of tires and the sharp smell of burning rubber, she turned into her driveway and clicked the garage opener. Her dads were gone for the week on a business trip in Florida, and she would have the house alone to herself. They trusted her - no, Rachel thought with amusement, they trusted the old Rachel. The one who barely did anything even considered mildly wrong, and would never consider breaking the law. An evil smile came across her face as she pulled into the garage, hitting the button again and letting the garage doors go back down. Left in the semi-darkness of the room, Rachel knew what she was going to do next.

Rachel coughed and spluttered, feeling the bitter drink rush down her throat. It left a burning trail that exploded in her a sense of everything she now desired: excitement, need, lust, _fun_. She barely took a breath before tipping the Sam Adam's bottle back down, savoring the taste of its harsh liquor. Forcing herself to drink it as its liquid turned her insides burning and allowing the cold to ebb away, and leaving her skin prickling and her head cloudy.

It was an amazing feeling. Rachel felt beautiful, no longer cold and hiding behind a dead girl's mask. She wasn't that boring and cool-headed girl anymore, she was fun and wild. She wanted to do something wild, she needed to do something worthwhile. A grin came upon her face as her eyes landed on a picture of Finn that she kept on her bedside table.

She wanted something _sexy_.

Finishing her liquor with a final swig, she tossed it aside and walked to her closet. A plan was forming in her fuzzy, but thoughtful, mind as she entered the walk-in and turned on the light. Rows and rows of sweaters and skirts greeted her, reminding her eerily of that morning which was only last Saturday. Only two mornings ago. It had been two freaking mornings since she had been raped, since Rachel had died. Shaking her head to banish the grim memories, she reminded herself that she was going to move on from that, be reborn anew and fun. She eyed the clothes with distaste, noting that none of them were appropriate for what she wanted.

That only meant one thing: shopping.

Rachel, after swiping her dads' credit card that they kept for her just in case of emergencies (she could always lie and say that her tire blew and she had to get it repaired, and, her being pure and innocent Rachel, didn't know the extra fees that might get charged because of problems that may or may not exist in her car), sped off to the mall. She spent three hours looking through clothes and other merchandise before calling it quits and heading back home.

There she grabbed an extra-large garbage bag and headed into her closet and with uncaring motions, threw all her animal sweaters and bright skirts into the black bag. As they entered the dark void garment by garment, Rachel was slowly feeling the last threads of her old life break-away. Her thoughts roared with excitement and encouragement, but the cold from earlier slowly started to spread again. Grabbing another bottle of beer, Rachel spent a while on organizing her new clothes that she couldn't wait to wear and show off.

"Now, just to wear tonight," Rachel asked herself, putting a finger to the smile on her face. "It has to be _perfect_. Something that Finn would absolutely love."

As she said Finn's name, his shocked expression after she told him that the old Rachel was dead appeared before her. His question cut through her like a frozen knife, slicing through the warm stupor that the beer was putting her in. He had sounded so innocent and caring, his eyes shining with fear. Fear for her.

Rachel smiled coldly and took another swig to replace the warmth. Finn had nothing to be worried about, she was fine! Actually, she was better than fine. Glancing into the mirror and meeting her eyes, she whispered with a soft pure. "She was perfect..."

xXx

The clock in her car said that it was a little after midnight, and the Hum-son residence was dark and quiet, except for a small beacon of light that shone up from a window in the basement. From Finn's room. The first thought she had was an accusing one - why was that boy still up? He had school in the morning. Then she realized how old Rachel that sounded and she cringed, annoyed at herself for even thinking of such a stupid thing.

Parking her car a block away from the house, she made her way back to Finn's house. Her short dress, revealing too much in her chest and not even covering half of her thighs, was tight against her body but she never felt more powerful. She was beautiful. She was sexy. She was right.

She was the new Rachel.

Creeping slowly up to his window, she kneeled down and ignored the fact that her dress rode up and was revealing way too much than what was appropriate. What she saw when she peeked in brought a small smile of appreciation upon her face. Finn was laying on the bed, a hand draped over his face as if shielding it from the light in the ceiling, and shirtless. Santana was clearly wrong as she stared at his body, noting every muscle and ridge. It sent a pulsating warmth through her body that ended between her legs. She wanted him, she needed him. She wanted his warmth to replace the cold that suddenly rushed upon her, leaving her shaking.

Finn had bought her a little star key chain a while ago when they went to the mall that summer, as it had instantly attracted her attention when it glowed brightly in different colors. Whenever she meet him at his house for a make-out session or just needed someone to talk to and didn't want to wake the whole house, she would put it in his window and hope he would notice. Taking this, she hit the button and watched as it flickered into light for a second before lowering it towards his window.

It took him a moment to see it but eventually the flashing of the light caught his attention and he got up, rushing to the window to see whom it was. A look of surprise, and what she swore was apprehension, came across his face and he opened the window slightly, talking through the screen as he asked, "Rachel? Is that you?"

He put extra stress on the last word and she couldn't help but smile slightly. "It is as much me as you could get."

Finn let out a relieved breath, typically not understanding what she really meant. He suddenly narrowed his eyes, trying to see out in the night. "What are you doing here anyway, Rachel? You usually are sleeping by now." He checked the clock, twisting his body to glance at the machine which brought his pectoral muscles into clearer focus and her hands itched to get to him. "It is 12:26, you would have been sleeping for an hour and a half on a normal night."

"I needed to see you. I need you," Rachel answered, her tone sexual and lustful. "And I have something to show you...may I come in?"

Finn's face lightened up, his eyes blazing with understanding of her true intent. Then they changed, turning darker and sexual. "Of course, the key is under the usual rock. The parents are already asleep and I doubt Kurt would care, I'll put on a shirt while you get in-"

"No," stated Rachel, and Finn blinked. "Keep the shirt off." She smiled him a promise, then hurried to the door, found the key, and silently entered the house. It was easy for her to close it behind her and creep across the floor to the door to Finn's room. He had turned on the light in the stairway so it was easy going down, but she made sure to turn it off when she got to the bottom to make it appear as if he was only sleeping. Then as silent as a shadow, she slipped into Finn's bedroom.

He had turned off the main light and was turning on one of his side-lamps to make it a somewhat romantic mood in the room, but Rachel had only cares for Finn. His back was to her but even the sight of that turned her on, noting its broad size and the muscles layering it. Shirtless, she could see how well his body fit his jeans and his powerful thighs. He was gorgeous, and she couldn't help but to press up against him, running both her hands through the curls at the back of his neck.

Finn tightened at the touch, but didn't move away from it. She was glad, pressing her face into the small gap of his back and bringing to her him his warmth and scent. He smelled so good, a mixture between cologne and a kind of Axe product. She let her hands move over his broad shoulders, feeling the ropes of muscle and rough skin, until her hands were on his chest, digging into the firm flesh with playful kneads. He groaned and turned around to face her, allowing her arms to slide up back onto his shoulders and connect behind his neck.

Breathing heavily, Finn looked down at her and a surprised expression crossed his face. "Rachel, you look..."

Knowing Finn's dilemma with finding, and using, the appropriate words, Rachel suggested, "Beautiful? Gorgeous? Sexy?"

Finn didn't answer, instead he moved his head down and firmly sucked her bottom lip between his teeth in a passionate kiss. He respectfully had put a little distance between his body and hers, but she pressed against him tightly. She wanted his warmth, his love, to completely dominate the cold that she felt inside, and banish any stupid, nagging thoughts that were constantly popping-in her head. She wanted to focus solely upon Finn, wanted to have fun with him and be a true girlfriend for once. To satisfy him.

Rachel, with a quick push of force, sent her boyfriend back onto the bed. His face was flushed, his chest was heaving, and even through his pants she could tell that he was aroused. It pleased her greatly, knowing the effect that she had on boys - especially Finn, who, at times, she couldn't believe was actually with her. Maybe this would make it seem more like we should be, Rachel thought.

Finn eyed her body, not hiding the satisfaction in what he was seeing. "You're so beautiful, Rachel."

"I know," she said, and jumped onto his lap. She felt his erection brush against her, and his eyes grew wide with excitement and fear. He spared the door to his room a quick glance, before leaning forward and bringing her into another heated kiss, his hands grabbing her breasts as hers wandered along his back and over his muscled arms.

His moan of desire sent ripples of heat and warmth through her small body, and she pressed tighter against his arousal. Her tongue fought determinedly against his and she soon had control, her hips moving in small circles on his lap. Excitement, lust, need, warmth, all of them poured and rushed through her body. She was overwhelmed with their intensity, and she was losing control, barely able to keep her thoughts in check.

Finn suddenly threw a hand around her back, and swiveled them around until Rachel's back was into the bed and his broad form was looming over her. His mouth found hers again and they kissed hotly, moans coming through the contact of lips. His bare chest laid across hers, and she felt the heat rush over her head and leave her mind clouded and blank. She wanted Finn; she needed him to banish the cold away from her body and leave her tingling and warm.

Rachel gasped loudly as Finn's mouth turned away from hers and slowly moved across her jaw to the corner where it left off and her neck began. His breath was hot against her burning skin, setting her core on fire and pleasure. She dug her nails into his back, feeling his size brush against her in need. It was all too much, her whole body was on fire.

And she loved it.

The passion of Finn's kisses set her body into a frenzy. She wanted to throw off the dress and the rest of his clothes, to meet in love and sex. She spoke his name, and dimly, clouded by the heat and the beers she drank earlier, realized that it was a growl, monster-like and bestial. It had no trace of her previous self, and Finn even leaned up in surprise.

Her body panicked, unable to comprehend the sudden coolness that pressed against her chest as Finn's body left her. She felt her nails, dug tightly into his skin, stretch across his back as she tried to keep him close.

"Rachel!" Finn's cry of pain shattered her warm bubble, suddenly throwing her into a world of ice. He took a step back from her and turned around, craning his neck to see his back. What Rachel saw made her feel sick and cold, trembling as her numb mind tried to make sense of it.

Ten lines, all deep, were forced across his broad back and sending layers of blood falling thinly down to his hips.

"No, no. I can't have." Rachel muttered, not wishing to look at them but unable to turn away. She had caused those scratches that were now bleeding and causing her loving boyfriend pain. She had hurt Finn. The one person that she vowed she would never hurt on purpose.

"Rachel," Finn's voice made her automatically switch her gaze to his. His eyes weren't angry or hurt, just calm. "It's okay. They're just scratches. I can barely feel them." He was trying to keep an even tone for her, trying to calm the franticness that was slowly starting to smother her. He, the one she had just hurt, was trying to sooth _her_?

Rachel sobbed and jumped from the bed, making sure that she kept a distant away from Finn. "No, you can't touch me. I'm a monster. I'm not anyone-"

"You're Rachel Berry, captain of the Glee club, and the girl that I love," interrupted Finn, taking a step forward to her. His face grimaced painfully for a second before he managed to hide it under a facade of uncaring. Though, Rachel had saw it and she felt another spasm of cold hit her.

"No, no, no. I'm not her. I wouldn't do this to you, I wouldn't do this to us. Please, don't come near me. I'm a monster, a horrible monster." Rachel felt her back hit the wall as Finn slowly made her way towards her, his face benign and loving as he hold out his thick arms for comfort. They looked so inviting, but Rachel couldn't. She couldn't be near him, she would only cause him pain. "Stay away. I'm a monster, I'll hurt you, I'll change you. I don't want you to change...I don't want you to die."

Her speech became that of a lunatic, blabbering and making no sense, as Finn grabbed her and started to pull her into his chest. She pushed him away, and crumpled to the ground. Suddenly, Finn's room was gone and she was back in the cold forest, the smell of leaves and dirt heavy in her nose. A hand fell upon her shoulder.

"No!" She screamed and threw out her arms. Once she felt contact, she threw out a barrage of punches. Her fists struck at something hard and warm, only seeing the face of Jesse as the memories of that day rained down upon her. Rachel tried to defend herself with her widely flung arms, but he kept coming. "Stay away, stay away. Please, don't hurt me. Don't do this, not now. Not after him, don't ruin it for me!"

"Rach, Rach, it's going to be okay." A soft and loving voice plunged through the dark and pulled her away from the vile memory. "I love you, and I will never hurt you. I love you."

Rachel blinked, the image of Finn's room suddenly appearing before her. She was slightly shocked to find herself beating Finn's chest as he tried to pull her into his chest, his eyes never flinching or blaming as she kept hitting him. She stopped, her body exhausted and cold, and slumped into his chest with sobs tearing through her form.

Finn instantly had his arms around her and holding her close to him, his head gently laying against the top of hers. "It's going to be okay, you're going to be okay. I love you."

Sobbing into his neck as they knelt together on the floor with blood dripping down Finn's back and tremors of cold shaking her body, Rachel only muttered before falling into a dark state of sleep, "You can't love a monster, Finn. They will only cause you pain..."

**Somewhat long chapter (for me anyway) so I hope you enjoyed! I love reviews, especially when they point out what I could work on and improve. Thank you! Hope you review!**


	6. The Monster

**Another chapter! This probably will be the last one for the year, as I am going to be EXTREMELY busy these next few days, but I wanted to wish you all Happy Holidays and a beautiful New Years! I shall see you next year! You guys are amazing, if I haven't told you that yet!**

6) The Monster

Finn cradled Rachel's slumbering form, her face wet against his chest as he made small, soothing sounds even though he knew that she couldn't hear them. It was more for him that he made the noises as it gave him a sense of productivity, that he was doing something, or at least trying, to help her. She looked so lost and broken, a shattered form of her once-bright self. He wanted to help, to put her back together piece by piece, but every time he tried it seemed like he kept breaking her.

His back stung fiercely suddenly, reminding him harshly of what had just happened. He didn't blame Rachel for them, he deserved them. The Rachel that he knew wouldn't wear such a dress, stay out after eleven on a school night, and defiantly not just throw herself at him. Yet, he had gone along with it. His own stupid feelings got in the way of hers, and he hated himself for it.

The young woman stirred in his arms, and Finn froze. He wanted her to sleep, she had looked so tired like she had been fighting or working all day. Though, she only turned over and moved closer to him, letting out his name in a breath of content. He let out his own breath that he was holding, and blinked away sudden tears that appeared in his eyes. His back may have been bleeding and stinging like a bitch, head aching from loss of sleep and the trauma of the day, and his legs were slowly starting to fall asleep, but he never felt more alive, more purposeful. He was with Rachel and that was all that mattered, he needed no other purpose than that. A need of protecting her suddenly overwhelmed him, his arms self-consciously tightening around the petite girl that he held in his arms.

He would never let her go.

Finn, after another moment to let Rachel fall into a deeper sleep, he rose up from his spot on the floor and, carrying the sleeping girl, moved her over to his bed. He gently laid her down on the sheets and brought one of the loose blankets over her exposed body, taking extra care to make sure that she wasn't cold. She looked so small in his gigantic bed, as he delicately brushed the loose hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ears. Seeing that and what had just occurred forced Finn to look away from her her as questions sprung into his head.

_What had caused this? What sort of event could make Rachel change so drastically and force her into doing this? Why couldn't she tell him what happened?_

Finn vowed at that moment, that no matter what would happen, he would stand by Rachel and protect her from any further harm. He wasn't going to leave her to fight this pain alone, and, hell, he was going to find out what had happened. It may not be that day, he reasoned, but someday she will tell me and I'll be there to help her. No matter what.

His body ached and he wanted nothing else but to crawl into bed next to Rachel and fall asleep, but he had something to take care of first. Padding silently over to his bathroom, he shut the door before turning on the light so it wouldn't bother Rachel. Then, taking a deep breath, he moved so his back was to the mirror and looked over at the mirror.

Ten scratches were flicked across his back in sharp angles, the blood drying already on his skin. He blocked out the screaming irrational thoughts that told him that Rachel did this and forced himself to look at it professionally. They weren't that deep and already had stopped bleeding, but looked as if they could open at any second. A thin layer of pink covered his tanned back, but, luckily, the blood hadn't reached his jeans or boxers.

Grabbing a wash cloth and wetting it from the faucet, Finn used strained gestures to clean off all the blood. The cuts stung crippling whenever he brushed the cloth against them, but he ignored the pain and thought of the horror that Rachel was going through. His hurt was _tiny_ compared to hers, and he would never allow her to know that he was hurting. Maybe it was just a masculine thing but, Finn's reason anyway, was that he didn't want her to worry and be guilty of the pain.

Finn threw the wash cloth, pink with his blood, into the clean sink and glared at himself in the mirror. It was his fault this had all happened tonight, he allowed his emotions to get in the way of his thoughts. The moment he saw Rachel in that revealing outfit, he knew that she really was different. He was going to tell her that, but he had been too attracted to the curves of her body and the way the slim dress revealed her modest breasts. There had been no hope for him as he kissed her and lost himself in his teenage hormones.

He clutched at the counter-top, wishing to go back and change everything. If he hadn't been _distracted_ he would of noticed the odd neediness that enveloped Rachel, the way her body melded forcefully into his and revolved around his junk. Finn took a breath as his blood started to race, unable to believe that his body was reacting to those memories, and quickly shot them down with his mailman incident.

Finn shook his head, banishing another dark memory away from him. He meet his eyes in the mirror and kept the gaze, "This will not happen again, you won't allow this. You are never going to allow your emotions and own personal feelings to get in the way of Rachel. She needs you to be more than you are, she needs a hero."

Steeling himself with this speech, he turned off the bathroom light and peered into his room. It was still lit-up by a low glow from the light he turned on earlier, and his eyes quickly sought out Rachel's sleeping form. When he saw her revolving around and muttering in her sleep, he hurried over and laid next to her, laying on his chest to not provoke his scratches, and placed one arm around his girlfriend awkwardly. Immediately, she panicked against it and tried to push away, her eyelids fluttering with the madness of her nightmare.

Finn just held her close to him with one arm and buried his face in her long hair, smelling the rich smell of her perfume and shampoo. "It will be okay, I won't let anyone hurt you. I'm here, Rachel. Always."

xXx

Grey, cold, dirt, leaves.

Bright and demeaning blue eyes.

Warm and loving cinnamon eyes.

That was what her world was all now, lost in a blur of sound, smells, and images that flashed by, confusing and startling her as reality died away and nightmare began. Darkness enveloped her mind, forcing her into a disturbing sleep that pushed her into dark memories. She opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out, only the sound of leaves brushing together above her head was heard.

Leaves? Rachel glanced around, finding herself kneeling in a white and gray forest that she found vaguely familiar. It wasn't until she heard the soft sound of leaves crushing under shoes that she realized where she was. Her heart raced painfully, fearing that it may burst out from her ribs, and a sickly dread bloomed in her stomach. She couldn't turn, she couldn't move. Her body was paralyzed in fear of what she knew was going to happen next...the horror.

"No! No!" She barely heard her own voice but it came tearing out of her throat and the footsteps paused. There was a brief silence, and she grew hope from that, desperate to stop the inevitable. "Don't do this, I did nothing wrong. I'm a good person, why did you-"

"You're nothing."

The voice was cold and heartless, but truth rang in every word as he continued. "Nothing wrong? Lie. Good person? Lie." Each word was like a punch to her stomach, forcing herself to face her past mistakes and horrifying deeds. "You are selfish, wanting things from others that you know they can't obtain. You take away people's talents and interests because you are insecure, that they might leave you for that. You, Rachel Berry, have no right to say that you are a good person!"

His last words were a scream, and Rachel flinched away from them. Burying her face into her hands, she cried, "I am, I am. No one deserves this!"

The footsteps continued, each step a shattering of her inner-self. "You do. You broke so many people, Rachel. You broke that Sunshine girl, forcing her into a crack house with lies and false promises. You ruined the chances of Kurt winning the election as you entered it yourself, betraying his trust and friendship. Then, let's not forget Finn. You destroyed him in junior year, leaving him so broken that he returned to the girl who broke him first. Then, your actions alone today...Lying to him, hiding the truth, the cuts on his back. You hurt him, Rachel. And you dare declare yourself a good person!"

"You made me do it!" Rachel screamed, still unable to look up from her hands as she heard the footsteps stop next to her. "I wouldn't have to lie, I wouldn't need to cower, and I wouldn't-" She couldn't finish as her throat constricted into a sob, painfully cutting her words off.

A silence again. Then: "Oh, you would. It may not have happened today, but you would have eventually. You are not a nice person, Rachel. You are despicable."

"Because YOU changed me," Rachel bellowed and threw her head up, and was meet with the gaze of herself. She was looking down at her with cold eyes and a ghastly smile, revealing her canines as she did. Her clothes were torn and faded, showing dirtied and scratched skin in places. Her usually neat hair was wild and cascaded around her in a flurry of brown. She was the girl in the mirror.

"I didn't change you, Rachel." His voice came from her mouth, sounding odd and horrifying as she spoke. "I only turned the key and allowed you free, to force you to face yourself. To meet the monster that you truly are, and not hiding behind that sweet-girl facade."

Rachel couldn't speak, her eyes wide and horrifying as the bitter words hit her hard. The Girl laughed cruelly and jumped at her, nails stretched out towards her face. She didn't stop or even try to prevent the attack, bowing her head in mute acceptance and with a soft, "I'm sorry."

Rachel woke with a start, her mind confused at her new surroundings. Gone was the forest and The Girl and, instead, she was in a bed, blankets wrapped tightly around her, and a single, bare arm lay across her stomach and pressing her into something solid and warm. She panicked, unable to comprehend where she was and what happened, and was about to scream when she heard a slight snore. The innocent sound made everything click back into place and she forced herself to relax, to allow her heart to slow and let her breathing return to normal.

As she did, she revolved her body around slowly to look at the owner of the arm. Finn, his head directed towards her, was snoring softly as he lay on his stomach. His face was cleared of all stress and he looked peaceful, a slight smile upon his face as the sound of his steady breathing filled the room. Rachel couldn't help but to smile and place a hand upon his face, feeling the slight stubble that was appearing there. He was beautiful.

Finn moved slightly at her touch, leaning forward into the palm of her hand and twisting his body partially. As he did, his back came into view - along with the cuts that ranged down the broad surface. The cuts that she had caused. She shivered, unable, again, to look away from them and forcing herself to look. He must have cleaned some of the blood off because most all of the blood was gone, but one had opened and was starting to ooze.

She wasn't able to be there anymore, not close to Finn. She had hurt him! If she could do that to him, what could she do her other loved ones? It was an unbearable prospect, and she quickly wiggled out of the bed, taking extra caution not to wake up Finn. He would want to talk about **it**, and she defiantly was not ready for that talk - like ever.

As soon as she left the warmth and comfort of the sheets, Rachel felt a cold rush up her body and she automatically shivered. She had forgotten entirely on how skimpy her dress was, and wished that she could just slip right back under the sheets and cozy-up with her boyfriend. But she didn't. She didn't want to have another dream, another nightmare like the one she just had; to relive that horror, his voice, his face...she just couldn't and quickly hurried to Finn's door.

"Rachel?" Finn's soft voice interrupted the silence, and Rachel froze. She begged that this wasn't going to happen - that it wasn't happening - and looked over her shoulder. Finn was still asleep, muttering her name as his own dream affected him. The hand that had been holding her tight only a few moments ago was groping in the sheets, looking for her body.

Tears welling up in her eyes, Rachel shook her head and left the house.

xXx

"Rachel! Open this door!" Finn screamed, pounding his large fists upon the Berry's door. His arms and hands were soon aching with the strikes but he didn't let up. "You can't stay in that house all week, Rach! Please, let me in! We need to talk!"

He paused for a second, hoping and begging for a response to his pleas. When he didn't hear anything but the sound of a dog barking two houses over and a truck going by, he sighed and walked dejectedly back to his truck. He had been doing the same thing for the past two days, today being the third attempt, but still Rachel would not come out of the house or at least allow him to enter. It pissed him off because he knew what the problem was - she was scared about how he would react to her after what happened Monday night.

Glancing back at the silent house, Finn felt another pang of uncertainty and wondered if he should try again. Though he knew that Rachel wouldn't come out, no matter what he tried to say or do. His jaw clenched, and he turned back to his truck and entered it this time, with a vow that if Rachel didn't come out by Glee club tomorrow...he was going to break-down her door and drag her out. To hell, if he was going to allow her to drown herself in her sorrows.

And, defiantly to hell, if Rachel thought she could push him out of her life so easily.

"Finn, sit down and settle," muttered Quinn, toying with her short, blond hair and watching him walk back and forth in the choir room. It only took him, with his long legs, a couple of steps to travel across the floor but he couldn't stop himself from pacing. He needed to vent his feelings, the anger of being able to do nothing, the sadness of not knowing what the hell to do, and the hopelessness of not having Rachel with him.

It took all his strength not to lash out at the wall, and his pacing speed grew quicker. He never knew how hard it would to be apart from Rachel. It was like him without his arm or playing football, he just didn't feel right without her. A few days without Rachel's nonstop chattering and always begging him to do things with her that he didn't want to do, he would have thought a week ago would be heaven. But now Finn wished that Rachel would do those things, to return to her old self and be happy, happy with him.

"Seriously, dude," Puck's voice came from behind him and a hand dropped onto his shoulder, pushing him into a chair with a forceful push. Finn glared but didn't complain as the Mohawk-haired boy snorted and shook his head. "Stop walking back and forth like a dog before a closed door, or you'll soon be wetting yourself. If you really want Berry, then go over to her house and bust her door down."

"Puck!" Quinn retorted, giving him a glare that made him glance away and sit down. After a moment, she returned her attention back to Finn. "I, somewhat, agree with Puck. You should try to speak with Rachel-"

"You act like I haven't fucking tried," growled Finn, clasping and unclasping his hands in his lap. "I have been going to her house very single day this week, begging her to speak with me, but she doesn't. I'm not even sure she is in the house, but I have no idea where else she would be, except here...or with me."

Quinn gave him a sympathetic look that he didn't want, he wanted Rachel. Without waiting for her to say another word, Finn dropped his head into the refuge of his hands. He heard the other members of Glee walk by him, some, like Tina, placed an encouraging hand upon his shoulder and gave him a gentle squeeze, but no one said anything. What was there to say, Finn asked himself while feeling stupid tears appear in his eyes. I'm sorry that your girlfriend is having issues that she won't tell anyone about, including you, and that she won't talk to you because she mutilated the hell out of your back.

Finn, of course, had told no one about that night, not even Kurt or his mom. It had been too personal for him to tell anyone else, and he feared that people would think wrongly of Rachel. They didn't see the horror in her eyes after it happened, a dreadful realization that left her shaking and practically gasping for breath. They wouldn't of understood, so Finn kept his mouth shut and hoped he could of talked about it to Rachel, but she apparently didn't want anything to do with him. The words sounded cruel in his head, and he silently wiped away the tears and raised his head, determined to not let everything get him down. Even if he was failing miserably, he thought glumly.

"Friday! Last day, guys!" Mr. Schuester exclaimed as he entered the choir room, dropping his bag off while pointing at the board where "Inner-self" was still written. "We still haven't heard a song from Finn or Rachel."

Finn squirmed awkwardly. He had totally forgotten about this week's assignment, his mind had been focused entirely upon Rachel. He coughed, "I actually couldn't find, err, a song, Mr. Schu. It has been a long week."

Mr. Schuester gave him a slightly sympathetic look before shaking his head in disapproval. "Finn, you're a co-captain. You have to try harder if we want to win Nationals this year and make it our year to shine."

"Kind of hard to win without Rachel or half the other girls," Finn muttered, allowing the anger to show in his tone. Mr. Schuester raised any eyebrow, not expecting a response like that from gentle Finn Hudson. Finn, truthfully, didn't care. It was true that he liked to be the leader, the one to guide and aid, but he never realized how lonely, or difficult, it could be without Rachel at his side. She was the true leader, giving him ideas and strategies, while he made sure that they were followed out to the best of everyone's abilities. Without Rachel, it just didn't feel the same.

After a moment to see if Finn would add anything, Schuester sighed and faced the whole choir. "Rachel isn't here today; sick with something bad is what Principal Figgins told me. So, we'll just do any ideas you guys have for Sectionals-"

"I'm here." A voice, achingly familiar to Finn, came from the door and he looked up to the door with hopeful eyes.

Rachel, wearing a black coat that was wrapped tightly around her small body and with the hood up, slowly walked into the room. She kept her head bowed, leaving most of her face in shadows as she made her way to the piano. Without raising her head or meeting anyone's eye, Rachel simply said. "I have my song."

Mr. Schuester gave her a confused and worried look but didn't say anything, resigning himself to taking a seat next to Finn. The tall boy was in a mix of emotions. He couldn't describe how relieved he was to have Rachel finally out of the house, but the way she was acting bothered him. It wasn't the fact that she was wearing dark clothing (which she usually abhorred), but how she couldn't meet his eyes and the way the bottom of her mouth was pulled down into a sad frown.

The whole club was silent as Rachel placed a CD into one of the players attached to the pitiful surround sound the boys had hooked-up in the choir room. Hitting the play button, Finn was surprised to hear a heavy beat (for Rachel, anyway) surround him. Then came Rachel's words:

_The secret side of me, I never let you see  
>I keep it caged but I can't control it<br>So stay away from me, the beast is ugly  
>I feel the rage and I just can't hold it<em>

_ It's scratching on the walls, in the mirror, in the room  
>It comes awake and I can't control it<br>Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head  
>Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?<em>

_ I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin  
>I must confess that I feel like a monster<br>I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun  
>I must confess that I feel like a monster<em>

_I, I feel like a monster  
>I, I feel like a monster<em>

Rachel kept her head down the entire time, her words sounding harsher than normal. To Finn, it sounded like she hadn't even warmed up or went over the song lyrics that many times; two things that she would never consider not doing. He noticed various mistakes from the original and couldn't help but to wonder about them, and her song choice. Why "Monster?" A cold feeling of dread washed over him, making his palms sweat as he watched his girlfriend sway with the beat of the song, her intentions clear to him as his gaze flicked unconsciously to the word on the board.

She thought of herself as a monster...

_She's hiding in the dark, her teeth are razor sharp_  
><em> There's no escape for me, she wants my soul, she wants my heart<em>  
><em> No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream<em>  
><em> Maybe she's inside of me, stop this monster<em>

_ I feel it deep within, she's just beneath the skin_  
><em>I must confess that I feel like a...<strong>MONSTER<strong>!_

As she screamed the last word, the note ringing in the choir room horrifyingly, she threw off her coat and glared at the whole choir room. The music of the song drowned the exclamations of the other members out, but Finn's world suddenly went quiet. His mind froze, his breath got shallow, but his heart speed-up as he couldn't comprehend what he was seeing.

Gone were the simple shoes, the bright and twirly skirts, the animal sweaters, and the knee-socks. Instead, Rachel wore black pants that looked tight against her legs, emphasizing the curves of her thighs, and that ended into a pair of black boots. Her shirt was cut-low, revealing the smooth skin of her stomach and abs, and two thick, blacks bands were around each of her wrists. Though, what made Finn shake and feel his whole world totter, was her face...and that her hair only fell slightly below her ears. Her long and thick hair was gone, replaced by a cut that looked like it was done with the sharp end of a knife.

And then there was her face. Black make-up was plastered heavily around her eyes, making her usual olive skin look even paler in comparison and somewhat sickly. Her lips were colorless, only a small, downward curve of pink that was reflected in her eyes. Dead and cold, the brown gaze looked made of stone; a bleak and lonesome emptiness.

Rachel's song ended, the last beats of the song dying into silence in the choir room. No one moved, no one said anything. The girl in front of them, with a shake of her short hair, moved her vacant eyes across all of their faces, analyzing their expressions with cold professionalism. As her gaze was about to move to Finn's, she suddenly looked away and closed her eyes. "Say something. Your silence is feeling like hell."

"What did you do to yourself!" Tina asked, slowly getting up and moving towards Rachel. The small brunette stopped her with a look of daggers, reproving of the approach. The Asian girl stopped, her hands twisting around each other clearly showing that she was awkward but wanting the need to reach out and help. "What have you become?" Tina threw a look at Finn, begging for him to do something.

Finn didn't move, his eyes upon the girl who wouldn't meet his own. He knew that she was ignoring him, trying to forgot about him, trying not to remember the incident on Monday night.

Rachel only knocked her head as if hearing a question that she couldn't believe anyone would ask. "What have I became? I didn't change. " She laughed, but it was cold and high-pitched with no mirth in her eyes or face. "I only allowed my true-self to show, to free her. I am a monster."

"Crazy bitch, maybe." Puck stated, earning himself several harsh looks from other members but which only Rachel smiled at slightly, a cold grin that wasn't reflected in her eyes. The Mohawk boy flinched slightly at her unusual expression, but cleared his throat and added. "But you're not a monster, Jewish Princess."

"But, Noah, that is where you are wrong, but that isn't really unusual for you, is it?" Rachel said, her words bitter but a layer of truth in them. "I am a hideous, horrible, mean monster. I have done things that most people would rarely think of doing, and defiantly not attempt. I've broken hearts, broken dreams, broken promises. Why? Because I only cared about myself and my own securities, hiding it all behind an innocent facade."

Rachel paused again, crossing her arms but wincing slightly as her wrists brushed against her bare skin. She quickly put them back at her side, a brief flash of worry in her eyes before returning to the indifferent stone. Finn noticed this all, his eyes narrowed as he wondered what it could mean. He was forced to turn away from his thoughts as Rachel started speaking again.

"It took me seventeen years, but I see what I am." Rachel said slowly, her words sinking into each of the glee kids. "I am a monster, and I deserve this. I deserved all of it."

Finn couldn't handle it anymore and he snapped. He jumped to his feet, grabbed Rachel's upper arm, and forced her to look into his gaze. The moment their eyes meet, he was shocked by what he saw. The stone melted before him, showing a profound fear that was shaking Rachel to the core. She was scared of him? The question made him feel cold and a rush of guilt erupted through him, but he didn't stop. He needed her to see!

Eyes blazing with the love he felt inside and the warmth that flooded him whenever he felt her touch, he said, "You are not a monster. You did nothing wrong."

The instant the words were out of his mouth, he knew those weren't the right words to say to her as the stone wall suddenly flared up again. A small, sarcastic grin spread across her face and she asked, "Oh, really? Do you really believe that?"

Suddenly, she forced his large body around and pulled up the back of his shirt, exposing the red cuts across his back. "Now, do you believe that I am a monster? I did this! To him! How worse can I get!"

Dropping the shirt, she meet all of their gazes with a single sweep. Her expression was pleased as they were all looking disturbed and horrified at what they were seeing. "Now, you see. Now, you realize."

**I hope you enjoyed! I really would love reviews, so all those people who Alert/Favorite, tell me how I'm doing! I like feedback, especially comments that may aid in my writing. I take the good, the bad, and the ugly reviews and take them into consideration in my writing, trying to be the best I can be. So, please, review and tell me what I need to work on because I'm pretty sure I have things to work on. Anyway, hope you enjoyed and will review. Have a nice Holiday and New Year!**


	7. A Step

**Kind of short compared to my last chapters, sorry! I just couldn't get into this one for some reason...**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing...**.

7) A Step

Finn, ignoring the looks of others as they stared at him with a mixture of shock and disgust, grabbed Rachel's arm and pulled her forcefully out of the choir room. No one raised their voice to stop the two, each one of them knowing that it was only he - Finn - who would be able to do anything now for her. She fought against his grasp, twisting and turning her arm to try and pull away but he kept a firm grip. With his jaw set and mind on where he was going, the tall boy barely even heard Rachel saying, "Let go of me! Let go, Finn!"

"No." He said bluntly, his stride purposeful as he marched them both to her locker. Stopping, he nodded at her. "Open it."

Rachel's gaze grew cold, and she tried pulling away again with a fierce tug. "You can't make me do anything, just because-"

"Open it, Rachel. Now." Finn's voice held no tone for arguing or disobeying. He was trying not to yell as his emotions waged war upon him, unable to believe that this was happening to Rachel. Her short hair made her look older and meaner, and Finn could barely look into her eyes without flinching back in horror. Their emptiness, their anger - it made him just want to close his own eyes and believe that it was all a nightmare, and when he opened them it would all be back to normal.

The petite girl gave him another look of fury, but reluctantly opened her locker. Finn, without taking his hand away, quickly looked through the small space. His eyes briefly traveled across the picture of him, the cat calendar with his and her faces (trying to ignore the pang in his heart when he noticed that Rachel hadn't crossed out any of the dates during the past week, something that she would normally never have allowed), and the golden star, before moving his attention to the back of her locker. He pushed a few books aside and grabbed the small bag that she always had back there.

He shut the locker and, readjusting his grasp on Rachel, started moving her towards the nearest girl's bathroom. She glared at him still, though she didn't fight as he pushed her inside and locked the door behind them.

"Well," Rachel arched an eyebrow at him, her disapproval of him apparent in her stance. "You got me here, what are you doing to do about it?"

Finn threw the bag at her which she caught clumsily, both knowing what was inside of it. Each of the Glee kids had one in their lockers, never knowing when they might get slushied, always had a spare change of clothes. Rachel opened the bag, revealing a bright skirt and an animal sweater. The sight brought Finn a sudden rush of how Rachel acted before this week. Gruffly, he said, "Change."

Rachel scoffed, unbelieving, and threw the bag into the sink. "I'm not going to change and you can't make me, Finn. I like my new clothes, my new look - I love the new me."

"It isn't you, Rach. And you know that this isn't you either," said Finn, reaching out and picking up the bag. "If anything, I think you hate this look more than anyone else. Your song showed that to me. That you hated yourself and need help, for someone to reach out and take your hand and bring you back-"

"No!" Rachel snapped, her eyes blazing with anger as she stared at the old package of clothes in his hands. "That is not what I freaking meant. I wanted to show you, to show everyone, who I am. I'm a horrible person, Finn, something which I told you last year. And you didn't even deny it, so how can you stand here and be a fucking hypocrite."

Finn's brow furrowed as he tried to remember. "Just because I didn't deny it doesn't mean that I thought it was true, Rach. I-"

"Stop calling me that," she said, throwing her hands up in the air in exasperation. "Rach" is what I used to be, a name that you gave to your girlfriend."

Finn reeled back, his heart plummeting as her words hit him. "What do you mean by that? Are..._are you breaking up with me_?"

For a split second, Finn saw a brief image of the Rachel he knew. She looked hopeless and broken, desperate tears shining in her eyes - the same gaze that she gave him when he broke-up with her last year. Then it was gone, replaced by a nonchalant mask. "No, but you should do it already. I am content with this new me and if you don't like it?" She took a breath and meet his eyes, forcing brown upon cinnamon. "Break-up with me."

The tall Gleek winced, her harsh words forcing him to look away from her probing gaze. "Rach - Rachel, I haven't been the smartest guy, defiantly making probably the stupidest decisions anyone can make. I cheated, I lied, I was cruel to you when I broke-up with you, two years in a row and then making up...twice. I am not a perfect person, nor are you or anyone else in the world. People make mistakes and I am not going to hold that against you, not again."

"Mistakes are different than intentions," Rachel retorted, her pitch raising alarmingly. "My intentions were heartless in the past, only focusing upon myself. I cursed anyone who dared to try and take one of my solos, I pushed people who were competition into the dark, and then there was what I did to you."

"I don't blame you for the scratches, Rachel." Finn reached out a hand but she took a step back, the same look of fear he saw earlier replace her usual stone-eyed appearance. "Why? Why are you scared of me?"

She didn't respond right away, her expression distant as, he knew, her memory was returning to that night. Finally, Rachel admitted. "I'm not scared of you, Finn, I know that you would never mean me harm. I-I'm just terrified that I might hurt you." She shook her head as his mouth opened to argue. "Don't say that I can't! Because I have done it before and I could do it again, and not just last year with kissing Puckerman! I forced you into choosing between football and me, I kept hassling you last year when I should have backed off and let you collect your thoughts, and if I haven't of done that thing with Noah we would of defiantly won Nationals 'cause then you wouldn't have needed to kiss me. And-"

"Stop." Finn said softly, closing his eyes as the dark memories rushed upon him, reminding him of the loss and the way he felt of himself as being pathetic when he found both his girlfriends cheated on him - with the same person. It angered him and made him want to lash out at something, but they also brought a stark realization. They had gone through hell, but they always managed to trek through it, and they could get through this (whatever _that_ was). "I'm not breaking up with you, Rach. We gone through so much and we can get through this. But first, you can't wear that."

As he opened his eyes, Rachel grabbed the bag and was slowly caressing the lark on the sweater. A small, sad smile was upon her face and tears were brimming in her eyes. Though that wasn't what made Finn's body tremble and make his own-self feel like breaking down, it was the look in her eyes that did. A terrible longing filled the brown eyes as her grasp tightened over the soft clothing, and she let out a small sob. Hopelessness hung over her like a cloud, leaving her dreary and sad. "But I can't wear this..."

"Why not! What happened, Rach?" Finn begged, taking a step forward and pulling Rachel into his chest and holding her close. She was always tiny, but she felt even smaller as he tightened his arms around her back. "I won't judge, I won't blame. I just want - need - to know. Please, Rach, just tell me."

Rachel was silent for a moment, the top of her head resting against his neck. Finally, she only said. "I can't, Finn. You'll never look at me the same again and I am not sure I could handle that, not now. Please, let me go. Just give up and let me go, Rach is gone. She'll never come back."

He didn't care as the tears slid down his cheeks, unable to comprehend the defeat in her voice; a tone that she had never spoken to him with before. It hurt him to know that this was all coming from Rachel, the strong and sure one, the one who never gave up. He always looked to her when he needed reassurance, to see her with her head held high gave him the strength to muster on through so many things: the betrayal of Puck and Quinn; losing his status as quarterback; the way his future crumbled at the simple words of recruiter Cooter Menkins. She had always been there for him to take her hand and lead him out of the dark, and he would be there to do the same.

"I'll never let go of you, Rach." Finn returned, aware of how his voice shook with his tears. "Not again. You mean too much to me to let you just walk out of my life, and I defiantly won't allow you to. Don't even try to argue about it, for I won't listen or accept it."

"Okay, Finn." Rachel said, resigned. She pulled away from him, wiping her own tears from her face and not looking into his wet eyes. She sniffed, and tried to smile. "Can you please turn around, if I'm going to change I would like a little privacy. I know we did it and all, but-"

"I get it," Finn moved over to the corner of the bathroom, closing his eyes even though his back was turned to her. He was relieved that she was actually changing. _It is only a step_, he thought to himself, _but a step of many that we''ll take with each other, to return her to the old Rachel, and then she'll be happy_!

He heard the sound of garments rustling and he couldn't help but to smile, picturing Rachel in her animal sweater again was making him feel so much lighter, like a load would be lifted off his shoulders. She would look beautiful in it, he just knew it. "Rachel?"

A brief pause, then she asked hesitantly, "Yes?"

"I just wanted to say thank you," Finn muttered, letting his heart control his words. "I know it must hurt to try and change back to what you once were, but I know that everything will be better when we try to get back to normal. We''ll get through this, Rach. Together."

She was silent for a moment, a cold sound that filled the small bathroom. Then, "I'm sorry, Finn. I can't, I just can't." Suddenly, he heard the sound of the bathroom door being unlocked and flung open, footsteps ringing loudly as she bolted.

Finn spun around and hurried to the door, but slid on the bag that Rachel had dropped and almost crashed to the floor. He righted himself on a soap dispenser that hung on one of the walls, cursing to himself as he flung the bag off his gray shoe. He blew past the door, breathing heavily as a slow panic fell over him. Glancing in both directions of the hallway, he couldn't see sight of the small brunette anywhere.

"Rachel!" He screamed, his yell reverberating in the empty corridors of William McKinley High School. It died slowly with only his echo in return. Chest rising and falling, he kicked the wall with a loud, "Fuck!"

"Finn?" A soft, hesitant voice asked and Finn twirled around, his spirit rising even though he knew that the tone didn't match Rachel's at all. Ignoring the deflating feeling inside of his stomach, he was meet with a fragile-looking woman with ginger hair. She smiled at him, her eyes wide with sympathy and care. "Anything I can help with?"

A half-an-hour later, Finn was sitting in Ms. Pillsbury office staring at his feet and explaining everything that happened in the past week. It was surprisingly easy to explain everything to her as she looked at him with open and gentle doe-eyes. A pressure seemed to lift off of him as he spoke every word, allowing others to know what was happening made himself feel easier, like he wasn't alone in dealing with Rachel. Which, he thought to himself, sounded horrible as Rachel was his girlfriend and should be his responsibility.

"I just don't get it," Finn muttered as he finished telling the teacher what had happened. "She was fine when she left my house after we, err-"

"Had sexual nasty," Ms. Pillsbury filled-in quickly, looking just as awkward as he felt. "Did she say anything about where she was going after that? Or what she was going to do?"

"When she left my house...she said something about working on her NYADA application," Closing his eyes, Finn tried to recount everything that had happened. "But, wait - she said she was going to some place to look for music...was it Samantha's Signs?"

"Samantha's Symbols? The music shop?" Pillsbury asked, looking confused. "Are you sure?"

"I think so, it was loud and what-not in the cafeteria."

The guidance counselor looked away for a moment, thinking hard before turning to face Finn again. She smiled slightly, trying to appease the uncomfortable prickling that was rising on his arms and back. "Samantha's Symbols is closed on weekends."

Finn blinked. "So?"

Trying to not look exasperated, Pillsbury explained, "If that shop is closed on weekends, then Rachel defiantly wouldn't of gone there. Which, with her talent and future career, is something I would guess that she would know about it. So-"

"Rachel lied to me."

The words came toneless out of his mouth as the truth suddenly rushed down upon him. Closing his eyes, he burrowed his head into his hands and let his thoughts take over. Anger, hate - those were the emotions he thought he would feel, but he didn't. Instead, a raging sadness and a feeling of disappoint came over him. Their promise of never lying came back to him, haunting his mind. When he made that promise, lost in his love for her, he always assumed that it would be him who broke it first. Not Rachel.

Finn ran his hands through his hair in desperation as his continuous thoughts ran through his mind. If she lied about this, what else could she have lied about? The pants? The period? Looking back, Finn wanted to hit himself. How dense did he have to be not to notice those apparent lies? Rachel never wore pants, even in the middle of December! And, she had to have periods before Monday and he always placed his hand in her hand on her lap, so he would of noticed that reaction before.

"I'm so stupid!" growled Finn, who wanted nothing more than to find Rachel and to ask her what the hell had made her lie to him. But, also, a small part of him wanted to stay in that small office and cradle all his memories of the old Rachel, and forget that this all happened. Though he knew he couldn't do that, not to Rachel. "I need to find her."

"Wait!" Ms. Pillsbury, holding up a hand as he raised from his seat, said. "Do you even know where she is?"

Finn's brow furrowed then he reluctantly sat back down, feeling very small. "No. The last time I saw her was when she was about to change into her old clothes."

"Old clothes? What do you mean by that?"

"Rachel didn't just change...mentally, she also did physically." Finn explained. "She cut her hair short, her wardrobe changed into something of a goth - like the real goth, even past Tina's style. She had these ugly boots-"

"It sounds like she dressed like Quinn Fabray at the beginning of this year." The ginger said, her eyes widening as if a sudden thought hit her. "I think I might know where Rachel is. If Rachel is following Quinn's path of desperation and trying to find a new self, then she would go to the only place where she would be accepted without question."

"Wait!" Finn said, his ire growing at her words. "Rachel is perfectly accepted in the Glee club. Why would she want to find somewhere else? I mean, since Santana and half the other girls left, no one really has a strong disliking for her. And what about me? I would accept her without reason."

"Finn, I know," Pillsbury said, leaning over and placing a small hand over his large one, squeezing gently. The action made him think of Rachel and all the times she had done the same for him. "But something bad happened to Rachel, we both agree on that, and I believe that might of made her emotionally unstable. She isn't thinking clearly. Just like Quinn."

Breathing heavily to calm his anger, he saw the reasoning in the guidance counselor's words. "Okay, I think. Where do you think Rachel is, and what does this have to do with Quinn?"

"Because Rachel is following Quinn's same road of thought of wanting a new beginning," Ms. Pillsbury said quickly. "All the steps are there: the hair, the clothes, the withdrawal. If following that path, she would be lead to meeting with those poor, troubled girls that like to hang out under the bleachers-"

"The Skanks?"

The teacher looked slightly flustered. "I prefer troubled girls, but yes, them. My best guess would to find her there and-"

Finn didn't wait to hear the rest as he was already bursting through the doors and heading to the football field. Whatever happened, one thing was clear - he wasn't going to allow Rachel to end the way Quinn did.

To. Hell. If. He. Would.

**Hope you enjoyed! Please review/favorite/alert/other amazing things you people do!**


	8. A Place Among the Skanks

**Hello! Hope you enjoy and review! Sorry for the wait!**

**Dedication: I dedicate this to Mary Rayn S. - a friend that wanted people to call her Ray because she thought Rayn sounded too depressing. I'm sorry, Ray, that I couldn't of been there for you like you are to Rachel in this chapter! I miss you and I'll never forget you. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**.

8) A Place Among The Skanks

Rachel ran down the hallways of William McKinley, her eyes wild as she tried to keep her footsteps from making any noise. She couldn't bear it if Finn followed her, unable to handle the pain that was shining in his eyes whenever she said something offensive or hurtful, which seemed to be everything that came out of her mouth. It wasn't fair to him, especially after all he had been trying to do to help her the last week and he didn't even know what happened!

_He would be disgusted,_ a voice emanated around her and she stopped, heart racing with fear as she recognized the voice. Turning her head, she realized that she was standing right before the Attendance Office, where portions of the wall were made out of glass to allow the teachers and students to peek through. But, it being well past the time where after-school activities ended, the inside was dark as everyone had already went home.

And, smiling wickedly back at her in the glass, was Her.

Rachel meet The Girl's gaze, which was cool and dispassionate. "Leave me alone! What do you want from me?"

The Girl smiled even brighter. _Leave you alone? Why would I do such a thing as that? Do you not understand it yet? Hasn't your week, a week of wallowing in your bed with the sheets over your head to try and block out the world and everything that happened, proven to you something?_

Rachel felt tears rise up in her eyes and her wrists suddenly stung. "Yes. That I'm a monster."

The Girl frowned suddenly, looking very displeased at this answer. _No. It is more than that. You are a monster, a cruel abomination that really doesn't deserve this world..._ Her eyes trailed towards the bands that covered Rachel's wrist and She sneered. _But it's difficult to leave the world sometimes, isn't? When you think you have something to keep you here, a something that we both know too well._

Rachel closed her eyes, trying to escape The Girl, but She only appeared in her mind, the same ugly expression upon Her face. With an ache in her throat, she barely answered as it came out a raspy whisper.

"Finn."

_Finn._ The Girl's voice was pleased, an almost purr-like tone to it. _Sweet, naive Finn; the boy who thinks that you are so innocent and pure. Even after what you did to him that infamous night!_ She laughed but it was high and shrill, ringing unnaturally loud in Rachel's head. _But you could beat him until he was practically dead and he would still come back, whining and begging like a mutt. I can't believe that he is that stupid; you certainly know how to pick them._

Rachel's eyes opened and she glared at the glass window, a sudden fury emanating inside of her as she did. She could handle being a monster and listening to Her taunts, but how dare She bring down Finn, how dare She even think of disrespecting him. "Never speak like that about Finn again, he will be better than either of us can be. Better than this whole town!"

She raised an eyebrow. _Ah, but who is this 'us,' Rachel? I only see you._

"It isn't just me," Rachel said furiously. "There is you, as well!" Her last words rang loudly in the hallways, but no one answered, nor was there The Girl in the window.

Only her reflection, looking angry and damaged; broken beyond repair, Rachel could barely recognize herself.

Rachel went numb, falling to her knees as the corridor spun and her legs wouldn't hold her weight anymore. She felt roll after roll of nausea hit her, but nothing came out except the bitter taste of bile. It made sense, she thought dully, she hadn't anything proper to eat for at least a week. A stinging sense of failure hit her as the last week slowly went by her eyes, forcing her to visual everything that had happened again.

Leaving Finn's house, the black vehicle almost running her over, the rape, the mask, the lies, the drinking, the scandalous outfit, the scratches...

"Stop." Rachel begged to herself, but the pictures came faster now, cruelly torturing her as they reminded her of every pain she had felt.

Laying in bed, staring vacantly at the ceiling and wishing for the end.

Crying silently to herself as she heard Finn practically breaking down the door in his attempt to meet with her, wishing for nothing more than to run down and cradle in his arms but, at the same time, not able to meet his loving gaze without feeling trembles of terror.

Staring in the mirror and meeting the eyes of Her, she wattled away all her virtues and highlighted the dark with the words of The Girl always whispering hauntingly in her ears.

The breaking point. The knife. The attempt.

Rachel shook her head, trying to banish the tears that persistently appeared in her eyes even if she wanted to wipe them away forever. It seemed like all she had done was cry; cry for her old life, cry because of the pain, cry for what she had lost. But she was supposed to be cold and demeaning, like a monster, and wasn't supposed to cry. She wasn't supposed to have run from Finn, she should have taken a stand and glared at him with cool nonchalance. There was so much that she was doing wrong, she thought to herself.

Rising to her feet, Rachel swiftly brought herself back under control. Years of performing made it easy, but the old custom brought back memories of all the times she had done it before. Her eyes smarted. Cursing, she forced the stupid images away and brought herself into where she was now, the person she wanted to be. The Monster.

Rachel, once content with her cool demeanor and face that gave nothing away, walked out of the school. The bitter air hit her but she simply shrugged it away, not bothering with such feeble feelings like cold or pain. They were nothing, she was nothing - the whole fucking world meant nothing, Rachel thought to herself grimly. It was bleak and ugly; trees rose to only be cut down, flowers bloomed beautifully to then wilt, realizing hopes and dreams to find them merely lies, and some children, handsome and pretty, were only born to reap destruction and sadness, or to crumble and die in their own despairs.

_Just like Jesse and just like me..._

The single mention of Jesse made her stumble, his face appearing before her face as vivid as if he had been there in front of her, a dark twinkle in his blue eyes and his stance pleased and calm. His voice taunted her in her mind, speaking of things that she wanted - that she wanted_ him_! That she begged for it, deserved it, would be happy after it. She hated him with every fiber of being, a pounding rage that cloaked her vision in red and wanted her to lose control.

It was an understatement to say that she only wanted to hurt him as she wanted him dead. She wanted him to feel how she felt to be completely destroyed and disgraced, to lose everything that had once held her together and made her _Rachel_. The beast, the monster, wanted to be set free and show him what he had created, to see the horror and pain fill his eyes until they popped with despair and the need for the end.

A sudden pain brought Rachel back until reality, not realizing that she had been standing still in the middle of football field with her hand pressed tightly around the other arm's wrist. She instantly let go, a sense of horror dawning on her as her previous thoughts echoed in her head and a small trickle of blood, bright and cheery upon her olive skin, beaded from under her left wristband. The sight wasn't nearly as revolting as her thoughts, nor did it compare to the feeling of need to hurt Jesse that dominated her whole body and mind when she even began to think about it.

She didn't want to cause physical pain, Rachel tried to tell herself, and she only wanted to be left alone, to have the free reign to live the ruined life that she was forced to tread. A life that was now leading her across the yellow and brown field of grass to the small shelter under the bleachers.

The home of the Skanks.

Rachel had only been there once before when she tried to enlist Quinn back into the glee club, and she never thought that she would be walking into it on her own free-will. The smell of smoke and body odor was heavy in the air and her thick boots snapped the glass that littered the dead grass like sparkling diamonds, a cold and dirty beauty among the grey. It was possibly the lowest of the low at McKinley, even below Glee, and Rachel knew that this was it - this was where she was belonged.

Ignoring the girls who gave her dirty glares and yellow-teethed smirks, Rachel placed herself upon a broken chair that they had dragged somehow into school grounds. The acrid smell of smoke clouded it and ash layered it like a second covering, but she didn't care. It meant nothing as it was nothing, just like the Skanks, and, now, just like her. She finally felt like she belonged.

Which was when, of course, she heard footsteps approach, but she didn't bother glancing up as she tried to get comfortable and, if possible, stay there until she just died. She didn't care whom it was, as long as they left her alone in peace and to the sweet thoughts of oblivion, of nothingness.

"You're that Berry chick right?" A raspy voice asked and Rachel glared at the person with a look of annoyance. The girl, a wispy freshman with her hair held up in a sloppily-done ponytail and black make-up staining half her face, only raised an eyebrow and sniggered. "Is that the best look you can bring, runt? Because my pooch has a fiercer bitch-look than that, and she's a Pomeranian."

"Just leave me alone." Rachel said, her face getting red at the comment but making sure to keep her eyes cold.

"Nah, I thought you would like some company and you smell nice, especially compared to that barrel-of-lard Bianca over there." The girl said while grabbing a seat and placing it next to Rachel. Straddling it, she peered at the tiny girl under bangs that Rachel just noticed were stripped with red highlights. "The name's Ray, Marigold Ray, but I would literally rip off your breast if you dared call me that."

"Rachel Berry," Rachel grudgingly returned, trying to keep the speaking to a minimal so the girl would just leave her alone but the Skank gave no sign of leaving soon. "Do you want something? I have no money or jewel-"

"Bitch, please!" Ray snorted with a laugh, revealing a shiny piercing on her tongue. "Just because I dress and talk like this, doesn't mean I'm some hoodlum that gets-off by stealing and sticking needles in my arms." Her eyes flicked over Rachel, summing her up with a single look. "And you defiantly don't seem like the type to be here among the nasty, the bad, and the ugly. Something happen?"

"Why do you care?" asked Rachel furiously, her words coming out like a growl that even surprised her. But the Skank only grinned.

"Atta girl! That is more like it, 'twas certainly a better try," Ray said, sounding proud of Rachel as if she had told her to do it on purpose. "And why do I care? Pah, I haven't cared since I entered this shit of a school where, just because I liked red highlights and black clothing, was labeled a witch and a freak. So, runt, I don't but that doesn't mean I don't have two ears to listen and an open mind. So, spill or I'll get my pom. Why ya here?"

Rachel was peeved at the girl before her, especially as her humorous tone and open personality made her self-consciously relax. What would it hurt, she suddenly asked herself. She is just a nothing like me, who would she tell and, more importantly, who would actually listen? The thought was mean but it didn't make it any less true; so, Rachel found herself saying, "Because I had no other place to run to."

"Why you running? What from?" Ray knocked her head, still staring at her openly without a flicker of glancing away.

Rachel hesitated. "My life, my past, but, more recently, my boyfriend."

"Who's your boyfriend?"

"Finn Hudson."

Ray's jaw dropped with disbelief and gave Rachel a look of disbelief. "Bitch, what is wrong with you! That boy is one of the finest guys strutting his stuff in this dump and doesn't seem to be the basic lug we usually have roaming this dreary school. How, in bloody hell, do you run away from that?"

Rachel bowed her head, a terrible aching appearing in her throat but she swallowed it away. "Because he reminds me of who I used to be and he loves that girl, not me."

Ray suddenly lost her judging expression and her facial expression changed into one of concern. "Rachel, let me tell you something. No matter what happens, no matter how hard life gets, no matter what people say - you'll always be you. You can act like you changed, be someone you aren't, but you will always stay there. I found that out by myself as I tried to change myself by dying my hair a pure brown and wearing bright colors, and I thought it worked. I was actually kind of liking the new me."

"What happened?"

"I found a pentagram scratched into the door of my locker and the words 'Never suffer a witch to live' written on the inside with red paint." Ray stated grimly, only giving the briefest of sneers at Rachel's gasp of horror. "I'm guessing they thought to scare me into believing 'twas something more than paint, like blood, but it reeked of it and like anyone would have the balls to really put blood in a school?"

The Skank shook her head. "The point is that I realized that I can't hide from whom I am as 'twould only cause pain. So I got the highlights back, put on the old clothes, and even put on some ugly make-up, and you know what? I never felt more better about myself, because I wasn't being a complete princess that I thought other people wanted to see."

Rachel closed her eyes and felt a single tear roll down her cheek, unable to understand the twisting feeling that was erupting in her stomach. She wanted to believe Ray's words but she couldn't, the pain was just too much and too potent. It was unraveling everything that she had thought she understood and was forcing her to face that horrible question: _Could she really go back?_

Terrified, Rachel immediately stood up and coughed as she inhaled a large puff of ash that came from the chair. Ray, also getting to her feet, waved away the cloud and only said, "Rachel, please, listen to my words. Don't wait for your sign to realize the truth, because, by then, it just might be too late."

Rachel, once she finally got the foul ash out of her mouth, was about to retort with a hurtful barb when she heard someone scream her name. Turning around, she was suddenly face to face with Finn, who was looking angry and practically shaking as he stared down at her with his intense brown eyes.

Rachel was rocked by the look. He was furious...at her! The whole week he had been nothing but caring and now suddenly he was mad? It made her feel scared - scared at what he was going to do. But she found herself keeping a calm and collected expression, her eyes flickering over him uninterested. "Hello, Finn. Need something?"

"Yeah, I need to know why you are here?" Finn demanded, his eyes not leaving her face as her stared determined at her.

"What is it to you! Are you suddenly my fathers all of a sudden?" Rachel scoffed, preparing to toss her hair back as she usually she did before she realized that her hair was too short now. It left her feeling suddenly deflated. "And why should you care?"

"Oh, I don't know!" Finn raged. "How about that you are my girlfriend? That I love and care for you?"

His tone was angry but she could hear a small whine it, begging her to just tell him. Tell him what happened, tell him what was wrong. She was tempted but if he knew...he would never look at her the same, touch her the same, love her the same.

_That is because you will never be the same..._

"What are feelings when you are dead..." Rachel muttered, hoping that Finn would be disgusted at the idea and just leave. Instead, his face set into a determined expression and he suddenly grabbed her around the waist and threw her small form over one shoulder, like a child. Blinking, startled, she screamed, "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"I am not going to allow you to do this to yourself, I am not going to allow you to suffer!" Finn answered, turning away from the Skanks and walking towards the parking lot, keeping a firm hold on Rachel's legs. "I won't just sit and watch you ruin your life and everything that you worked so hard for."

Helpless, Rachel tried to escape his grasp but only managed to raise her head and meet the gaze of Ray.

The girl grinned and, cupping her hands around her mouth, yelled, "Remember what I said, Rachel! Don't let someone else make you change...or make you dump him! But if you do, give me his number - he has a nice ass!" She winked to show she was joking, then disappeared under the bleachers once again.

"I don't know who she is, but that girl is right." said Finn. "I mean, well - about some things. You can't make something change you so much, especially into someone you aren't."

"Let me down, Finn!" Rachel cried, ignoring his words and was about to strike his back when she suddenly had a flash of his bare back lined with scratches, so she just flopped still. "Let me down or I swear I'll -"

"You can't threaten me, Rach, it won't work," interrupted Finn as he came to his truck, opening the passenger door and throwing her, safely but not exactly gentle, into the seat then slammed the door shut. By the time she was sitting upright, Finn was in the driver's seat and a loud click went through the truck as he hit the electric locks. "And you're not leaving this truck without telling me what is wrong. I am _adalent_ on this."

"Adamant." Rachel automatically corrected, a smile creeping upon her face. Then she froze, a sudden feeling of loss downing upon her. The gesture, simple as it was, had always been something between her and Finn - a sign of her old life. It was surprising how much it made her ache, to want the old life that looked so easy and beautiful now. A life that she vowed never to go to again...

Rolling her eyes at him and shutting down those thoughts, she put her hand to the handle of the truck. "You do know most vehicles have those nice, little locks that you can use manually to unlock and lock your vehicle."

Rachel's eyes widened in disbelief as she found none.

"And my vehicle is a piece of shit and I didn't have enough cash to put one in, but I did get electronic locks." Finn said smugly as she directed at him a glare of annoyance. "And that door can only be unlocked on my side so - you're stuck."

"That is kidnapping."

"Who is going to declare you missing? Your parents who aren't coming back until Sunday, which is still two days away. And it's the weekends so no one will miss you at school." Finn stated the facts, making Rachel's ire grow. "Again, you're stuck."

"Just let me go! I don't want to be here!" Rachel screamed, the sound exploding loudly in the small truck.

Finn didn't even flinch, only crossing his arms and relaxing against the door, his eyes seeking hers but she didn't meet his. "I don't want to be here but I'm not going to allow you to feel sorry for yourself and deal with this by yourself. I know from watching Quinn that sometimes people can' t handle things by themselves, so I'm going to be here for you...no matter what, Rach. But I can't do that unless you tell me what is wrong, so we're stuck here until you do."

Rachel looked away from his face, her eyes falling upon the small trigger that would unlock her door. She had no idea what Quinn really had to do with this but she did know that button was her way out. If she lunged at it, Finn would certainly block her. A sudden thought hit her and she cringed inwardly at its deceitfulness, but she knew it would be something that She would do.

Leaning in close to Finn and thrusting out her chest, Rachel smiled and said, "If we are stuck here, as you say, we can at least make it enjoyable."

Finn's eyes sparked with sudden lust, smoldering with his need, and his gaze glanced down at her breasts. Grinning at the simplicity, she pressed her body against his and ran her hands through his hair, tugging his face to meet her lips. He was hers! She laughed inwardly and was surprised when he suddenly stopped and, with their lips barely an inch apart, whispered, "No..."

Rachel moved back like she was struck, his denial crippling as she stared disbelieving at him with her hands still in his hair. "What do you mean by _no_?"

Finn, breathing hard, grabbed her arms and gently pulled them away from his hair. "You wouldn't act this way if you wanted something before this week. I know you, Rachel, you were going for the door..." He paused, still holding her arms in his large hands, his warmth reminding her of how cold she really felt inside. "You scream, you beg, you holler - but you never do this!"

Rachel, his words hitting her hard and true, glared as arguing seemed the only solution now. "Are you calling me a slut now?"

Finn's eyes widened in disbelief and horror. "No! You never could be a slut-"

"Don't touch me!" Rachel cried, trying to pull away from Finn's grasp and only succeeding to slide his hands to her wrists. Pain lacerated through her and she let out a small shriek.

Finn's face, desperate and fearful, grabbed her left arm with one hand and with the other tugged off the wristband.

There, on the underside of her wrist, lay a thin, but deep, cut that was bleeding from the vessels in her wrist.

His face went pale, deathly pale, and he opened his mouth to speak but nothing but little gasps came out. His eyes shone with water and his hand on her arm shook, but he never let go nor did he move his gaze away. Eventually, he asked so softly that Rachel wasn't even sure that he had said it all, "Why?"

Rachel shattered. She had tried to keep everything together for a week, going through so much to keep her life somehow intact. She tried to hide the pain and everything that happened, but it only made her feel suffocated and cold to the core. Then she tried to accept it all; to simply go on without telling anyone - to become the monster that she had seen in herself. It may have worked, Rachel thought, but Finn wouldn't allow it and she found herself feeling somewhat relieved at the idea. That he would still care about her to take action...but he still didn't know and that was breaking him inside

Suddenly, without thought, she answered.

"Because I was raped..."

**Please, review! I love hearing what everyone has to say and remember - no reviews are discouraged!**


	9. Love Comforts All Woes

**Salvete! ****Just wanted to say: I have the nicest reviewers ever! ****Really, you are! Thank you so much for reviewing, it really means a lot to me! Okay, enough of me, onto Finchel!**

**Disclaimer: I sadly own nothing...**

9) Love Comforts All Woes

The world went completely silent. His breathing stopped, his heart slowed, his thoughts died. His insides were hollow, all emotions and feelings gone as a sudden cold permeated the warm air of the truck. His truck and the parking lot vanished as his attention was fully upon Rachel. The brunette was crying, but she didn't let out a sob or make a move to take the next step. She was waiting for him, to see what he would say and do.

_Because I was raped..._

Finn didn't know what to do, Rachel's words ringing loudly in his head. His first thought was to say sorry for what happened, but how could he say something so minimal to being raped? Anything he would say wouldn't be good enough - not for this sort of situation. He never felt more powerless as Rachel continued to stare ever on, a desperate light appearing in her shining eyes. His silence was killing her but he felt helpless, what was he supposed to say!

_**Rape.**_

Finn wanted to scream. Rape wasn't something that happened to people you know. It was like murder, it was only shown in the news and those numerous crime shows on TV. It wasn't supposed to happen to regular and decent people, and he couldn't understand why it would even be possible that it should fall upon Rachel. She was a good and decent person, she didn't deserve this sort of pain - no one did. Rachel suddenly looked away, her silence breaking as she sobbed and her body shook with the ripples of sorrow. Finn realized he was acting exactly how she feared he would and his brain exploded with thoughts of what to say, what to do. None of them were good enough, so he let his heart take over - it seemed to always have the better ideas anyway.

"Rachel?" He asked softly, his voice soothing. The girl turned slowly to face him, warm tears streaking through the black makeup on her face and leaving gray lines. Her eyes were wide and wavered with water, looking helpless and pathetic. Fear was apparent in her gaze, terrified of what he was about to say.

He said nothing. Finn just reached over and, wrapping his arms around her shaking form, pulled her over the truck's console and set her in his lap. She was surprised by his actions, but then she broke down and laid her head upon his chest, tears still racking her form. He kept his arms around her and rested his cheek upon her short hair, wishing that his body would warm and sooth her - she felt dreadfully cold. There didn't seem to be anything more that he could do at the moment but let her lie against him and cry, knowing that he still loved her as much as he did before.

Rachel, her hands clutching at his shirt as she pressed against him, cried.

Finn hated what he was seeing - Rachel Berry, the never-dimmed light of a star, was broken. He had never in a whole two years seen her this clingy or desperate for someone to comfort her. Closing his eyes, he guessed that this was something far more traumatizing than having eggs drown your head or not getting a solo. This was something huge compared to the minuscule problems that Finn used to see as important...now he didn't care.

He just wanted to help Rachel, to make her happy and her old self again. To have her smile at him as he approached her in the halls or whenever he passed by, to have her chat merrily about a new song or one the that she had found, hell, he would even enjoy it if she wanted to bring up that annoying future conversation. He just wanted Rachel to be Rachel again, not this Girl person - whomever the heck that was.

A sudden rage filled Finn up as a new thought dawned in his head. His hands tightened firmly around his girlfriend and he had to bite his lip from screaming out. Eyes flaring with a burning rage and jaw set, he realized that someone had to have done this to Rachel. Someone had made her this way, tearing away all that was Rachel and leaving her an empty example of what she used to be.

_Someone had taken Rachel away from Finn.._.

His anger was reaching a boiling point in him, barely able to hold Rachel without shaking. He wanted to punch, scream, and kick - he wanted to cause pain against the ass that did this. He wanted that man dead, he realized as he looked into his side mirror. His eyes were determined and glowing with the fury he felt inside, his emotions getting a hold of him, but a tiny part was horrified. How could he even think of doing such a thing to another person?

Because that bastard did this to Rachel! The answer was simple and the tiny part of him was snuffed out in his rage. Tears appeared in his own eyes and he didn't care as they slid down his face unchecked. They were tears for Rachel and she deserved them more than anyone else in his life - in the whole world.  
>She was his everything, Finn thought, and he would do anything - everything - to make her better again. A promise that he intended to keep until the end of his days.<p>

"I'm sorry, Finn." The tall boy almost jumped as Rachel suddenly spoke, her voice sounding muffled and coarse as she kept her face pressed up against him still. "I didn't want any of this to happen...I didn't want you to know - this was never supposed to have affected us."

Her words quenched the anger in his body a little, but they also hit him hard. She didn't want him to know because she thought it might affect their relationship? Finn agreed grimly that it was true, but not the way that she expected. It had made him love her more, to admire her as the beauty that she used to be and still was. He realized, looking back at what had just happened, that she had never been stronger in her life than at that moment; confessing to him had been probably the hardest thing she had ever done, to finally admit that she was raped - Finn watched too many reruns of Law & Order and CSI to know that people who were raped usually never admitted it.

"Rachel," He repeated her name and she looked up slowly at him, her eyes seeking his immediately. He hoped that all she could see was the warmth of his love shining back at her. "I love you, and I never want you to think that you can't tell me something. No matter how stupid or how dramatic, I will never leave you. I may get angry or sad, or even possibly take it the whole wrong way as I do a lot, but I will never leave you. I will stand by you and protect you."

Rachel was still for a moment, still crying, then she suddenly threw her arms around his neck and clutched at his head. "I should have told you, I should have listened. I am so sorry, Finn. I love you more than I possibly thought I could ever love a person."

He hugged her back, placing his face in her hair - and getting a giant whiff of smoke. Coughing, he pulled back and said, "You smell like smoke, horrible." Finn suddenly felt terrible then as he had said something so stupid and unimportant in light of the situation, but Rachel smiled slightly.

"I know, that chair was emphysema waiting to happen," sighed Rachel, not moving away from her spot on his lap. "I don't know what I was thinking when I went to the Skanks, still can't believe that I would even do it." Her eyes meet his again and she smiled appreciatively. "Thank you, Finn."

Finn couldn't help but to grin back as he realized, that for the first time in a week, Rachel had actually smiled and meant it. "I'll always have your front."

"Back - it's I will always have your back."

Finn winked slyly. "I like your front better."

Rachel scoffed and slid back into the passenger's seat, a shadowed look falling upon her face as she left his body. She shivered, but put a smile on her face even though Finn could easily tell that it was forced. "Boys will be boys. Can I get a drive home...I kind of walked here."

His eyebrows shot up as he turned the keys in the ignition, "You walked? It's like a mile from here to your house?" His tone was disbelieving and he hated it the instant he said it but he was worried about her - she wasn't wearing a jacket and a mile is a long time to walk in the cool weather.

"I really never felt the cold..." Rachel said, stumbling over the words and blushing slightly. Clearing her throat and looking out the window, her face away from him, added, "I never really felt warm since Saturday."

Finn froze for a moment and asked in a hollow voice, "So...it happened Saturday?"

"Yes," answered Rachel dully, still not looking at him as he started to drive his truck out of the parking lot. "It was right after I left your house...in the park."

Finn's mind whirled, slowly putting in each piece of the missing puzzle. Feeling awkward, he said, "Did you see his face or anything-"

"No! I didn't see him - do you want every little detail of how it happened?" Rachel snapped back to him, her eyes burning with anger and despair. Finn flinched at the look. It was like she was a completely different person than the girl he was just holding so tight a few moments before. Her expression was dark, seeking to throw mean and sardonic comments back to defend herself from revealing the truth.

It hit him hard as Finn realized that he was finally seeing what Rachel had meant by _Her_...

"No," Finn started slowly, his attention switching between the road and Rachel. "But, Rach, I just want to understand, which is something that I can't do if I don't know anything about what happened to you."

"I was raped, what more is there to understand?" She asked bitterly while staring at her hands in her lap. Her left wrist had stopped bleeding but the blood had dried and caked the underside, a stark contrast on her pale skin. The sight of it had made him feel so powerless and desperate, unable to comprehend why she would even think of attempting something like that...why would she even try and leave him?

Clearing his throat and the disturbing thoughts from his mind, he continued. "I want to understand why you did this to yourself, why you cut your hair, why you are changing into someone that you hate as much as everyone else." He reached out with one hand and took her own in his, again reminded of how cold she was. "I want to understand so we can take the steps to get you better - to be the old Rachel Barbra Berry again. I love you and I know I said that a lot already, but I just want you to know."

The shadow fell off Rachel's expression, making her look sad and lost. Her hand tightened painfully on his. "I don't know if she will ever be back, Finn...she might be lost forever."

Finn took a breath and gave her a reassuring smile. "Then we'll just be trying for forever then! I mean, it can't be that long as everyone seems, right?" He was trying to lift her spirits up but she only shrugged, her eyes sad.

"Long enough..."

Finn sighed, hating that he couldn't do more - didn't know how to do more. Every time he seemed to reach out towards Rachel, she would block with him with another shield of coldness and despair. Mentally reasoning with himself, he noted that it had only been a week since it happened. A week seemed very small compared to the amount of time that Rachel would have to deal with this: a lifetime.

He didn't know how exactly or when he came up with the plan, but he drove them to his house. Rachel's expression was confused as he stopped the vehicle and put it into park on the side of the road. "I thought you were driving me home?"

"I am. I mean, I will," Finn answered, clenching his hand once on hers before pulling it away. "I'm not leaving you home alone this weekend, so I'll have to get some clothes and stuff."

Rachel looked startled at his words then flushed slightly, shaking her head as she said, "You don't have to do that-"

"Yes, I do," Finn interrupted, feeling stern as he stared down at her. "I wouldn't be doing my part as your boyfriend if I let you be by yourself...and I felt like we haven't really spent that much time together these last couple of days." He turned away for a second, holding back the tears that suddenly sprouted in his eyes. When he looked back, they were still there but he didn't care - he wanted her to know how he truly felt. "Truthfully, I missed you."

The petite girl stared back at him, trembling with her own tears. "Oh, Finn."

Her tone made him feel awkward, like when you give someone a small gift and they act like you gave them a diamond ring, their eyes shining with their admiration and thanks. Shrugging, he leaned over and gave her a swift kiss on the cheek before saying, "I'll be right back, give me a few minutes."

Finn ran into the house, cursing as his key wouldn't work in the stubborn lock. The rest of the family was out but he knew that they would be home soon, or at least Kurt would. And the moment that boy saw Rachel, he would want an explanation - something that Finn wouldn't be able to tell him. Rachel didn't make him swear not to tell anyone what happened, but he wasn't going to go blab it to the world. It was only something that Rachel could do and on her own terms.

It only took him a few minutes to empty his backpack and throw clean pairs of clothes into it, all the time trying to figure out everything with Rachel. Going to her house was defiantly the next step, but then what? He barely knew how to take care of his own problems, how was he supposed to consul a girl who was raped? The only thing he did know was that Rachel needed someone - needed him, which was obvious in the way that she had clung to him.

But Finn realized that wouldn't be enough, not even close enough. A heavy hopelessness fell over him, reminding him that he was out of his league and that he had no idea what the hell he was doing. He hated the feeling and he had to resist throwing his backpack at the wall, knowing full well how he could get when he let his emotions take over. It just was all unfair! This was not supposed to happen! What had Rachel done to deserve this, why her? She did nothing wrong, Finn protested as he felt tears swim his vision, she didn't deserve this sort of hell!

A horrible aching of pity for Rachel ripped through his chest and he had to sit down, dropping his head into his hands. He was aware that she was still waiting for him in the truck but he couldn't move - he was terrified. What was going to happen next? How were they supposed to deal with this? And what if, when trying to help Rachel out, it just made her worse? He was only a stupid and naive senior who was scared to take his own step into the world...how could he help Rachel?

Finn closed his eyes as a horrible thought erupted in his head. It made him sick for even realizing it, unable to believe he would even consider it an idea. But it was the easy way out, the most simple of all the paths before him. Something that he had always done before: leaving glee club when he couldn't stand to the sight of Quinn and Puck in sophomore year; picking football over singing because he feared that his reputation would fall; breaking up with Rachel because he couldn't look at her without thinking of her kissing Puck. The easy way was obvious now.

_You could always dump Rachel..._

"No...," Finn said aloud to his empty room, wiping away his tears as he stood up. He was tired of taking the easy way out, tired of not doing things because he feared what people would think or do to him. Rachel had once said that he was leader, that people followed him and looked to him for support. His hands clenched into fists. A leader was supposed to protect and aid, not run away from their problems like a child.

Shouldering his backpack, he left his room and all thoughts that he would not be able to help his girlfriend. For, one way or another, he would return Rachel back into Rach, and they would be happy again.

After he had scribbled out a note saying that he was spending the weekend at Puck's house (he doubted his parents would be cool with him spending an entire weekend at Rachel's house), Finn hurried out to meet Rachel. She had barely moved, except to pull her knees up to her chest and stare vacantly through the window. When Finn sat back in the driver's seat, she turned to face him and he couldn't help but to notice a look of immense relief on her face. "You took awhile...I thought you had changed your mind..."

Finn felt a rush of guilt but forced his face to smile at her and he kissed her on the forehead. "I will never leave you, not again." He turned the key and took hold of her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "Now, let's get you home so you can take a shower. You're making my truck smell like an ashtray."

A hint of a smile turned on Rachel's face as she stared down at his hand, rubbing the back of it slightly with her small thumb.

Finn couldn't help to smile a crooked grin.

She had smiled.

It was a step!

**I think this is like the only chapter that actually seems to have a little bit of a hopeful ending to it...I liked it, I should do it more often! Anyway, hope you enjoyed and will review! Until next chapter, Valvete! **


	10. Looking Ahead

**AN: Ugh! Really sorry about the wait, it has been a very hectic week and it's only about to get worse. I'll probably only be able to update about once a week from now, but I am not giving up! I won't let my busy schedule stop me from writing! Good news though, I finally figured out how to end this story! I was inspired by the last episode of Glee (WATCH IT! IT'S AMAZING!). But I am thinking of making a book two, but undecided as of now. Anyway, enough of me.**

10) Looking Ahead

It couldn't be real.

This feeling that was slowly starting to appear inside of her, she didn't want to believe it. It was tempting her, soothingly and mockingly at the same time. Rachel didn't want to believe in it, she didn't want it to blossom and bloom only to wither and die. She couldn't handle another downfall, but the feeling only grew brighter as she tried to ignore it and push it away.

Hope.

Her whole life had seemed so bleak and grey since it happened but something was slowly awakening again. The colors were starting to appear one by one as Finn drove them to her house; the sky becoming a lovely shade of blue, the sun a bright beacon of white and orange, homes of all different colors seemed to pop. It was all something that she really hadn't taken that much notice of before, taking the world and its beauty for granted.

_Ha! For granted? No, you did so much more than that, my dear._ Her voice resonated suddenly in Rachel's head, forcing the small flicker of hope back into the pool of doubt. _You were completely unaware of everything around you! You were stuck in a world of your dreams, your ideas, your way. A world of you, which Jesse gave you! Don't you see? All you can think about is your woes, your problems, yourself - he gave you exactly what you wanted!_

No, Rachel protested internally. She was tired of the voice and its dark whispers that tormented her, shoving her further down into the emptiness that seemed to be her life. The day before she might have allowed her to do it, but not now. Not when there was hope right in front of her face.

A hope that resembled Finn.

She laughed again, pitying but full of amusement as if she enjoyed Rachel's struggle._ Finn? Your hope is Finn! How pathetic! The boy barely knows how to spell counselor, let alone figure out how to help you. Seriously, Rachel? When will you learn to just give up and accept that part of your life is over; that it will never come back...The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will find where you truly belong._

I belong with Finn, Rachel returned ferociously, giving him a glance out of the side of her eye. He was paying attention to the road, but he had a far-away look to them as if he was thinking about something else. She wouldn't need to guess what he was thing about - her and rape. Was he contemplating what may have happened that morning? Maybe he was pondering what he was going to do next, a question that Rachel was wondering herself.

_He can't do anything!_ She screamed at Rachel, but the petite girl was sick of Her and Her comments.

Go away, I don't want to hear you anymore! Just leave me alone and stop talking about Finn like that!

Silence, then a soft whisper. _You still do not understand, but you will soon._

Rachel shuddered, feeling a rush of cold fall over her and raise the goosebumps on her arms. Her words were haunting, ripping forth another plunge of cold that threatened to overwhelm her. She was tired of the cold, and always seemed to be on the brink of a valley; tottering back and forth between the real world and her bleak despair. She didn't want to fall...but her memories and Her were the weight that was slowly dragging her down.

She felt a hand tighten on her own and she looked over to see Finn looking back at her, a small smile on his face. "You okay?" He must have felt her shiver.

Rachel couldn't speak, so she just nodded and looked down at their entwined fingers. She may have things holding her down but she would at least have Finn to bring her back up, to always keep her from falling into the cold depths. She loved him so much in that instant that for a split moment she forgot everything about Jesse and the rape, and only thought about them - her and Finn.

A smile tugged at her face and she couldn't help but to grin at Finn as he returned his eyes back onto the road, never moving his hand away from hers. A silence fell in the small cabby of the truck, but it wasn't awkward - it was one of peaceful content. They had been together for awhile, even if they weren't dating for some of the months, and could easily detect what the other was thinking without asking. She knew he was bursting with so many questions: what happens now, what will you be like tomorrow or a month from now, should I be worried about you?

Rachel, honestly, couldn't answer those questions because she had no idea herself and his guess wasn't any better than hers. Whatever they were though, they would get through it together - as Finchel.

"So," Finn started, a little smile was placed teasingly on his face. "May I ask, why Skillet? You're usually all Broadway and musicals, and what-not."

"Really? You're asking me that question out of probably hundreds in your head?" Rachel raised an eyebrow but he only nodded and flicked her an amused glance. She sighed and shrugged. "I don't know really, I only had the song on my ITunes because you synced your MP3 onto mine once...and it just seemed right at the time."

"Well...thank you."

Rachel blinked, confused at what he said. "You're thanking me for picking that song? The one where I declared myself a horrid monster?"

Finn laughed as he turned the truck into the Berry's empty driveway, a crooked grin spreading. "Rachel, for being so musically liberal, you think you would know a meaning of a song."

"Musically liberal? Do you mean musically literate?"

"Sure." Finn said, never losing his smile as Rachel corrected him; it wasn't like that was something new. "That song isn't physically about being a monster, it's a plea for help. They see what they have become and don't have the power to change by themselves, so they reach out for others." He wrinkled his brow in thought. "I think Skillet is a Christian band and they probably meant it to be Jesus, but you're Jewish so I'll just have to do."

Rachel's mouth gaped opened, unbelieving as she realized that Finn was actually right. "Finn, I'll never understand you. You don't know the line 'The show must go on,' yet you can understand all of that?"

The tall boy blushed, "Monster is a great song, I listened to it a lot. Come on, let's go inside."

Rachel watched Finn jump out of his truck with ease and throw his bag over one shoulder for a moment, then peered out the passenger's window to look at her house. It used to be so bright with happy memories and laughter, but now it was all clouded with a dark whisper in its center. There she had attempted to kill herself, her wrist aching suddenly as a reminder; there she was almost swallowed by her despair. She didn't want to go back, she wanted to stay in Finn's truck for the rest of her life and keep that small bubble of hope with her always.

But she couldn't, she realized with a sigh. The world and Finn, especially him, wouldn't allow her to just give up. The knife hadn't been sharp enough, and Finn wouldn't accept the fact that she may never be the same again, that his girlfriend would be a totally different person than he once knew. Instead, it brought his caring and compassion, both things that she loved about him, to a new level, a level showing how much Finn loved her.

So, Rachel got out of the truck and ran right into Finn who was seeing what was taking so long. With aloud 'Oof!', she almost fell over but Finn caught her. His arms were around her back and his face was right next to hers, their eyes locking as he chuckled softly. "I thought I was supposed to be the clumsy one?"

Rachel smiled at his response, noting the warmth that sparkled in his cinnamon eyes. "A lot is changing for both of us apparently."

Finn suddenly looked serious as if a new thought ran across his mind. "But one thing will never change - us. We're never going to change, okay? I'll always be here for you." She felt her eyes widen as she realized his words and she couldn't even open her mouth to say anything. To say she was astounded would be an understatement, Finn's promise brought tears to her eyes. He had always been a very undecided person, his wants changing faster than Kurt's wardrobe, like being torn apart between liking Quinn and Rachel in sophomore year. But this...he was so sure. His tone held no wavering, no uncertainty.

Finn didn't wait for her to say anything and just lowered his head to put his lips on hers. Their mouths melded together and Rachel instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck to further the contact, trying to bring his body closer to her. She loved him so much that she could barely imagine what she was thinking when she tried to kill herself, why she would ever leave Finn.

Then Jesse's face popped into her head and she felt a splash of reality strike her in the face. It brought with it the stinging truth and a cold feeling surrounded her, forcing her to break away from Finn's lips. Averting her eyes, she didn't see the look of disappointment flash across his face but she felt it radiate from him like a heater.

"Come on," Finn said gently after a moment and returning her to her feet. "Let's get you cleaned up."

"Okay," said Rachel dimly, trying not to cry as she dug in her pockets for her keys. Wearing pants was an oddity that she still wasn't sure about, but she couldn't risk for people to see. They didn't need to lay their eyes upon the marks that would haunt her for the rest of her life, they shouldn't be bothered by the ghost in her closet. Unlocking the door, she kept one hand upon the knob. Finn shouldn't have to deal with this, they were both too young to deal with this and why should they both have to suffer?

Sniffing and taking a breath, she kept her back to him as she said slowly, "Finn, you don't have to do this. I will only hold you down with my troubles, you shouldn't have to deal with all this trauma when you're only eighteen."

"No one should have to go through this, Rach." She felt him put a hand on her shoulder, clasping her affectionately as he continued. "And, like you said, I'm eighteen. I can make my own decisions and this is mine. To stay with you."

Rachel felt tears sprout in her eyes again, and she wiped them away with one hand as she entered the house and held it open for Finn. Their eyes meet as he stepped in, and she could barely contain herself as she saw the determination shining in his intense gaze. He believed in her so much, that she had the ability to get better. How could he know? How could he when all she felt like was drowning, to just let herself stop trying to stay afloat and let her get swallowed by the cold.

"I-I'm going to take a shower," Rachel said, looking away so he wouldn't see her cry. Ignoring his next words, she ran up the stairs and into the bathroom, slamming the door after her. Flicking the fan and turning the water into cold, she crumpled to the ground and burrowed her head in her hands with sobs shaking her form.

What is wrong with me? She screamed at herself, not understanding anything that was happening to her. One moment she was feeling a shadow of her old-self, then it was gone behind a picture of Jesse or Her, tormenting her with their hissed words and barbs. When she was in that dark mood, all she wanted to do was be alone and cry; to wallow in her own misfortune and destruction. But every time she tried, something or someone got in the way, especially Finn.

Finn.

His very name brought a smile upon her face, unable to comprehend the beauty that came with him. The very moments she meet his eyes she couldn't help but to feel a flicker of hope, that there was something to look forward to - meeting his gaze again, hearing him laugh, talking with him, pressing her body against his and losing herself in his touch. She had him in the future and she couldn't help but to laugh as she suddenly had a mental picture of Finn. He was looking back at her over one shoulder, a crooked grin upon his face as he held out one hand for her to take. A bright light shone behind him, highlighting his form in a brilliant glow.

The perfect symbol for hope, she thought.

Rachel rose from her spot on the floor, changing the shower's water from cold to warm. Finn in her future? That seemed like heaven compared to the nightmare of a week she had been experiencing and she eagerly jumped into the shower after discarding her smoke-stained clothes, the warm water bliss upon her cold skin.

She showered slowly, making sure to clean every part of her body and rubbing efficiently. How could she have been so stupid to allow herself to be exposed to that much smoke and ash? What if she had damaged her voice? Or gotten emphysema or maybe even chronic bronchitis? What would she do if she had damaged her lungs forever?

Rachel blinked. She couldn't believe how..._Rachel_ her thoughts were sounding. Jesse, rape, Her - she wasn't thinking of any of that, she was focusing on her singing. It brought back such a rush of everything that she used to do and think that she almost stumbled, trying to understand how much could of changed in such a small amount of time.

_It only takes one huff to start an addiction. One shot can make your swerve. A single spark may burn a whole forest dow_n.

"And a single person can ruin another life forever," Rachel finished quietly, the words and the tears running down her face lost in the shower.

x

After her shower, she strolled into her room and slowed to a stop as she took in her surroundings, only wearing a towel around her body. It was the same exact room - the bright colors, the trophies and awards on the walls, her bed looking soft and inviting as she was hit with a tug of weariness - she hadn't slept well the last week, her dreams tormented with pale faces and electrifying-blue eyes. It all felt strange as she took in each article with interest, taking the details and letting them soak into her mind.

This was _her_ room, she belonged here. Jesse and Her had no right to be inside, they shouldn't be allowed to torment her when she was in these walls. This was her home, her safe haven, and she never realized how she took that sense of protection for granted. Never again, she vowed, as she memorized every single detail and loved it.

A clunking was heard below, sounding to come from the kitchen and Rachel instantly felt a stab of panic. Then she remembered that Finn was there as well and was probably making himself something to eat, he was a boy - no matter how caring and loving, they always needed to eat. She felt a small shiver of anxiety as she realized that he would have to face him again and he would probably expect some kind of answers to his questions, but she wasn't ready. She barely was able to stand and walk without crying in front of him, how was she supposed to talk about _that_?

You will, she thought to herself as she gained a sense of confidence from her shower and feeling renewed. You will because it is what you need to do, to get better. To become Rachel again, and you'll do this for not only yourself, but for that boy down there as well. He loves you and you owe it to him to at least try.

Striding determinedly into her closet, she flicked the switch and the room was washed in light. She blinked, then did it again, trying to figure if it was her eyes playing tricks on her but the same picture meet her. She smiled, then chuckled, and finally, not able to contain herself, burst out laughing.

xXx

Oh God, she hates me.

Finn knew the idea was ridiculous, but he couldn't help to feel that way as he set out two plates on the Berry's small dining table. She barely seemed able to meet his eyes anymore and it hurt him whenever she turned away, her beautiful brown gaze filled with tears and emotions. She didn't need to feel that way, it wasn't fair for her to deal with that pain that he seemed to cause and the stress of the rape. But he didn't mean to cause that effect, he just wanted to help her so badly that he felt an ache in his own chest.

His grasp tightened on a fork and he had to close his eyes and calm down, or else he would have hurled it through a window. It wasn't fucking fair that Rachel had to go through this and that he couldn't help her, even though he knew that he had to. The reason, not sure when exactly he first came to it, was obvious as he looked back over the last week.

Finn owed it to Rachel to help her because it had all been his fault, he was the reason she was raped. He let her go that morning without anyone else with her, to walk all the way home alone. While he was sleeping and dreaming of the night before, Rachel had been taken advantage of...all while he was sleeping! He shouldn't of allowed her to leave by herself, he could of dropped her off at her house and none of this would never have happened. A building began to rise up in the back of his eyes and he sensed another rush of tears coming.

Suddenly, two thin hands wrapped around his chest and he felt someone lean their head against his back. Instinctively, he brought his own hands upon the ones on his body, caressing the soft skin with his thumbs in small circles. Her shampoo, fruity and perfect for her namesake, drifted around him like a cloud and he couldn't help but to sniff it in. No smoke, no dust - this was how Rachel was supposed to smell.

Unsure of what to say, Finn remained silent and didn't move, allowing himself to enjoy the moment as he knew it had to come to an end eventually.

Rachel broke after a moment, unable to keep silence any longer. "You took all the new clothes from my closet and put the old stuff - the scarves, the skirts, the colorful shirts - back."

"Dressing like you were ready for a goth concert won't help you any, or anyone, to be completely honest," Finn said, a small grin upon his face. "You're not mad, are you?"

"A little, but I appreciate the dramatic flare it has," returned Rachel and he felt her lean up against him and brush her lips against his neck, making him shiver as the thrill of her kiss pumped through his body. "Thank you...did you make food for both of us?"

Finn laughed at her skeptical tone and he turned around, giving her an injured look as he did. "Of course, do you think I would just make food for myself? Only a douche would do that." He paused for a moment as he took her in. With her hair damp, it fell into her face in small clumps and she apparently hadn't tried to make her short hair into something nice, but he didn't care - she was beautiful, no matter her hairstyle. Wearing a simple shirt and sweatpants, she looked ready for a jog but it was better than her outfit before and it suited her.

The petite girl blushed for a moment, looking away slightly as he examined her. "You're staring, Finn."

He grinned and placed a small kiss on her forehead, then brushed past her and into the kitchen. "I'm sorry, I just can't resist. You are so radiant like the sun, I am unable to look away. Sit down, the food is done now."

"What is it?" asked Rachel suspiciously and warily, her eyes narrowing slightly as he brought over a steaming dish to the table.

"Vegetable casserole, and it has everything you like." Finn said, laughing at her expression, openly portraying her confusion and surprise. "Being raised by a single mother, there isn't much bonding time besides doing laundry and cooking, so I learned a few things."

"Better than grilled cheese, I suppose?" joked the young singer as she portioned a bit for herself onto her plate and then some for him. With a sigh, she took up her fork and took a bite. Her eyes widened in surprise and she looked at him with astonishment. "This is really good!"

"Be better with like a pound of hamburger, but it will do." Finn smiled back at her, though inside he felt slightly doubtful of Rachel. She was acting strangely happy and not dampened by anything, acting exactly like how she used to be. Was it just an act to get him to think she was better? The question was horrible and he felt bad for thinking it, but how could he ever know?

"Why ruin such a lovely dish?" She questioned while raising an eyebrow, to which he just shook his head and rolled his eyes.

He pushed a carrot across his plate, trying to gather the courage to tell her something he decided when he was making the food. Not really sure where he got the idea from or how it suddenly dawned on him, but it seemed right. It could be something that would change both of their lives forever, but it would be a good step. One for improvement and a better life.

"Rachel," Finn started, watching as Rachel lifted her head, a look of panic flashing across her eyes. Her eached out and patted the hand on the table before reassuring her, "Don't worry, it isn't that talk...no, I was wondering more if I could talk about my future to you?"

The frantic look vanished and she smiled brightly, looking relieved that the talk wasn't about her for once. "You can talk with me about anything Finn, don't worry."

Finn grasped her hand in hers, his larger hand dominating her much smaller one. He stared at the contact a moment before looking at her. "I want to tell you something but I need you to promise me that you won't interrupt me or say anything until I'm finished, okay?"

"Sure, Finn," Rachel said slowly, confused. She let her fork drop onto her plate and had complete focus on him.

Unsure of how to begin or what exactly to say, he just let out a sigh and started. "I always have been...uncertain of what I wanted to do after high school. At first, I wanted nothing more than a football scholarship to Ohio State. But, lately, I realized that is never something I wanted to do. It's a sport and I don't want my whole life to be dominated by just that - I want something more."

Words spilled out of him like a dam being flung open and the water rushing out with a loud roar. "So, I asked myself what I wanted to do? And I never been more pleased with myself when I knew when I was doing something right and helpful - like helping at Jane's funeral, bringing Sam back into glee club because we all know he loved it as much as all of us, and, just this week, helping you...

"The point is I like to help people and I want to do something good for this world, so everyone will be safe and happy." Finn took a breath, his chest heaving slightly in excitement as Rachel looked back at him with a mixed expression.

"I want to join the Army."

**Hope you enjoyed, and that you will review - I love reviews and find them very appreciative. Until next time, Valete!**


	11. A Nightmare and A Dream

**Yeah...whole every Friday-a-chapter thing didn't work so well with me. I was hit with such a need to write that I had to post this one up! Hope you enjoy and I finally figured how to end this. Though, that is still like three-four chapters off. Hope you read, review, and, the most important, enjoy!**

11) Nightmare And A Dream

Finn expected Rachel to be shocked, in the least, but what he didn't expect was for her to freeze, eyes going rigid. They always had a warmth to them, but now they were ice cold with a fury that rocked the tall boy back slightly. He opened his mouth to ask what was wrong with him going into the Army, but she threw back her chair and stomped towards her room without saying a word or giving him a second glance, her seat crashing to the floor with a loud series of clunks.

He stared at the table for a moment, utterly confused. He thought she would be happy for him because, besides his mom and Burt, she was the biggest one on his case to figure out what he wanted to do with his future. Rachel had always wanted him to follow her to New York, but what was he supposed to do there? He didn't have the talent like Kurt and Rachel to get into NYADA, so what was he going to do? Sit in Rachel's shadow and let her carry him through his life?

No, he was better than that - he _wanted_ to be better than that. Rachel told him that he was a leader once, and he didn't want to be a lackey that just dogged her footsteps looking for tidbits whenever they fell. That didn't mean he didn't want to be with Rachel - far from it - but he wanted to show everyone that he could accomplish something by himself and make them proud of him.

And what was better than joining the Army? His father went into the military and he died a hero, his courage and honor setting a flame of pride in Finn. He was proud of his father and what he had done for his country, for his family. He gave his life so others could live and claim their freedom, never having to face the ugliness of war and misery like some nations were facing overseas. Christopher Hudson was his biggest role-model and there wasn't anyone else (except possibly Rachel) that Finn wanted them to look at him with admiration more; his father smiling down at him with a familiar crooked grin and pride flaring in his eyes that matched Finn's so well.

Didn't Rachel see that? Couldn't she understand that a piece of him was always missing, a void that never seemed to be filled. Maybe following in his father's footsteps would replace that hole inside of his chest and, hopefully, then he could understand what he really wanted to do in his life. Rachel had to understand that, she, more than anyone else in his life, had to know.

"Rach!" He yelled, and ran up the stairs just as she slammed the door to her room and locked it with an audible clicking noise. Stepping softly, he approached her door and put an ear to the wood. He heard the slight creaking of her bed as a weight was pressed down on it and a quiet sob - one filled with sadness and anger. Sighing, he knocked once on the door. "Rach, let me in."

"Why?" Her voice was bitter as she snapped back, Finn almost seeing the glare of reproach she probably gave the door. "So, you could just decide to walk out and leave me alone? Just go away, Finn. I don't want to see you."

"Why the hell not?" Finn returned, confused at her words and tone. "Don't you see? I finally have a plan for once in my crappy life and you're pissed about it? Explain that to me, please, maybe I'll freaking understand what the hell is wrong with you."

The instant he said the words, he regretted them and he felt his flare of anger die down. They were harsh and he had to remind himself that Rachel had been through a great ordeal, she didn't need to be accused. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"Don't lie to me, Finn! I heard the truth in your voice, I knew that it all had to be a lie. It was too good to be true!" Rachel's voice was full of scorn, and her next words came with a very sarcastic tone. "How could I think that you are different than anyone else. You think I'm horrible now, too, and all your promises to not leave and that you'll stay with me forever? Lies! Lies! That is all my life seems to be now, lies and trust shattering under reality's brutal hammer. Just run as you always do and leave me alone."

The tall boy was silent for a moment, allowing her words to soak in completely. Why did she think that all his promises were false? He meant every single one of them with all his heart, and a horrible ache filled him when he found out Rachel didn't think he meant them. Pressing a hand to the door and resting his forehead against the surface, he started.

"Rachel, please listen to me." He paused for a second, and when he didn't hear a sound of complaint, he continued with increased vigor. "Every single word, every promise - I meant it. There is not another person in this world that I could feel the same with, I love you. When I fall asleep at night, you are my last thought, and when I awake I only think of seeing you. Out of everyone in my life, you changed me the most and when you did that...a connection was born. We're tethered, Rach, and nothing could keep us apart. I meant it when I promised I'll never leave you."

Silence, then a creaking and a rush of steps. He barely moved back when the door was thrown open and Rachel looked up at him, surprising him greatly when he noticed the anger in her eyes. "You are the biggest hypocrite in this world, Finnegan Hudson."

Finn frowned while his mind was reeling, this was defiantly not something he was expecting. "I don't even know what that word means, but I am not it!"

"A hypocrite is someone who says something but means something else or intends to do the opposite." Rachel explained, her eyes burning with her anger...and disappoint, and was that hurt? Behind the murderous rage, she looked broken and shattered, lost in her disbelief. "How can you say that you will stay with me when you tell me you're enlisting in the freaking Army?"

He gave her a confused look. "I'm still going to be with you when I join, I wouldn't dump you over that-"

Rachel stomped her foot and shook her head, wet hair flying out around her face. "No, no, no! You promised you would stay with me, and you can't do that when you are thousands of miles fighting in some stupid war or in danger of getting yourself killed. Do you realize that if you enlist, you could be away from me by the summer because of boot camp and the other stupid trainings they do? We would be apart, Finn, we wouldn't be together and I can't stand you leaving me...not now."

Rachel couldn't handle herself anymore and her anger facade faded quickly as she crumpled into his chest, crying. She wrapped her hands in his shirt and pressed herself against him, like she did in his truck. He put his arms around her and hugged her tightly, but he didn't say anything as he tried to understand.

She wasn't worried of them breaking up, she was scared of them being apart. Truthfully, Finn really didn't think of it when he came up with the idea; he always had the impression that Rachel would just be there, like she always was. But she was right, he would be away from her. He wouldn't see her every day, talk to her, hear her laugh, witness her smile, feel her skin under his... And he wasn't sure that he could handle that, but that emptiness inside of him loomed at his feet.

Pressing his face into her hair, Finn only said softly, "Summer is a very long time away and you'll be busy in New York with NYADA...so, maybe, we can both go our own paths for a bit but always remains true to each other. Just because lands and oceans separate us doesn't mean we have to separate as a couple; we will always be together, no matter what."

Rachel sniffed, rubbing her face into his polo. "I-I'm so...selfish!" She pushed herself away, and walked back into her room. Moving away from him with her back turned and arms wrapped tightly around her body, she padded softly to the window. "Why can I only think of myself? Even now, when we should be talking about your future, I can only contemplate my life - what is going to affect me? I shouldn't be yelling at you, I should be encouraging you and saying that I'm proud of your actions."

She sighed and turned to face him, a watery smile upon her sad face. "But in my heart, I can't. I'll support you in whatever decision you make, no matter how much I hate it or dislike it, because that is what I should do. You're my boyfriend, and I'll stand by you with whatever you decide to do."

Finn's eyes watered, realizing how difficult that had to be for Rachel to say and he pulled her into a hug, crushing her body against his. "I love you so much, do you know that, I love you, Rachel Berry. And I can't imagine a life without you being by my side, even if you're not actually, you know, like there."

"And, I love you, Finn Hudson, and I could never imagine what I would do without you," She returned, muffled as her face was pressed up against his chest. They stayed like that for a moment, both content in holding each other and listening to other's heartbeats and breathing, but finally Finn pulled away and looked down at her with a shaky smile.

"So, what now?"

Rachel looked up into his face, her eyes still a little misty, but she only returned his smile with one of her own and asked, "Any chance of there being more casserole?"

xXx

Rachel shot up in bed, her eyes flashing wildly and her hands clawing the sheets around her, trying to get them around her, but there was nothing to cling to. She wasn't even in bed, she realized dully, as she swept her gaze around her surroundings. Instead of her bright bedroom, she was in a field with gravestones rising from the ground silently, their presence making a cold shiver run down her back. She must be in a graveyard, she thought to herself as she stood up on shaking legs, but she had no idea on where it was.

Without any reason, she walked up to the nearest gravestone, its letters barely legible due to the elements and age. But squinting and brushing a few flecks of dust off, she read: **Sergeant Lee Tophan, 1901 - 1944**. Not knowing whom that even was, she continued to the next stone and the next, reading each of the names but recognizing none. She really had no idea why she was even doing it, but it felt right even as a slow depression was slowly suffocating her; each step like plunging into a pool of mud, her strides getting slower and more difficult to manage.

Eventually, Rachel approached a grave at the end of a row, the dread flaring to such a level that she could barely breath. She didn't stop though and she examined the stone with interest. It wasn't like the others, it looked bright and new with the letters shining in the sunlight, as if trying to get her attention.

** Finnegan Hudson**  
><strong> 1994-2013<strong>  
><strong> A boy who died for the people he loved.<strong>

Horror, cold and prickling, ran through Rachel's entire form and she couldn't stop reading the message. The words were imprinted fiercely into her mind, echoing cruelly as she backed away from the grave. Her heart was beating fiercely, mind rushing, and her mouth opening in a constant string of denials. "No, this can't be. Not Finn, not him. No, he can't _die_."

"Rach? Babe?"

Spinning around with disbelief, her mind trying to reject the voice - the voice that was so familiar to her, one that she never tired of listening to. The voice's owner however was supposed to be in the grave that lay at her feet, whose message glowed like a beacon in her mind. But there was Finn, his hair short and cropped close to his head, but the same glowing cinnamon eyes were there and his crooked grin. She laughed, it had to be a joke and she rushed forward to give him a hug.

Then she noticed the hole in his chest and the blood flowing freely from it, staining his Army clothes a horrid brown. Her body stopped at the sight, unable to comprehend how she was feeling as she lifted her head and examined Finn again. This time she noticed how pale he looked and how his hair was a dull color, his lips flaking as he titled his head to look at her. He held out one hand, stained dark red with his own blood.

"We'll always be together, Rachel." His voice wasn't his anymore, now it was hollow and rough, no life or emotion emanating from it. He took a step forward, but Rachel took one backwards, staring unbelieving at Finn. A high shriek of laughter tore from the figure that was now resembling a corpse instead of Finn, the flesh dissolving away and the hair falling out in small clumps. "_Together forever_, Rachel."

"NO! Not like this!" She screamed, the sound amplified loudly as a sudden wind flared, dark clouds replacing the sun and a bitter cold appearing in the air. Trying to turn away, Rachel tripped over something and fell to her knees. She tried to throw out her hands to stop her fall, but they only got caught in a pile of leaves and she crashed to the woods' floor.

Woods? She frantically looked around, but the graveyard was gone and trees rose up around her, looking cold and eerie in the gray day. She didn't need to think about where she was, she knew exactly. The park, the place where it all began. A place of destruction and nightmares, where her whole life was thrown around by one single event.

Rachel shivered and she slowly got to get feet, noticing as she did that there was an odd scent in the air and clumps of white and gray falling from the sky. Holding a hand out, she caught a piece and looked at it. It wasn't snow, as guessed, but ash and the smell was smoke, she realized. No sooner did she think it, when fire, roaring with intensity and heat, rose from the ground and raced towards her. Panting, she turned and tried to run but she was blocked by another grave. Her eyes instantly sought the name, uncaring that the flames were nearing her.

**Rachel B. Berry**  
><strong>1994 - 2012<strong>  
><strong> Selfish in life, alone in death.<strong>  
><strong> Suicide.<strong>

A chasm suddenly ripped open at her feet and before she knew it, something hit her in the back. Throwing out her hands, she tried to stop her plummet but she fell into the grave. As all light vanished and she was plunged into a dark and cool abyss, she screamed.

And screamed.

_And screamed._

"Rachel! Stop it! Rach! Can you hear me - Stop!" Rachel's eyes flew open and she was meet with a pair of concerned and tired cinnamon eyes. Her heart was racing and her breath came in gasps as she leaned up in her bed, propping herself on her elbows. Finn was sitting down beside her with one hand clasped tightly around hers and a worried expression on his gentle face. "Are you okay? Was it a bad dream, a nightmare?"

"Yeah, I'll be okay," Rachel reassured, her body slowly relaxing as she knew Finn wasn't dead, that he was here with her. Tears had sprouted in her eyes, but she wiped them away and gave him a sheepish look. "I'm sorry, I probably look so pathetic right now."

"No," Finn said seriously, his eyes never leaving hers for a second. "You're hurt, Rachel, and that doesn't go away in a day - believe me, I know."

"I know you do," Rachel said softly, remembering vividly the look on his face when she told him of Quinn and Noah, how Beth was actually Noah's child and not Finn's. She couldn't even describe the emotions he probably felt; the emptiness, the hatred, disbelief and confusion, the overpowering pain. She put her free hand on his face and searched his expression. Bags were under his eyes and they looked tired, practically drooping with exhaustion. "You look horrible, I hope I didn't keep you from sleeping."

Finn smiled suddenly, a mischievous glint appearing in his eyes. "I haven't even tried yet, I've been a little busy."

"Busy?" She glanced at the clock and her eyes widened when she saw that it was nearing three in the morning. "What have you been doing that takes all that time?"

"Well," Finn rose up from her bed and walked over to her desk, where she noticed for the first time that her laptop was on. "I was coming up here to see how you were doing when I noticed something: a NYADA application that was empty."

Rachel blushed guilty, knowing well that she had been avoiding it all week. She didn't want to think about it and the hundreds of pressures that came with college. How was she supposed to deal with that and her unstable emotions? "I-I was going to-"

"So, I wondered to myself - why would Rachel not fill it out? Maybe she forgot? Was it possible that she hadn't forgotten about everything and just didn't want to do it anymore?" Finn continued as if he hadn't even heard her, his rhetorical questions coming with an amused tone. He flashed her a grin. "But then I realized that this is Rachel Berry I'm thinking about, so it couldn't be any of those reasons."

Rachel narrowed her eyes and decided to go along with whatever he was trying to say. "What did you come up with then if I hadn't forgotten about it nor was just being lazy?"

"I decided that you thought you could give up and forget about all your plans and dreams, to be like me and not think about it." Finn grabbed a folder off her desk and set it down lightly next to her and sat back down at the end of the bed, his grin growing. "But like I would actually let that happen, so I filled it out for you."

She opened her mouth in shock, unable to comprehend what he was saying. He finished her application? He couldn't of had, but opening the folder she saw that, in Finn's neatest writing, everything was completed perfectly. Lifting that paper up, she was meet with a copy of her resume - something that she hadn't made yet. Looking up with amazement, she meet Finn's laughing eyes. "I did your resume as well, and, crap, did that take awhile. Do you realize how many extra-curricular activities and clubs you did? I wouldn't even be able to remember them all, let alone do them all."

Rachel silently leafed through the thick packet, memories of happy times coming up from each of them and then she paused as she read the segment on how she was in glee club and one of the co-captains. Her eyes smarted with tears as so many images came from that single club; Finn's face being the brightest out of them all.

A sudden guilt pressed down upon Rachel's chest as she placed everything back into the folder neatly and shut it. She had given up, she had been ready to leave life forever and not care how others would feel when she did. It was selfish, but she had truly believed that no one really cared for her anymore - that she was, in fact, a monster. But this,a single folder, was proof that it was all lies. Someone did care for her and believed that she would do well in the future - Finn.

"I-I don't know what to say, Finn." She said dully, pressing the folder into her chest and hugging it tightly. "You have done so much for me, I wonder how I ever could do the same for you."

Finn's eyes warmed over her. "Just promise me one thing - that you will become the star you truly are and shine so bright that people will not be able to look away, like the sun."

Rachel, tossing the folder onto the floor, moved over and rested her forehead against Finn's. His face was so open and loving, dedicated to the fact that she would be amazing one day, that she couldn't help but to feel that urge again. The need to be someone important and famous, a feeling that had dominated her life for the last sixteen years of her life until a week ago. It was coming back in her, but it was no longer for herself - it was for Finn. "I will, only if you promise me one thing."

"What is that?"

"That if you join the Army, you'll come back to me safely and alive." Finn tensed a little, but he only grinned and rubbed his nose against hers.

"I would never think of doing anything else but that," Finn joked and pulled her into his chest, kissing the top of her head as he did. Resting her face upon his pajama shirt, she could hear his strong heartbeat and his steady breathing. His scent, rich and thick, surrounded her and she breathed it in greedily. Everything that was Finn was with her now and she couldn't help but to smile.

And that was something worth living for, she decided as sleep and peace fell over her.

No longer that night was she bothered by nightmares, her dreams filled with crooked grins and smiling, cinnamon eyes.

**Yes, I'm obsessed with Finn's/Cory's eyes, you'll just have to deal with it. Hope you review (I really like those)!**


	12. A Long Week

**It's Friday, so BOOM! Chapter! I'm really liking this happy mood now, I, honestly, was getting a little tired of just plain angst (which is nice, but still kinda depressing after a while...I wonder why that is?). Enough of me talking, hope you all enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Really hasn't change; I still don't own Glee/Fox/Finn/Rachel/New Directions/Anything worth something/Don't own this song.**

**Enjoy! Hope you're all well and having a great year, can you believe it's almost February already? I can't!**

12) A Long Week

Feeble sunlight poured through his low window and struck him perfectly in the face, waking Finn. He shot up in bed, startled for a second, then groaned and slumped back into the warm sheets; hoping that he could catch a few more minutes of sleep before his alarm went off. Of course, it chose that exact time to buzz. Swearing under his breath, the tall boy turned the noise off and, reluctantly getting out from his bed, headed towards his bathroom.

It was then that he realized a shorter boy wearing silky, blue pajamas was standing in front of the door, looking severely not pleased.

Finn looked down at him drowsily for a moment before realizing that he was supposed to say anything. "Morning, Kurt. Could you like move, I need to take a shower and get ready for school. I have to leave early 'cause I'm supposed to pick Rachel up."

The well-groomed boy however only narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms, one foot tapping on the floor. He was the perfect picture of annoyance. "You weren't at Puck's house this weekend, I called his house and he was as confused as I was."

That woke Finn up and he felt his jaw set, another problem to his ever growing list. "You called his house? Why would you even do that? Didn't you believe my note?"

"I believed that you thought our parents would believe in it, but I didn't." Kurt said, never moving his stormy eyes away from Finn's face. "I'm not stupid, Finn. I saw the way Rachel was Friday and I know you, you wouldn't let her just walk away like that and go play Xbox and get drunk with Puck."

"_I don't get drunk with Puck_-"

"Please, this isn't the time for lies." Kurt stepped up to Finn, his face only a couple of inches away from the taller boy's and his rage was apparent. Poking him in the chest, his step-brother continued with eyes burning with the intensity of his ire. "Something bad is happening to Rachel and it bothers me, especially as it seems she isn't telling anyone but you. She is my best friend, she should be confiding with me! And let's be honest, Finn - you aren't the most...well-rounded comforter in the world."

Finn couldn't believe Kurt's words, making him angry as well as hurt. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Please, Finn." Kurt rolled his eyes and flipped a stray piece of hair out of his face, magically going exactly where it was supposed to be in the first place. "When Rachel wanted you to quit the football team last year, your idea of comforting was to continue playing football and just point at her. Real comforting, Finn."

"I don't see why you should even care," Finn retorted angrily as he felt a blush of embarrassment rise on his face. "You barely spoke to Rachel in the last month 'cause she is running against you in the student election! And all the girls are anti-Rachel as well, so it is not like she really has that many people to ask for help from."

Kurt's eyes widened at Finn's tone, shocked that the gentle boy could rise to anger so quickly. The intensity of his ire even caught him, Finn, at surprise, but this was about Rachel, his girlfriend, the person he loved with all his heart. It was an understatement that he was feeling protective over her, but spending a whole weekend together brought him even closer to her...on an emotional level. Honestly, they hadn't talked that much about the rape or the future - they talked about the past and all the happy memories that they experienced together through glee club and being with each other. It brought a rush of Rachel, how she used to be, and he missed her, but that only strengthened his resolve to help her and return her back to normal.

Kurt dwindled at Finn's surprisingly hateful look, and appeared miserable as he asked softly, "I know, Finn. I've been stupid and I really wish that I would've done things differently, but I can't. So, please, just tell me what is wrong with Rachel and we can help her...together."

He could sense the honesty and guilt his brother felt, but Finn kept his mouth closed. He screwed up before with Rachel and every time he had, the attempts to get her back increased as she was more wary of allowing him in close, so he wouldn't have the ability to break her heart again. He couldn't mess things up again, not ever and defiantly not now! "I'm sorry, Kurt." Finn said slowly, and, for once, meet his gaze as he spoke; the action catching Kurt off-guard as his brother rarely looked at him directly when he was speaking about something serious, Finn's embarrassment and awkwardness preventing him from meeting the other's eyes. But Finn stood straight now and returned the eye contact.

"I know you mean well and are trying to help, but I can't tell you," Finn explained, not looking away even as Kurt opened his mouth to argue. "The tale isn't mine to tell, and Rachel will speak to you when she wants. But, if your friendship meant anything to you, then you wouldn't press her." He tried to appease Kurt with a smile. "But don't think that she hates you or something, because she is the same Rachel deep inside and she wouldn't want you to worry."

Kurt stared back at him for a long moment, making Finn very awkward and conscious that he probably looked like a mess compared to the elegant boy, but he never turned away. Eventually, Kurt broke his gaze and closed his eyes as he turned away, water glistening at the end of his eyelashes. "Can you at least tell me if she is going to get better?"

Finn smiled and put a firm hand on his brother's shoulder, forcing Kurt to look at him again. There were tears and worry shining in his wide eyes, but Finn only said, "I promise, Kurt. I'll return Rachel back to us, and, not even for a second, think that she won't get better...because if we lose hope in her then she will lose hope in herself." He winked at Kurt. "And this is Rachel Berry we are talking about - she doesn't lose easy."

x

Finally after retracting himself from Kurt's thousands of questions, he rushed through a shower and dressed as quickly as he could. Grabbing a pack of Sour Patch Kids as his breakfast, he hightailed it out of his house and into his truck with Rachel's house being the next destination. He had spent the whole weekend at her house - talking, watching movies while wrapped in the others arms, laughing, ordering pizza and other take-out - until Rachel's dads came back home late Sunday night.

Finn had been worried that Rachel wasn't ready to face her parents and act like nothing was wrong. She proved that she could act normal, but at times, when she thought Finn was sleeping or not looking at her, she would pale and her eyes would become hallow. It was a horrible image of Rachel, a mockery of her once-bright self, but Finn had hope. She would get better and go to NYADA, he would go into the Army and, once there, find what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. It was a plan, he realized with a wide smile - he had a plan for once and it felt awesome!

Turning into the Berry's driveway, he honked his horn and waited for Rachel to come out. His happiness was slowly edging away as he couldn't help but to wonder what Rachel would wear. She had told him that she would wear her old clothes, but there had been a dark gleam of uncertainty in her eyes, as if she didn't believe she would herself. She felt like an alien in her old clothes - "wearing someone else's clothes," was how she described it, which confused Finn. Bright shirts and skirts, gleaming, white knee-socks, and comfortable dancing shoes; that was Rachel Berry, so how could she feel like a stranger in her own outfits?

_Rape_, _Finn_, a voice sounded in his head (which sounded oddly like Kurt with its sarcastic and impatient tone). _She was raped and she doesn't simply get over that if you cover it in a band-aid and kiss it; she needs time to heal and return to her old life_. He tightened his hands on the steering wheel and couldn't help but to wonder how long it will be - he missed that positive, and somewhat annoying, ramble that Rachel always gave him about her goals and future accomplishments. She had been so peppy, brimming with energy like she downed ten Rockstars and a Red Bull, but now it was like she was a ghost of her old self, moaning and crying about past.

"No," Finn said to himself as he shoved all the dark thoughts to the back of his mind and paid attention to Rachel's front door. He couldn't think like that, he needed to be helpful for Rachel and he defiantly couldn't do that if he had his head in the trash. So, he put a grin on his face, and waited.

It didn't take long before the door swung open and Rachel stepped outside, calling a farewell over her shoulder to her dads. Her hair was brushed under a sleek, black cap so the short hair didn't fall everywhere, and her face seemed to beam under it as if the morning light was showing its admiration to her choice - the same feeling that made Finn get out of his truck and approach her, no longer having to force his smile.

For there was Rach, not Her, not The Girl, standing before him with a hint of a smile twitching on her face. Wearing a slim skirt that showed off her well-curved legs and a shirt to match, she looked positively beautiful. He couldn't help himself as he admired every aspect of her - to her nose, maybe somewhat larger than normal but not in the least less cute, to the socks that rose to the beginning of her kneecaps. The sight made him draw her into his arms and kiss her upon the lips; forcing all his love into the contact as his hands rose up her sides and to the soft hair that tickled his fingers.

_Rach_, he sighed.

Eventually, Rachel tore away, her face red with exertion and embarrassment. She glanced back over her shoulder at her house but it appeared silent. "Finn, my dads would both have strokes if they just witnessed that!"

"Before or after they tried to kill me?" Finn laughed, unable to hide his joy at seeing his girlfriend. Beaming, he added, "You wore your old clothes."

"I promised I would, didn't I?" Rachel asked coyly, raising an eyebrow and lifting her nose in mock injury of pride. "And Rachel Berry always keeps her promises, even if just borderline."

Finn couldn't help but to kiss her again, this time shorter but with all the same emotions. In each kiss, he could feel Rachel living again. She was no longer cold and indifferent as stone; warmth and passion emanated from the petite woman and surrounded him in her love, allowing him to see and feel the intensity of her emotions as he held her close. Tears appeared in his eyes, happy tears that he wouldn't wipe away for anyway. "I love you."

Rachel smiled, her white teeth flashing. "I love you, too, Finn." She gazed into his cinnamon eyes for a long moment before tearing away to look at her watch. "We better go or we'll be late, and we both know how much Rachel Berry hates to be off her schedule."

"Yes, ma'am," Finn bowed his head, trying to look serious but only achieving a goofy smile as he held out his arm for her to take. "Your chariot awaits."

Rachel giggled. "How chivalrous!"

xXx

Rachel Berry stared into the mirror of the girl's bathroom, ignoring the phone numbers and the graffiti that caked it like mud. When she peered into the mirror, she saw a girl in a bright outfit with a smile that could cure cancer and eyes that gleamed like melted chocolate. She was so breathtakingly beautiful and wholesome, that Rachel doubted it was her; but her reflection proved it. She was back.

Or so it seemed anyway, but inside she still felt a small coil of cold that reminded her with clenching memories of what happened to her; forcing her to never forget that day, but she realized that she couldn't. Some memories, both good and bad, a person just had to deal with for the rest of their life and, even though it was a depressing thought, it was true. Hiding the memory behind uncaring was easy, so easy, but it didn't aid in her the end - it would only make her the very thing that she detested, a failure.

Rachel sighed contently, that certain memory would never go away, but, a smile widening on her thin face, she had a weapon. It was like a torch, flaring and sending the dark shadows back into the hidden corners where no one looked, cowering under the intensity of the flames. Finn was her weapon; with him, she could do anything and fight back the dark tide of pain and memories.

_But what happens when he is gone...leaving you alone while he fights in strange lands and against opponents much stronger and bigger than him? And you are left all alone..._

The thought made her cringe inwardly and she felt tears build-up, but she wiped them away. Staring defiantly into the mirror, she shook her head at the dark questions. Finn believed in her and she would do the same for him, he promised that he would come back...and they both knew he would do everything possible to follow that through. It didn't make the pain or torture less hurtful, but she could endure it.

Smiling at the mirror in full force to erase all signs of her tears, she left the bathroom and hurried to find Finn, knowing that he awaited her in glee club.

For once, Rachel was nervous about entering the choir room; the room that she always went to for solace and comfort, so she could lose her thoughts and emotions in a song. Though, once she stepped in, she knew that she would be the center of attention, all eyes looking at her with sympathy, curiosity, or, in Finn's case, love. They were her friends, some of them anyway, and they wanted to help, but the only way they could ever do that was for them to know.

To know about the rape.

No, she wasn't ready for that type of confrontation yet. Telling Finn had almost driven her over the emotional deep-end, but due to his uncanny ability to make her feel better and sooth her, she had dealt with it. He understood her pain, but what if the others didn't? What if they thought she deserved it? What if they believed she wanted it to happen?

She smiled slightly as she remembered telling Finn her worries over the phone the night before, his words still ringing sharply in her ears. "Not one of them would think that, Rach, not even _Satan_ Lopez. You're just over thinking everything, but trust me - they will not blame you, you did nothing wrong...And if they even try to say something, I'll have my foot so high up their asses they would see the tip of my sneaker. Okay?"

Finn. How could he make her feel better with such a grotesque promise, she didn't know, but it did. He had been there for her the whole weekend, pampering her and being on his best behavior. She couldn't remember him being more than a couple of steps away from, besides when they had to go to the bathroom or get a drink; his hand always locked tightly in hers, never wanting to let go as if he was afraid of losing her.

He almost did, she realized grimly, unconsciously looking to her left arm where she had covered the cut behind a thick, cloth-like bracelet. She had attempted suicide, Rachel admitted to herself, and she was so thankful that she hadn't been able to go through with it. How she possibly could imagine leaving Finn was beyond her, the idea making her eyes burn and throat tighten. They had been through so much together, so much love, so much pain; she hated herself for even trying to do such a thing to Finn, especially with what he did last weekend.

She knew she had to make it up to him and she could only determine one way, one solution that hopefully would appease everyone in the room. It had taken her a couple periods of zoning out the teachers and only thinking about it, but she had figured a way out - her proof tight in her hands as she walked into the glee club with her head held high.

The first thing that struck her was how...normal everything looked. There was still the usual couple, Tina and Mike, with Mike's arm laid over Tina's shoulders gently; Artie and Sam talking about some band, usually with lots of screaming and guitar solos; Quinn, hands in her lap and legs crossed, trying to appear nonchalant, but failing miserable as pain shone in her eyes and she kept glancing at Puck, an expression torn between repulsion and need; Puck, Blaine, Kurt, and Mr. Schue arguing about Sectionals with a curious Rory watching in the background.

Then there was Finn, sitting behind the drum set and setting a low beat that filled the choir room with a tempo that was barely noticed but felt in the very bones. He had been staring at the door, waiting for her, and he immediately jumped to his feet to rush over to her.

He kissed her gently on the cheek, before pulling back and looking deep into her eyes, a worrying expression crossing his handsome features. "Are you sure you're ready for this, you don't have to rush this."

Oh, God, what did I do to deserve a guy like this? She nodded her head and gave him a reassuring smile. "I'm not rushing anything, Finn. I'm going to make sure I take it slow and experience everything to the fullest - like music, my friends, spending time with you. Nothing will be for granted, not one thing, but I have to do a few things first." She returned his kiss with one of her own, noticing his puzzled look. "Sit down and you'll see. Trust me."

Finn's eyes darted over hers but eventually he nodded and took a seat next to Mr. Schue, who he whispered something into the teacher's ear. The older man nodded his head, looking at her comfortingly as he quieted everyone down. "Rachel has something to say, let her speak. Go ahead, Rachel."

"Thank you," Rachel said and walked over to the place right in front of everyone; a spot that she had stood on so many times before. She sang here, she kissed Finn here, she cried here, her heart was broken here, she had _lived_ here. Growing encouragement from that and Finn staring at her with a smile and an intense look, she started. "I know that most of you have been...wondering what happened to him, why I went all psycho and scary on you guys. The reason for it...I'm not going to tell you."

Ignoring the angry looks and Quinn's mutter of why must she always be so dramatic, she pressed on. "Everyone has secrets, things that we didn't tell others, even those in this club." Her eyes meet Kurt's, Quinn's, and Puck's. "No matter if it was sexuality, or lying to your boyfriend, or to your best friend; we kept it silent for a long time. Some people were angry or worried at first, but all of us pulled through and we are here today because we had each other when we exposed our secret for the first time. I will tell you, eventually, but until then I hope you can at least give me the privilege of sorting through it."

She took another breath, trying to calm the bubbles of excitement in her chest as she was finally going through with her plan. "But I realized that I have to change - I can't be a tight-up, selfish, little bitch anymore." It was comical seeing all their expressions change radically. A few laughed unbelieving, like Puck and Artie did, some raised their eyebrows astounded by both her swearing and total change of character, pretty much Tina,Quinn, and most of the other guys, two smiled, that being Finn and Kurt, while Mr. Schue just looked very disapproving at her language.

Seeing Finn's smile made her feel better than she had all day, fearing slightly that he might have disapproved. It was obvious that he wanted the old Rachel back, but she was lost, swept away from her by Jesse, but she was slowly rebuilding - into a new and vastly improved Rachel. A Rachel that would have to be strong to endure the grueling schedule of going to NYADA and being apart from Finn, something that was still having difficult coming to terms with - she couldn't imagine a future without Finn at her side at all times. But she would just have to manage and, to do that, she had to take a step forward.

"So, like I said, I'm going to change," Rachel said as she went on, walking forward to Kurt. The boy looked at her surprised as she stopped in front of him, smiling apologetically. "I'm sorry, Kurt, I've been a terrible friend. I can't even comprehend what I was thinking when I started to run against you in the student elections, how I could ruin our friendship over such a stupid thing. And, as a way of attempting to say sorry, I dropped out this morning and you can count on my vote for you being our next senior Class President."

Kurt's mouth dropped open in disbelief, unable to understand the meaning of Rachel's words. She smiled at him again and patted his soft hair, conscious to not mess it up in any way. Not waiting for him to make a comment, she returned to her spot before the club. "And I also want to apologize to all of you, because of me and my insufferable need to be number one, we lost many talented signers - Mercedes. Santana, Brit. I tried to make-up with them earlier today, trying to placate them by allowing them to have more solos and be able to sing a number in each of our competitions, but, with Sectionals being so close, we agreed that after the event we would come together again. No matter which team wins, New Directions will be back once more, like it used to be."

An audible gasp went through the club and Rachel couldn't help but to grin, feeling a sense of happiness explode through her petite form. She cherished it, holding it close and letting it warm her as she opened her mouth for her last apology. "I also think I should be saying a big sorry to Mr. Schue." He blinked startled and give her a quizzical look, but she shook her head. "I never realized that this will be the last year with us for you, some of us anyway. Winning Nationals would mean the same to you as it does us, and I can't believe how I let us get off track so easily! So, I brought a song that I hope we might do for Sectionals."

The teacher raised his eyebrows, but there were tears glimmering in his eyes as he said, "Great, can you perform it now?"

"Of course!" Rachel beamed at him, before turning her eyes, almost unconsciously, to Finn's. He was practically glowing in happiness for her and it made her want to rush up to him and lose herself in his strong arms, but she remained where she was. He would know soon enough how she felt. "I want to dedicate this song to Finn, because without him...I would be in a very dark place right now."

Handing a sheet to the silent, but always available, pianist Brad, Rachel locked onto Finn's cinnamon gaze. Drawing all her love for him and bringing it to the surface, she sang softly:

_Wish it could be easy_  
><em> Why is life so messy<em>  
><em> Why is pain a part of us<em>  
><em> There are days I feel like<em>  
><em> Nothing ever goes right<em>  
><em> Sometimes it just hurts so much<em>

She closed her eyes, allowing all the emotions she felt the past weekend and week run into each other, swirling to bring another level of singing that she never dreamed she could reach.

_ But you're here_  
><em> You're real I know I can trust you<em>  
><em> Even when it hurts<em>  
><em> Even when it's hard<em>  
><em> Even when it all just falls apart<em>  
><em> I will run to you<em>  
><em> Cause I know that you are<em>  
><em> Lover of my soul<em>  
><em> Healer of my scars<em>  
><em> You steady my heart<em>  
><em> You steady my heart<em>

She couldn't help the tears as they now slid down her cheeks as she opened her eyes. The room wasa blur but Finn was in perfect clarity, his mouth agape slightly as his eyes shimmered with his own emotions. Oh, how she loved him, how she needed him, how she never wanted to lose him.

_ I'm not gonna worry_  
><em> I know that you got me<em>  
><em> Right inside the palm of your hand<em>  
><em> Each and every moment<em>

_What's good and what gets broken_  
><em> Happens just the way that you plan<em>  
><em> And I will run to you<em>  
><em> You're my refuge in your arms<em>  
><em> And I will sing to you<em>  
><em> Cause of everything you are<em>  
><em> You steady my heart<em>  
><strong><em> You steady my heart<em>**

As the last note rang in the air and Brad's playing fell quiet, there was not a sound in the choir room. It appeared as if not one didn't have tears or moisture rising in their eyes as they stared at her. She didn't care that they weren't clapping or praising her skills - their silence was like a standing ovation to her and her heart started to beat rapidly as Finn stood up, approaching her slowly.

Cusping one cheek in his palm, he smiled watery at her. "And you made my heart, Rach." Then he was kissing her, his lips pressing forcefully upon hers as her arms united behind the back of his neck, their bodies melting together. All her worries, for a brief moment, vanished and she lost herself in the warmth that they produced between them; ignoring the cat calls that came from Puck and Artie, she sighed as she felt content for once in a very long time.

"Okay, I'm going to vomit," Quinn's voice threatened, but there was a certain amusement in it that showed she approved. Rachel pulled away from Finn, smiling at him with all her heart and emotions.

"Steps, right?" Rachel asked, not moving her eyes away from his. Hope and joy shone in the cinnamon depths, their direction wavering between her own eyes and her delicate lips.

"Steps." Finn agreed, then kissed her again, a crooked smile upon his face.

X

The week went by slowly, to both Finn and Rachel as they each had their own personal demons to deal with, especially the young woman. She was trying her best to change, but at times, when she was alone or trying to sleep, the darkness and coldness inside of her threatened to break out and suffocate her. The attacks would be sudden and leave her hollow, a sense of defeat ringing in her, but she didn't allow it to control her, not anymore.

Clutching to a mental picture of Finn, her parents, and all her friends, she battled the tide ofdarkness; summoning her love for each of them, especially Finn, she burned away the coldness. It took awhile but eventually it would recede, leaving her sweating and heart beating frantically. It tormented her, but she would never succumb to the black memories. She had to be strong, to pull through, but she couldn't help the small shiver of doubt starting to grow inside of herself...that maybe she couldn't do it.

However, once she returned home after school on Wednesday and grabbed the mail, that doubt vanished as she got a letter. It was from NYADA, telling her that they got her application and resume. Though, what made her heart soar, was that she had moved up into the next category of the selection process. She was invited to sing a song of her choosing at the Civic Center in Lima, where they were holding all the auditions for those wanting to get into NYADA in the Lima area.

Her eyes flashing across the letter multiple times, she couldn't believe that this was actually happening! Another step, she realized joyously, and hurried into the house. She couldn't wait to tell Finn!

"Hey, babe." Finn's voice came from her phone, sounding somewhat confused. The noise of bangs and tires screeching came from the background, and Rachel felt a slight feeling of guilt as she realized she called when he was supposed to be working at Burt's shop. "Is something the matter?"

"Yes, I mean no," She couldn't help but to rant, grinning at her own franticness. "Nothing bad anyway...I have an audition with NYADA - I moved up into the next round!"

"I knew it! They would be insane not to accept you, Rach," Finn exclaimed, and she could almost picture him fist-pumping the air in his excitement. "When is it, I'll be there for you when you hit all the other contestants out of the pool."

"Park, Finn. It's park - Oh, who cares!" Rachel laughed. She checked the letter again to make sure she had the right date and time. "It's this Friday, at five."

There was a brief silence, then Finn asked weakly. "Five? This Friday?"

Rachel frowned. "That is what I said...is something the matter, Finn?"

She heard him sigh over the phone, sounding guilty and disappointed. "I was planning to tell the fam' about me going into the Army this Friday...and I kind of hoped you would've come, to help me make them understand."

"Oh, Finn." said Rachel, guilt rushing over. Finn had been practically in tears over his anxiety of telling his family, especially his mother, about his want to go into the Army. She couldn't even imagine how Carole would be feeling as she first heard what her son planned to do, the cold grief that surrounded Rachel whenever she thought about it probably, but expanded to proportions that she would never be able to comprehend. Losing her husband, and now possible losing her only son? She didn't want to think about it Finn going into the Army and how his mother would react, but she made a promise that she would be there for Finn. "I could call them and ask them if I could postpone my audition until later that day or Saturday-"

"No," Finn's answer came firm, allowing no room for argument. "You'll go to your audition and I'll talk with my family. It was selfish of me to even ask you to come..." He laughed softly, but it held no warmth or any characteristics of his usual chuckle. "I guess I wanted you to come maybe because you could have made them understand what I am feeling, you're better with words than I am."

"Finn, what makes a speaker isn't their diction and big fancy words. It's when they speak from the heart and have emotion behind their voice that truly parallels how they feel." Rachel explained, feeling a small smile tug at her jaw. "You're a great speaker, Finn, and don't let anyone tell you differently. Do you think honestly, that if you weren't a good speaker, I would be like this now? No, I wouldn't be. You talked me back into life, you made me realize your need to prove to yourself that you can be a good man, like your father was - even if you already established that countless times. My words wouldn't even compare to the words you could tell your family, because you truly know how you feel and, if anything, your mom would want you to explain it yourself to her."

She took a breath and waited for Finn to speak, the only sound coming from the phone was someone screaming about missing a wrench or something. Finally, when she thought he almost hung up, he asked, "Are you sure you couldn't? Because, to me, it seems you could make the sky a bright green with the way you speak."

Rachel laughed at the humor in his tone, relieved that he wasn't moping about it. "Well, I better let you go. I'm sorry I called you during work, I just got so excited."

"No problem," Finn reassured. "See you tomorrow?"

"It's a promise," returned Rachel and then they ended the call. She stared at the device for a long moment, worrying about Finn. His mom meant everything to him and, deep inside of him, Rachel knew that he wouldn't do it if Carole didn't approve. But his mother loved her son, and she would want him to follow his goals - even if it is the same goal that lost her husband his life. Rachel believed in him, just as he trusted in her, so she knew that Finn would be okay - he would make the right decision in the end.

Meanwhile, Rachel's eyes flickered to the letter and sparked with joy, she had a song to find.\

**The song is "Steady My Heart" by Kari Jobe (which and who, I don't own). I know, another Christian song, but I thought it worked quite well for the story (I'm really bad at putting songs into stories - something why I really appreciate Glee for as they do an amazing job). ****Hope you enjoyed! Next 2-3 chapters are going to be doozies, I promise! Again, hope you liked it and, if you wouldn't mind, hit that little button down there and type a review; I really do live off those things, you know! Okay, me done. Vale! Have a beautiful weekend!**


	13. The Past Never Dies

**A/N: FRI-Wait, it's Thursday. I have a wedding to go to tomorrow which means I only would have time to update today, so, here you go!** **Hope you enjoy and, would really love it if you did, review! **

13) The Past Never Dies

Rachel's heart was beating frantically in nerves as she stood with Finn after school on Friday, both knowing they had to say goodbye but neither wanting to be the first one to say it. They were going to take huge steps - no, _leaps_ that would start them on the road of their lives. It was exciting and horrible at the same time, a change for the better or for the worst. They could become the people they always wanted to be - a star and a hero...or they could die trying, which was thought of literally in Finn's case.

Her head was right to his chest, drawing comfort from his scent and that his arms were held tightly around him, protective and supportive. She was loath to let him go, especially with what he was about to tell his family. Rachel had protested, asking Finn to let her change the date of her audition or move the time when he explained everything to his mom and the Hummels, but he shook his head and said no each time. He was adamant about it and eventually he gave her such a look that made her stop her pleas; she wanted to be there for Finn, trying to return all the comfort he had been showering her with the last two weeks. But he said no, and she stopped trying.

Letting out a deep sigh to relieve her peaking nerves, Rachel muttered into his striped polo, "I don't want to move; I want to stay here forever."

She felt Finn's lip brush against her hair, one hand slowly revolving on the small of her back. "Me too, but I realized that we can't stop our lives from going on, we can only pretend it's not. We just have to know that this is what we want to, what will make us happy."

You could make me happy by not enlisting in the Army, by not trying to get yourself killed, she thought in her head but did not repeat aloud. She knew that Finn always wanted to know his father, to remember the figure that was only a picture in his memory. Encouraging him to not fear the future, she was glad that he was making a choice for once, but she was scared. The Army? What if something happened to him? What if he lost an arm? Or loses the ability to move his legs? Or, worse, what if he was killed?

Burrowing her head deeper into his strong chest, she pushed those thoughts away. "When did you become the smart one, Finn?"

Finn laughed, his breath warming her hair and she couldn't help but to grin. "Oh, I was always smart. Just too much of a genius for your minds; you wouldn't be able to handle this kinda awesome."

Rachel glanced up at him, her eyes scanning his face. The familiar thick hair, the cute dots that graced his cheeks, and his beautiful cinnamon eyes that looked at her with such intensity and need it could start a fire. Smiling, she only said, "No arguments here." Then, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him down, she kissed him.

Lips touching, bodies crushing, and arms wrapped tight around the other; Rachel couldn't help but to feel...right. This was where she was supposed to be, with Finn. She loved him so much, and her stupid nightmare image of him popped into her head as it had all week, but, again, she forced it aside. That wasn't Finn, she knew that he would make it through - he promised her and she knew that this was an oath he would keep.

X

Pulling into the spacious parking lot of the Civic Center, Rachel could barely keep herself from crying with nerves and fear. This was it; this was the time where her dreams actually started to come true. No more waiting, no more longing - everything was starting to fall into place.

But was she ready? She had been recovering quickly, beyond anything that she had hoped, but there was still a little bit of doubt inside of her. What if they saw past her smiling face and light voice to see the broken girl inside, that, no matter how many times Finn held her or kissed her hair softly, wouldn't go away. No one would want such a defeated person in their school, it would bring down morale and the school's image of fun and merriment.

As she felt the gloom slowly cover her, she felt a rush of anger. "No! I am not going to let this bring me down," Rachel encouraged herself, glaring into her rear-view mirror. "You are Rachel freaking Berry: you have won countless dancing, singing, and acting competitions than anyone else in this state; you are pretty and you are amazing; you have stud Finn Hudson on your arm. You have no reason not to shine!"

_Except for being raped._ Her voice hissed in Rachel's head, making her cringe at the noise. She hadn't spoken for a long time, actually, ever since she had told Finn. There was a small piece of her that hoped She was gone forever, but apparently not. _Stop trying to hide it behind that fake smile and lard of a boyfriend, you are nothing! Do you seriously believe you will be accepted into NYADA, that they would take such a disgrace as yourself._

Her voice became eerily gently, the hairs on the back of Rachel's neck rising as the Girl continued. _It's okay, Rachel. Just accept who you are and everything will work for the better._

Rachel smirked, "That's exactly what I'm doing." And giving The Girl a mental one-finger salute, jumped out of her car. It was refreshing and brought a spring into her step, until she noticed a familiar, black Range Rover with a license plate saying "**VOC AD 1**." It made her falter in her steps, all happy feelings rushing out of her.

Vocal Adrenaline. Those vehicles. It brought a barrage of memories at her, each landing like a bullet through her heart. Losing to them at Regionals, the cold feeling of yokes running down her back, the embarrassment of walking into glee club and seeing Finn's outraged expression, and...Jesse's face. Just the mention of his name made her palms sweat, face pale, and heart sound like she was having a heart attack. Anger, bitterness, sadness, and disbelief came with the storm of symptoms, tormenting her with the fact that Jesse St. James, the boy she thought had once loved and cared for her, raped her.

It was almost unbearable to even accept and Rachel thought of running back to her car and driving away from here, where she would go - she had no idea, but anywhere from Lima. Anywhere that wasn't in her past. It was so tempting and she could feel herself turn around, her hands going into her handbag to grab her keys, but paused as two things flew into her head.

Finn and rationality.

She had promised him that she would change and try not to be effected by what happened, to be strong and live through the pain with him. It was difficult, she wanted to scream and shout that it was impossible, but, looking back, her whole life seemed to be impossible. She was a single girl in boring Lima, Ohio, talented with a voice that was incomparable, and a boyfriend that was almost too good to be true, even if he had some minor faults but - Rachel asked herself - who doesn't? Why would she run from that - no, how could she run from that?

Revolving slowly to look back the Civic Center, she tried to bring her thoughts together and calm herself. The vehicle could be anyone's from that year, it didn't mean that it was Jesse's. Also, Rachel's thinking bringing a soothing effect to her nerves, why would Jesse be here? He told her before that college never worked with him, so why would she even assume that Jesse would be at an audition for NYADA?

With that in mind and drawing strength from a mental picture of Finn, who had to be going through one of the worst difficulties in his life as he was willing to join the very thing that killed his father, walked into the large building.

After speaking with a receptionist at the front desk, she was directed to a large theater room. She had been there plenty of times before, either for plays or dancing competitions, and the sight brought her a strange comforting feeling. Winning and performing, the memories covered her like gentle arms and gave her the encouragement to continue walking. Throwing back her short hair, she walked forward to the nearest figure she saw - a man with his back turned as a professionally-dressed woman was speaking to him.

Rachel, once she got close, announced, "Hello, I am supposed to be here for an audition."

The figure straightened suddenly and turned around slowly. "Why, hello...Rachel."

With a smile upon his face and blue eyes glowing with a playful tint, she was meet face-to-face with Jesse St. James.

Her rapist.

Her nightmare.

With eyes staring wildly at Jesse and his grinning face, she barely heard it as the woman stepped forward. "Ah, so you're Rachel Berry? I am Ms. Martinez, the one in charge of Admissions and I'll be reviewing your performance with my assistant, Mr. St. James." Her eyes flashed between the two, one eyebrow raising critically. "Whom I assume you already know?"

"Yes," Rachel heard herself mutter, unable to tear her gaze away from Jesse. In the last two weeks she hadn't imagined speaking with Jesse, seeing him again and having to deal with him. She had been so focused on trying to figure out her own self and life, that she never thought of meeting with Jesse - or how she would feel about it.

Anger. Bitter and heavy, it rose from the center of her being and threatened to drown her senses. Him, he was the cause! Her suffering, her pain, the troubles that it had caused between her and Finn, and her attempt at suicide. It was all because of the smiling and pleased-faced man before her - he ruined her fucking life!

Even though she wanted to allow her emotions to take control and kill Jesse, she swallowed forcefully. "We know each other, or, at least, I thought I did."

"Sandra," Jesse glanced, flicking his gaze to the other woman. "Is it okay if I talked with Rachel alone for a moment?"

Ms. Martinez's razor eyes glared at him, highly disapproving, but she fell under his beautiful blue eyes, eyes that Rachel suddenly found highly disturbing and too bright. She gave them both a nod, "It would be nice to get a small coffee break between all the auditions - you have five minutes."

Rachel watched her walk away and leave the two alone, the silence in the auditorium deafening as she moved her eyes back to Jesse. A casual smirk was on his arrogantly handsome features and his hands were in the pockets of his leather jacket casually. Rachel was floored with anger and hate, her small hands curling into fists. He was the picture of innocence, acting like he had done nothing wrong, and staring at her with such cheerfulness.

"You cut your hair," Jesse finally said, leaning against the back of one of the chairs in the final row. "I like it, it really brings a new you out and makes you seem more mature. Also, very stylish, if I might add."

"You can't." Rachel snapped and, wrapping her hands together so she wouldn't try and strangle Jesse, she couldn't help but to ask, "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, don't you know?" She hated his humorous tone, wanting to beat the smile off his face. To make bruises and cuts upon his handsome features, to show him how it felt to be ugly and marred. To know her pain. "I got a job with NYADA, mostly just seeing if people are as true as they say they are in their applications, but that was only a bonus. I came back for one reason - to see you again."

"Why would you do _that_?" Rachel asked, placing special emphasis on the last word; the unasked question burning in the air like a flame. _Why did you rape my, why did you ruin my life?_

"Isn't obvious?" Jesse smiled. " I love you, Rachel. We are meant to be together, and you know it as well. I saw it in your eyes that morning, you were looking so happy and glowing like the sun was on your skin."

Rachel leaned up into his face, her eyes furious and her body shaking with barely-controlled rage. "Do you know why I was glowing, do you want to know why I was in such a good mood?" A wicked smile came upon her face and she moved her head to whisper in his ear. "Because I had just slept with Finn; he took my virginity. You were too late..."

Pulling back, Rachel was surprised, and slightly scared, at the murderous expression on her ex-boyfriend's face. His eyes were slits and his breathing was heavy, chest heaving as if he was about to scream. "You lie!"

"I don't lie when it comes to Finn, because we love each other," Rachel remarked. "Something that you obviously don't know-"

"That lard cannot love you!" Jesse practically growled. "You love me and I love you, we shared something special that morning - you can't lie to me. I know you way too well, Rachel Berry. You wanted that as much as I did!"

"Yes," Rachel felt her face harden, her eyes and cheeks burning with such hatred that Jesse visibly flinched. "I wanted my life to become ruin, I wanted my heart torn out and flung to the ground - I wanted to kill myse-"

"That is quite enough time to talk," Ms. Martinez's voice broke through the auditorium and the two both started - they had forgotten about the woman's existence. "You may take the stage and perform your piece, anything is open but nothing explicit or expressing inappropriate themes."

"I understand." Rachel smiled at her, then flashed a smirk at Jesse. The man was still looking like he wanted to break a chair or something, his eyes flashing with anger and, to her surprise, disappointment. The look gave her encouragement as she took the steps up to the stage, her mind flicking through different songs in her repertoire. "I was going to perform "My Heart Will Go On," by Celine Dion, as it is a highly emotional and powerful song, perfect for my voice range. But, in a rush of inspiration and recent conversation, I won't be performing it."

Ms. Martinez's eyebrow shot up. "Okay, then. What song will you be showing us today?"

"I'll be singing "Army of One," by Jennifer McLaren," Rachel told them, her eyes flashing with humor at Jesse. "It isn't a very well-known song but the message implied reflects how I have felt lately and I believe songs with emotional value increases their effect and performance."

"Very well, I believe the same." Admiration and approval were apparent on her expression, while Jesse's face was filled with fury. "You may begin."

Rachel closed her eyes, bringing up Jesse's face and the anger he was feeling. It made her feel pleased, that she actually had a tiny advantage over him, and she allowed the satisfaction to surface onto her face and into her voice.

_Look into my eyes_  
><em> I'm not afraid<em>  
><em> I've given you a chance<em>  
><em> Now it's too late<em>  
><em> Innocence is gone<em>  
><em> I've put my armor on<em>  
><em> Don't try to hurt me<em>  
><em> I'll make you sorry<em>

Triumph and determination rang through the large auditorium, the acoustics amplifying the sound and making her voice ring in the ears of those present. It was made even sweeter as it was Jesse hearing it, showing him that she wasn't defeated.

_ You called me out,_  
><em> To break me down<em>  
><em> Fulfilling all your prophesies of pain<em>  
><em> But you don't have to cry for me<em>

_ Here we are,_  
><em> Face to face<em>  
><em> The tide has turned<em>  
><em> And now your will is gone<em>  
><em> Now that I've become<em>  
><em> An army of one<em>

_ I'll bring you to your knees_  
><em> Before you can fall<em>  
><em> Turn you into ice<em>  
><em> When you try to crawl<em>  
><em> Nothing's gonna help<em>  
><em> You brought it on yourself<em>  
><em> Don't try to fight it<em>  
><em> You can't avoid it<em>

Opening her eyes as she went into the next chorus, her gaze sought out Jesse's instantly. A frown was upon his face and, if she wasn't mistaken, a little bit of dread. She still didn't know why he did what he did, but she wasn't going to allow him the satisfaction of seeing her defeated by it. She was stronger than that and she was better than him.

After finishing the song on a soft note and allowing the sound to be dragged out as much as possible, she took a small bow and, ignoring Jesse (hopefully, to his annoyance), smiled at Ms. Martinez and asked, "So, am I accepted?"

"We only have a limited number of entries allowed, so we must review upon each candidate before we make a final decision." Martinez explained, but she did smile at Rachel, a strange feature on her usual-severe face. "But, with your resume and talent, I doubt there will be any questions."

"Thank you! This means a lot to me and I can't wait to tell my boyfriend!" Rachel knew that the last part was unnecessary, borderline unprofessional, but she couldn't resist throwing that jib in Jesse's face. She would never forgive him, never let him have the easy way - if she was going through hell, she was going to drag him with her.

"We'll be informing you if you got into the next level sometime next week through the mail." Martinez informed as the doors of the auditorium opened and the next performer appeared, ready toshow his talent. "You may go, I hope you have a nice weekend."

"Oh, I will! Thank you for the privilege of being here today," Rachel said, her voice cheerful and pleasant. "And Jesse - it was good to see you again, especially with my hair intact and soul not torn into thousands of pieces. A nice change."

And with that, smiling at Jesse's fury and Ms. Martinez's confusion, she bounced out of the Civic Center. Looking back, she thought she would be scared, the hollowness in her soul suffocating, when she meet with Jesse again. Instead, she felt such anger that she could finally understand Finn's reasons for lashing out at something. It threatened to overrun all her thoughts and senses, to make her lose all rationality.

But thinking of Finn brought a calming salve on her anger, his wide and slightly goofy grin upon his face as his cinnamon eyes burned with the intensity of his emotions. It was how she imagined him to look like when she told him the news of her nailing her performance, and she couldn't wait to see it. Her heart was beating so furiously that she was probably going to have a heart attack, but she didn't really care as she speed towards Finn's house.

She was doing it, Rachel was on her way to a new future. A future that would be so bright, she could barely even begin to fathom how good it would feel. She would be on Broadway and movies, even possibly one of those musical movies that everyone said they hated but actually loved. Her face would in tabloids and magazines, her voice would ring through radios everywhere, and, through it all, Finn would be at her side.

It was a dream that was slowly becoming reality, Rachel realized and couldn't help but to laugh.

But it faltered slightly as she pulled into the Hudson-Hummel residence and saw Kurt and his parents in the lawn. There were tears in Carole's eyes and she was crying steadily while Burt held her in his arms; a sad and sorrowful Kurt standing a few feet away from them, his arms crossed and foot tapping to show his distress. Rachel's eyes scanned the lawn for a sight of the tall, broad-chested figure that she loved so much, but it was absent from the front yard.

A dark and sickening dread filled her being as she approached Kurt, the feeling intensifying as his eyes filled with tears at the sight of her. She was afraid to ask but this was Finn, she needed to know if something was wrong. "What's the matter, Kurt? Where is Finn, is he hurt?"

"Rachel," Kurt whined, his eyes swallowing her as he continued. "Finn's gone."

**Cliffie! I know the Jesse and Rachel scene wasn't very extensive but there is going to be a second book, where everything is going to be explained in full detail with, of course, more drama on the way. I hope you review, because they are nothing if not encouraged!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fox/Glee/Ryan Murphy/"Army of One" by Jennifer McLaren**


	14. Dead Once, Dead Twice

**AN: Sorry that I didn't upload this yesterday, I wasn't able to login! I don't if it was the site or my computer but I do apologize and I hope you can forgive me! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee/Fox/Ryan Murphy/Yoda**

14) Dead Once, Dead

As Finn grinned and waved goodbye to Rachel driving her little Chevy out of his driveway, he couldn't help but to feel swamped with emotion. It was unnerving on how much he cared for Rachel, how easy her touch sent his body into super drive, how simple her eyes could make him melt and want to wrap her in his arms, to crush his large frame against her petite form. Whenever they kissed, his heart would beat frantically in his chest and he could practically feel his hormones go in for the kill.

Truthfully, he loved Rachel Berry.

Looking back, he had always used the word "love" loosely, but with Rachel...he meant it. It wasn't to appease someone, like he did with Quinn when he broke up with her a few months ago, but his heart glowed with truth and meaning whenever he said it to Rachel. His blood rushed and his head swam (in the good way), and he couldn't help but to smile widely as he thought of his girlfriend.

But he would miss her, he realized and his smile faltered slightly. He had given up so much last year to be with her, and was he just going to let that all go to waste if he enlisted in the Army? His emotions, and heart, were mixed; he wanted to be with Rachel, _needed_ to be with her, but he also had to know about his father, the one whom he always reached out to but never felt the contact return.

It was unusual to feel such things for a person he couldn't even remember, but he was his father. This was a man that gave him life, a man who brought him into the world to see the awesome things that it held - football, cheerleader skirts, singing and music, Rachel... And he owed it to Christopher Hudson, in the least, to try and make a connection between them, even if he was never going to speak or see him again. He wanted to be a hero like his father - just, you know, without the dead part.

And the Army wasn't forever, right? Boot camp, return home for at least a month, be sent off for a couple of years, and then he would be back with Rachel - it sounded like a dream. His life would be in the control of someone else and during that time he would hopefully be able to choose what he wanted to do. Plans, Finn thought to himself as he turned to his house, were freaking sweet - why didn't he think of making one earlier?

Because Rachel wasn't raped before, a snide voice added in his head. With chagrin and guilt, Finn admitted that it was true. He never realized how cool it felt to help someone, to put them back on their feet and reunite them with the path they were supposed to be taking. To be the one that protected others from pain, the person that grateful eyes turned to and thanked - it felt amazing. And what better job could there be to help people (besides like medical, but no one would want him in care of other people) than the military? He would be able to protect the people that he loved, and there were some pretty nice benefits as well.

The Army was his way out, the charge to start the fire inside of him and prove to the world that Finn Hudson wasn't another Lima Loser. That he could become the hero his father was.

x

Finn had planned to tell the family before dinner, but his throat constructed with nerves and fear as he entered the kitchen after an hour of solitude in his bedroom, trying to think of things to say. Kurt and Carole were teasing Burt, much to his step-father's ire and humor, and the mood in the dining room was light and carefree. He didn't want to be the bombshell that fell and ruined it for everyone, but he had to buck up and tell them. It would be an understatement if he said he wasn't scared about telling them, his mother especially, as he felt like he was having a freaking heart attack or something.

What would she say? How would she react? And, worse, would she try to stop him? The questions, along with hundreds of others, twirled around in his head just like he was dragging a piece of chicken around his mashed potatoes. Usually, he would of downed his mother's amazing cooking but his stomach was already filled - with dread and anxiety.

"Finn?" His eyes snapped up at his mother's voice, and was meet with the sight of his family staring back at him. Their plates were mostly empty while his was still loaded, something that was unheard of when dealing with him. He noted the Hummels but he couldn't move away from Carole's penetrating gaze, her knowing eyes delving into him. She had always been able to read him, to know how he was feeling even when he really didn't know himself. "Is something bothering you, dear? You've barely touched your food."

"I-I wanted t-to..." Finn started awkwardly, his face burning with embarrassment as he swallowed forcibly and tried again. "I have something to tell you...and I just want you all to listen before I'm done, okay?"

"Sure, honey," Carole placed her fork onto the table, exchanging a nervous glance with Burt. The two Hummels looked confused, but Kurt gave Finn a knowing look that made Finn wonder if Rachel had told him. Every since the incident in the choir room, the two of them had been almost inseparable - which Finn was split between happiness, that she was spending time with her old friends again, and annoyance, he had gotten used to their time together and there was an empty feeling when he wasn't with her. But he realized he better get used to that feeling, especially when he went to boot camp.

Putting his own utensils down, Finn cleared his throat and stared directly down at his plate. Drawing up his courage and thinking of Rachel, standing on a stage and singing her heart out without a fear of breaking down, he lifted his head and began. "My whole life I never truly understood who I was, just went with the flow and never really cared where I went. But I wasn't happy...some people just know whom they are meant to be while I really had no idea as I wasn't good at anything except football."

Carole and Burt were still looking at him, both itching to ask him what the hell he was talking about, while Kurt was beaming.

"But then I was introduced to music and glee club, and Rachel," Finn couldn't help but to smile, and, to everyone's surprise, Kurt stood up, his chair flying as he threw himself at Finn and wrapped his arms around the taller boy's neck in a hug. Finn blinked, startled. "Kurt?"

"I'm so happy for you two," Kurt shrieked, pulling back and giving Finn a watery smile as tears were falling down his face. He looked as excited as he did when that Vogue magazine came a week earlier than expected, and to say Finn was confused was an understatement. "I'll plan everything, you won't have to worry about a thing!"

Kurt jumped away from Finn and started to pace the kitchen, wringing his hands and looking as he had when Burt gave Finn and him money to decorate their room when they first moved in with each other. "Rachel's dark hair would look beautiful against a white dress! And by Madonna, I know the perfect wedding dress-"

"Wait!" Finn felt his face flush, but this time with embarrassment as Burt and Carole flashed to him with looks split between destruction and horror. "I'm not marrying Rachel! I mean, maybe, someday when - just not right now." Jabbering quickly, he only felt himself turn a brighter red as now Kurt, looking very disappointed, was eying him with distaste; his panic rose to another level as the the room suddenly seemed very cramped and warm. "I'm not marrying Rachel, I'm enlisting into the Army!"

He practically shouted the last word and a heavy silence fell over the kitchen, the lite mood shattering as everyone froze. Three stunned faces stared back at him, their mouths open and eyes wide as Finn just gulped.

Crap, this was defiantly not going as he planned.

His gaze sought out his mother's but he was forced to turn aside at the emptiness and pain shining in them, a pain that Finn recognized. It was the same look she always adopted when she spoke of her deceased husband. He found a special interest in the zipper of his hoodie as he tried to explain his feelings. "I always felt this odd emptiness inside my body that I never really understood, and thought maybe it was because I never knew my father besides what Mom told me."

"Oh, God," Carole sobbed and buried her head in her heads, her cries shaking her body even though Burt slid his chair next to hers and wrapped his arms around his wife. He was still looking at Finn even when he was soothing Carole, a proud and understanding expression upon his face. His son, however, was turning red with rage, his eyebrows shooting up into his bangs.

Not knowing what to do, Finn just kept on going. "I never really meet him, that I could remember anyway, but I always wanted to make him proud of me. I am his son, and I don't want him to give his life up for a boy that was a disappointment or did absolutely nothing with his life-"

"Don't say that, Finn! You're father would be proud of you, just like I am," Carole suddenly cried from her hands, lifting her head up just as Finn did. He was startled by the intensity of her gaze and her voice, his mother was always so gently unless she was stressed about something - which, Finn realized, now would be the perfect time for stress. "You're a good boy and I never could ask for a better son, a better boy - no, a better man. You don't need to join the Army to make him proud because you do that by simply living. Don't do this-"

Finn suddenly felt a rush of anger and he had to restrain himself from slamming his fists down upon the table - they didn't understand! "NO! I am not smart enough to get into college, I don't have enough talent in music to do anything with it as a career, and I can't even get a stupid scholarship with sports; what choices do I have? I don't want to stay here and be a Lima Loser for the rest of my life, I want to do something with my life."

"Finn, be reasonable!" Carole begged, reaching a hand out for her son to take but he only slide his chair away from it. "There are different options than military, and you don't know what you want yet - it's perfectly normal for a kid your age."

"I'm not a kid," Finn growled, standing up as he realized he would have to do the very thing he was hoping to avoid. "I'm eighteen, a legal adult and in control of my choices. You even said yourself I'm a man now, and a man takes the wheel of his own life. So, I'm joining the Army no matter if you want me to or not...I just want you to at least support me in my first decision that really means something tome." His last words came out as a whine of desperation, but he didn't care as his ire rose over what they were making him do, couldn't they understand?

"Stop it, Finn!" Kurt yelled, his high voice echoing through the house and Finn turned his glare onto him. The smaller boy's eyes were filled with disappointment and anger, his face turned down into a scowl. "Stop it!"

"Stop what?"

"RUNNING!" Kurt was screaming in his face now, tears falling down his face as he stomped his foot. "Aren't you tired of running from everything? Your whole life that is all you have done! You ran from glee club because you thought it would make people dislike you and your popularity go down; you ran from any confrontation, like with me and Karofsky last year; and you can't face the hard issues so you usually walk away from them or try to ignore them, hoping for an easy way out."

Finn felt his anger slowly trickle away as a cold numbing feeling flowed through his body, forcing him to sit back down again. Kurt's words were true, the thought hit him hard and he literally flinched. He did run away from everything, but this time he wasn't. This was something way more. "I'm not running away now," Finn argued. "I just want my father to be proud-"

"Proud of a son who leaves his girlfriend by herself? Proud of a boy who can't deal with the drama she is putting him in?" Kurt demanded, his rage shocking Finn as he rarely saw the well-dressed and -manicured boy ever get angry, especially to this extent. "You're running from Rachel, Finn, aren't you? You can't deal with what she is going through so you have to leave her - you have to run away."

"No," Finn whispered softly, shaking his head at his step-brother's words. They weren't true, they weren't! He was doing this to figure out a life for himself, not leave Rachel. He couldn't even comprehend enlisting in the Army only because Rachel got raped and he couldn't handle her situation. "I just want to be someone whom people look at with respect, and feel good about myself...I want to be a man like my father, I want to be a hero!"

"He wasn't a hero!"

Silence dominated the room again as the two boys turned to Carole in shock, Finn's face confused and hurt. His mother was staring back at him with pity and sadness, her eyes still flowing with tears. It wasn't the tears or the look she was giving him that made Finn's body shake and his stomach turn. It was the obvious truth and conviction that Carole had said the words which did, and he couldn't understand why. His whole life he had been told that his father was someone to be proud of, that he gave his own life to save those at home - he was a hero!

And now the very same person, his mother, was telling him that they were all lies?

"What?" Finn finally asked, his face scrunched as he tried to understand what the hell was going on - this was _defiantly_ not how he expected the night to be going.

Carole took a breath, letting it out slowly before taking another one. "Please, Finn...you have to understand that your father was a good man, one of the best." She let out a half-sob half-chuckle as her eyes burned red with tears. "He had the weirdest sense of humor, like you, and he was always so caring and polite. He always thought that he needed to help someone, to make the world a better place. Thus, enlisting into the war.

"But something...happened," His mother was still crying but her voice was determined and steady, almost relieved. Finn could only stare at her, transfixed and rooted to his chair; her words making him crave to know more about his father, but also he couldn't help but to feel repulsed. "Something that changed him, that wounded him on the inside and scarred him...leading him to use drugs."

Finn's heart was in his throat as he stared at his mother, the one he admired for his entire life, the one who was lying to him the whole time. His wasn't sure what was hurting him more - the truth or that his mother was a liar.

"Chris was sent back home," Carole continued, pain visible in her eyes at her silent son. "He tried, he really did try to get clean which I have no doubt was for you, but...but it was too much for him. There were days where the man I married was smiling back at me and playing with you, then there was days where he would just...disappear. At first, it was only for a couple of hours, which became days, then weeks..." Carole's voice broke and Burt was about to pull her into him, but she pulled away and shook her head. "No, he needs to know...

"Finn, your dad died in Cincinnati due to an overdose, not in battle."

Finn felt like he was going to throw up, his stomach twisting and knotting inside of him. His whole body was trembling, but it wasn't the worst of it. It was how that small flicker, that small spark, was extinguished; stomped on by the very thing that lit it. He could barely wrap his mind around it, unable to and not wanting to - his father wasn't a hero, he wasn't any better than a druggie.

He was a Lima Loser - like his son.

"Finn?" Kurt's voice broke his thoughts and he returned his focus to the kitchen, his mother still looking at him. Sorrow and pain were in her expression, though a pleading look dominated her eyes. She was begging him to understand, to see why she did what she did.

But he couldn't.

"Why did you lie to me?" Finn asked her, shooting up in his seat and slamming his fists upon the table, a glass falling to the floor with a loud crash. His screams echoed through the house and his throat ripped with the intensity of his anger and disbelief. "No - how could you lie to me? I'm your son, don't you think I deserve the fucking truth?"

"Finn," Burt warned, attempting to put a restraining hand on his step-son. "Watch your-"

"Why should I watch my words when she was the one who lied! She lied to me!" Finn roared, slapping the hand away with all his strength. His chest was heaving with anger and the room was dimming into a red blur, his mother's tearful face increasing his rage. Why was she crying, she wasn't the one who was being lied to her whole fucking life. "Don't you dare say for me to watch my language! The one person I thought I could count on for the rest of my life is a disappoint, like everything else in my crappy, fucking life!"

"Please," Carole begged. "Finn-"

"**_NO_**! I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear it from any of you!" Finn screamed, twisting his body around so he wouldn't have to see her. Though, his emotions made him swing out his fist and fling his plate off the table and smash against a wall. His skin burned and itched, he wanted to strike out at everything - to cause pain and destruction. His pain was overwhelming and he need an outlet or he was going to explode, and he never knew what he would do if that happened...The last time he had been ready to kill his best friend, and that anger didn't even compare to the pain he was feeling now.

_His whole life...lies._

"Finn, please, settle down," Kurt whined and Finn turned to him, eyes narrowed in frustration and body trembling with barely controlled rage. The younger boy had tears in his eyes and he was reaching out a comforting hand. "Please, just calm down."

"I don't want to calm down!" He snapped, feeling an ugly sense of satisfaction as his brother flinched. "No...I have a better idea, I'm going to do the only thing I'm really good at, as you pointed out so well-

"Running."

Then, ignoring the screams and pleas for him to come back, he speed out the door and away from his life; anger, disappointment, and cruel genetics following behind him like a raging wildfire, mocking him with the memories of that brief moment where he felt like he had a future...a spark of existence.

**Hope you enjoyed, next chapter is going to be a doozy! Also, I think about one more chapter and then the epilogue, then done with story! Hope you enjoyed and will be kind enough to review. Again, I apologize for missing my schedule...stupid internet.**


	15. Meant to Be

**A/N: It's Friday, Friday! New chapter! Ya! Sorry, a little excited today for some reason. Hope you guys really enjoy this chapter, only the Epilogue to go after this! Please read, review, and, most importantly, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee/Fox/Ryan Murphy Productions/You get the point. **

15) Meant To Be

"What do you mean "he is gone?" Rachel asked, her heart starting to beat painfully in her chest. Her dream of Finn rose up in her mind, and she felt her body tremble with horror. If anything happened to him...she wouldn't know what to do, how to survive. "What happened to Finn? Is he okay? Did he get hurt?"

"He's fine...physically," Kurt muttered, wringing his hands and constantly flicking his gaze down the street, making her look at that way as well but she didn't see Finn or any sign of the broad-chested boy that she loved so much. "But...Rachel, he's hurting bad. I don't know what to do...he ran off."

"Where is he? What way did he go?" Rachel clutched at Kurt by the arms, shaking him to release the tension that was burning through her system. Her friend's cryptic words only made her want to find Finn more, she needed to help him. He was the only thing important to her, he was the reason why she was trying so hard to continue. He was her, and she was him; they were meant to be from the first time they ever exchanged looks, that flash of knowing bursting through them unexpectedly - something she could only determine as love at first sight.

"Rachel, I don't know if he wants to be followed," Kurt said, giving her large doe eyes that only made her angrier. She didn't want that answer and flung him away from her body, the thin boy almost stumbling with the sudden adrenaline rush that coursed through her.

"He didn't let me run away, he never gave up on me!" Rachel screamed, tears of desperation and intent filling her eyes. "And I am going to do the same for him, especially when he needs me the most! How can you just stand here and do nothin' but wait?"

"Rachel, he learned something about his father - he wasn't the hero he was expecting him to be," Kurt tried to explain, his face paler than usual. "He was a druggie and OD in Cincinnati...he didn't die in the war, and Finn isn't taking it well. He'll come back when he cools down, so we should just wait and let him come back; he always does."

Rachel closed her eyes, feeling his pain, knowing how much it had to ruin Finn's life, his need to know the single person that he honored above everyone else. His father was his crutch, his tool to finally find a place for himself...and he was let down, disappointed once again. It was the exact same thing Rachel had experienced, the destruction of her dreams, of her goals. One spark burnt it all down, leaving everything hopeless and gray with ash; an empty spot in her mind, a mark that would last forever.

And the only solution they had was to wait...

"NO! You're doing exactly what you shouldn't be - nothing! He needs help, you can't just ignore that." Rachel ran to her car, her hands shaking as she turned it on and pulled out of the driveway. Slamming her finger down on the window mechanism, she hollered out the window, "I'm going to find him, no matter if I have to drive all night. I can't let anyone else let him down!"

With that, she snapped her window up again and speed down the street. Her tears were blinding her vision slightly, but she felt her jaw set (an action she adopted from Finn) and hands tighten upon the steering wheel. "Don't worry, Finn - you won't be alone. I'm coming."

xXx

Thump.

Thump.

The only sound he heard was the loud thumping of his sneakers against the street pavement, trying to focus upon that instead of the overbearing feeling of dread and anger that hung over him. Familiar buildings and houses flew by him but he recognized nothing, this wasn't his world anymore. It was the place of the son of a drug addict, a bum - a blight upon the rest of the planet. A mocking smile, twisted crookedly, and burning cinnamon eyes, flared with deceit and cruelty, reflected back at him whenever he passed a window or a mirror, taunting him with their familiarity.

Thump.

Thump.

_He wasn't a hero!_

Thump.

Thump.

_Something that changed him, that wounded him on the inside and scarred him...leading him to use drugs._

Thump.

_Finn, your dad died in Cincinnati due to an overdose, not in battle._

His mother's words plagued him as he ran, cursing himself as he tried to focus upon the beating of his feet. No matter his concentration or trying to lose himself in the rhythm, they always managed to get through. They kept replaying over and over in his head, mocking him with the lies and the distrust; each a stab into his heart as his life trickled away with each step he took.

_He tried...for you, but...but it was too much for him._

"No!"

Before Finn knew it, he stumbled against the sidewalk's edge and fell to the pavement, not even throwing out his arms to catch himself in the suddenness. One of the knees of his jeans tore and his bare arms burned against the cool concrete, but he didn't care. The pain was welcoming, it brought a numbness that nothing else could of brought; a beautiful and much-sought distraction from his life that was draining away to be replaced by a cold emptiness that threatened to swallow him whole.

Laying on the ground, uncaring that blood was starting to sprinkle his arms, he wept. The tears came down his cheeks in tides, unashamed of them as he curled his body around himself. The pain, the constant reminders of his life, the stab in his heart whenever he thought of his parents - he would never be able to run from it. He was only fooling himself, he realized bitterly, there was no running from this, he was never going to be able to escape his pain or his parentage.

He was born a loser, bred from two of the finest - a druggie and liar - and he was doomed for the rest of his life. There was no hope for him, no dream that would sustain him. This had to be the reason! This had to be why nothing ever worked for him, why everything good in his life died and left him craving more.

It wasn't fair! Where was his happiness?

A flash of light erupted around him and he heard the screeching of tires, everything coming as if from a distance. Without thinking, he raised his head and blinked dully at the scene before him. A small car, swerving to avoid his body as it lay in the middle of the street, had done a complete U-turn. Black, shiny skid marks grooved the street and the smell of burning rubber was heavy in the air, making Finn cringe his nose as it suddenly brought him memories of the tire shop.

His future.

Finn dropped his head back against the street again, wishing bitterly that the car would have just ran him over and ended it. There would be no more lies, no hopeless feeling that clogged his heart and made it difficult to breath, no more pain. So easy, to just have let it all end...no more misery.

"Finn!"

The sound of a door slamming, and with quick steps followed soon after, meet him, the tall boy barely able to lift his face before a petite form was next to him, clasping her hands around his face as she peered into his eyes. Beautiful brown eyes, shining with tears and fear, reflected two orbs of dull cinnamon, lifeless and uncaring. Finn squinted at the girl, his lethargic state of numbness overpowering him as he tried to make out the face.

Haloed in the headlights of her car and her shiny hair glowing like the sun, Finn couldn't help but to believe she was a star. Everything about her was perfect - her hair, her clothes, her smile, the way her hands brushed softly across his jaw lovingly, how her perfume wafted around him like a small blanket, the ache inside his chest whenever he saw her lips. Nothing was wrong with this girl, her

future was graved in stone to be prosperous and worthwhile.

She was perfect, she was a star.

She was Rachel Berry.

Her eyes darted across his face, searching for something that he didn't know or want to know. Was she trying to find something important, something worthy? Well, Finn lowered his eyes away from hers, she was never going to find it...because there was nothing there but disappointment and failure.

"Finn? Are you okay? C-can you hear me?" Rachel's voice, pure and sweet, rang in his head. Flashbacks of all the times he heard that voice, either talking, singing, or yelling, rushed upon him. His life had been so much simpler then, he had something to live for but now there was only emptiness and grim memories of better times. "Please, say something!"

"Go away and leave me alone," Finn returned, his voice hallow and sounding nothing like himself. It was the tone of a defeated boy, a whine of a dog who was beat down into submission, finally forced to face the hard realities of life. Finn didn't want her to see him this way, not to see the pity and sorrow in her eyes - feelings that she felt for him! He didn't deserve her sympathy, he didn't deserve her.

"No, I'm not leaving you," Rachel's stubborn voice replied, and Finn felt her snap his head up to look at her fully. Her eyes were wide, not with sadness, but with such rage that he momentarily forgot about his problems in shock. With hair dangling into her face and mouth set determinedly, Rachel looked as if she was ready to take on an army. It was an expression he was used to seeing whenever she stood up for something she was proud of or believed in.

"You listen here, Finnegan Hudson." Rachel leaned in so close that Finn thought she was going to kiss him, but stopped a few inches away. "I don't care if you want to run from your family, your friends, and, maybe even, your life. But you will never run from me, I will not allow it. I don't care if it's storming or snowing, I will follow you wherever you go. I. Am. Never. Going. To. Leave. You...Do you understand me?"

Finn could only stare at her, her words slowly soaking into his head. Rachel, seeing that he wasn't responding, shook his head and glared at him fully in the eye, tears pouring down her face now. "_Do you understand me_?"

"I-I do," Finn muttered, his voice cracking. A look of relief crossed Rachel's face and she supported her forehead against his, a watery smile of relief upon her face.

"I was so scared for you."

"Scared?" Finn asked, feeling as if he was in another world. His chest ached with sadness and emptiness, but his heart beat with love for the girl before him, the young woman crying tears and looking out for him. She had been there, always honest with him in the end, and never tearing him down like a useless piece of wallpaper. She cared for him...

"Of course!" Rachel chuckled, sounding odd with the tears and sobs still racking her body. "You lost a piece of you, Finn. Your dream was taken away, ripped away like a toy from a child. The emptiness, the suffocating, the pain - I know it all. I was dealt the same punch."

Finn broke down, he couldn't stand holding everything back anymore. Burying his head into his girlfriend's slim shoulder, he cried. "I don't get it, why does this always happen to me, to us? Where is my happiness? When do I get to look at something I've done proudly and not feel regret? Where is my dream that comes true, why does nothing good every happen to me...Why do I always get the crap of the barrel...Rach, why?"

Rachel was silent for a moment, kissing the top of his head once before finally saying, "Because we expect too much out of ourselves, take everything simple, and things we believe to be there forever, for granted. We put our standards so high and impossible that crashing isn't possible to avoid, I think it is why so many people turn to alcohol and drugs, or run away. It's so much easier to hide our disappointments and nightmares than to face them...just like you and me."

Finn shook his head, unbelieving of her words. "No, all I wanted was to find something I was good at and make my dad proud of me...but all I want to do now is scream at him and ask why the fuck he killed himself, why he went to drugs and left his family behind."

"Finn, oh, Finn." Rachel's soft voice tickled at his hair but he didn't mind - hell, he wouldn't have cared if someone punched him in the face at that moment. His whole life was thrown around, screwed-up like a kid tossed it at a wall and smashed it into thousands of pieces. Defeat and failure ripped through him like claws, leaving burning trails in their wake and making him face the horrors of his life over and over.

His father was a drug addict; his mother was a liar; he had no talent good enough to support him; he failed.

"I failed, Rach," He muttered into her shirt, the coolness feeling like heaven upon his fevered face. "I can't do anything! I can't sing, I can't dance or act, I'm not smart, I can barely walk and talk at the same time - I'm not even good enough to keep my father away from drugs, I failed him!"

The reason of his pain was suddenly there, in plain sight and obvious. He wasn't angry at his father or his mother, he was angry at himself. "I wasn't even good enough to keep him alive, I wasn't important enough to make him choose me over drugs. I failed him...I failed my own father." His words were nothing more than a whisper but he felt like he was screaming them, confessing to the world that he wasn't as perfect as he wanted to be, that he was no better than anyone else.

Suddenly, with a thrust, Finn's head was moved away from Rachel's shoulder and she was kissing him, her lips tight against his. Her hands were grabbing the lapels of his sweatshirt and pulling him into her, demanding more. Warmth and love speared from the kiss to the rest of his body, making him feel like he was suddenly awakening from a fog. He enjoyed the moment, the taste of her lips, before she pulled away and meet his eyes again with her sharp gaze.

"Finn, I love you," Rachel said, a smile tugging at her jaw. "But none of that was your fault, you can't be blamed for the death of your father. There had to be a reason, there had to be something else why...I would never be able to understand how he could've not loved you - you're caring, loving, and so sweet. I couldn't imagine a better son than you, Finn."

Finn eyes wavered on her, a small part of him recognizing the wisdom of her words while another wanted to cringe away and scream hopelessly. "I would've loved him, Rachel. I would have tried to make him so proud of me, I would of done everything for him."

"I know, Finn, I know," said Rachel. "Because that is just how you are." She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him back into her shoulder, brushing his thick hair with soft gestures. "Some things are just out of our control...the weather, accidents, death, rape..." Her voice tightened but she kept going. "Your father was a good man, I know it. I bet something happened to him that was traumatizing and so horrible not even his son and wife could have helped him."

Finn shook his head dejectedly and pulled away from Rachel, breaking their contact. Her words were comforting and appeased the pain, but how was she able to sound so sure, to know everything? "You don't know that!" Finn snapped, bristling angrily as Rachel only grabbed his hand and squeezed. "How can you know how he felt, how he was? He could've been a disgusting ass for all we know."

"He wasn't." Rachel stated firmly, a wide smile crossing her face. "Because a disgusting ass would never be able to make such a sweet, caring boy like you. He gave me you and for that I can't believe he was horrible."

"What makes me better than anyone else?" Finn shook his head again, the ache of emptiness smothering him again. "And why does everything happen to me? Why do I always lose everything I hope to be good at...where is my star?" He sniffed and eyed her appreciatively, "You're so lucky, Rach. You were born to be a star and that is exactly what you are going to be...I was born a disgrace and that is forever who I'll be."

"No! You're not!" Rachel screamed, shaking her head as if to ward off the words. "You weren't born a disgrace and I wasn't born a star, nor am I one." She lifted a finger and put it against his lips as he tried to argue. "Listen to me, please."

Finn, seeing her determination and the resolve burning in her brown-eyed gaze, nodded.

"I once thought like you did, that I was going to make something of myself and become a star," Rachel started, a sad smile upon her face. "But then my life changed - I was raped. It wasn't fair, I was angry and just wanted to have everything return to the way it was. Then I realized that it never was...and I believed the easiest way to deal with that was to escape, to run...so, I tried to kill myself."

Rachel removed the bracelet around her wrist and showed it to him, the slow-healing cut glistening in the lights of her car. Finn suddenly felt ashamed, remembering his own anger and disappointment at Rachel when she tried to end her life, to escape.

To run.

"But...but, then there was you," Rachel gave a light laugh, tears filling her eyes again. "You, Finn, you. Not your father, not Kurt - but you. You, not once, allowed me to run away or ignore the pain. You showed me to face it head on, to learn, not to hide it, but to accept it and continue on living. I had given up, but you showed me that there was more to life than being famous or having money."

She smiled. "I am not a star, but you are, Finn. You're my star, my guiding light, and for that I will never allow you to run away...though I don't think I could manage throwing you over my shoulder and locking you in my car until you realize I'm right."

Finn grinned at the joke, his heart swelling with such emotion that it overpowered the emptiness. The ache lessened in his chest, replaced by contentment that he never realized was there all along. His dad may have let him down, his mother lied to him, but Rachel had been there through it all with him. She was there, holding his hand and giving support that she never lessened, never removed. She helped him when he was down, pondered on him when he was sick, and, now, she was saving him.

He may not have dreams or a plan, but one thing was certain to Finn at that moment.

He loved Rachel Berry and he would never let go of that love, not for anything. The idea of running away was stupid, he realized, as he was leaving the only thing that really mattered in his life: Rach.

"You're right, Rach, I realize that now." Finn's cinnamon gaze meet her brown one. "I will always love you, Rach. You're my star, too."

Rachel eyes shimmered and the next moment, he was engulfed in everything Rachel. Her perfume burned in his nose, the taste of her lips and the soft expanse of skin under his hands overran his senses, losing himself as he brought Rachel in close for a kiss. His arms still smarted and his back was cold against the street, but all his thoughts were upon the content rippling through his body and the girl laying on his chest.

The girl he loved.

The girl whom he saved, and the girl who saved him.

**I got a little crazy with the similes and metaphors, but I hope you still enjoyed! Please hit that box below and review, it would be much appreciated and very encouraged. Until next time, bye!  
><strong>


	16. Sectionals

**Epilogue! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee/Fox/Ryan Murphy/Pretty much anything cool**

16) Sectionals

Finn took a deep breath, the feeling of suffocation slowly tightening around him as Rachel fixed his tie for the umpteenth time. She was muttering to herself as she tied it, analyzed it with critical eyes, then unfurled it to try again. Glancing down, he saw that it was perfect (actually it had been perfect the last four times) but he didn't make a comment. He knew that Rachel was just nervous and this was a way of relieving it - plus he had a reason to stare at her face without her knowing.

The last month had been something...special, Finn could only describe it as that. After that incident on the road they had been practically inseparable. Finn was there when she was practicing for her next NYADA audition; Rachel watching him work at Burt's shop. Of course, he had zoned out half of what she was singing and her eyes always glazed over whenever he tried to point out different tools, but the meaning was there. It brought a new level of understanding to their relationship - well, that was what Rachel said and Finn didn't really know what that meant exactly, but he agreed.

She was always beautiful to him but now there was something more. He never stopped loving her, but now he accepted and cherished everything about her, even her flaws. Even when she was yelling at him for something he couldn't even remember doing, he admired the way her eyes sparkled and how her whole body shook with her emotions and determination. No matter if she was smiling, laughing, shouting, or crying, she was the one for him; that connection, that tether, he felt between them occasionally was now there all the time, even when they were annoyed at the other for something stupid, and it was the reason they always came back the next day with apologies on their lips.

Finn loved her and he would for forever, his debt to her was never going to be able to repaid back in full. Rachel had saved him that night, not only for helping him through the pain but also for preventing him from making the biggest mistake of his life: running away. How he ever thought that was rational, he would never know, but he knew now that it would've only made the pain worse as he would have been leaving the most important thing to him in his life.

Rachel Berry.

Finn smiled at her, and placed a large palm over her hands as she was about to undo the tie again. "Babe, it's perfect."

Rachel looked up at him and blinked, looking like she had totally forgotten about him. Blushing furiously, she took a step back and nodded apologetically. "Sorry, I'm just a little nervous."

"Nervous? Rachel Berry?" Finn raised an eyebrow at her sarcastically, feigning disbelief. "I thought you never got nervous before a competition?"

"I used to but that was...before everything happened," Rachel muttered, brushing a stray piece of hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear, but it only perked right back out. Her hair, still somewhat short compared to her old length, was growing and every day the old Rachel was slowly emerging, but she would never be the same. That same naive and oblivious girl was gone and replaced by a experienced and cautious woman, ready to guard herself from the hardships of the world and not taking anything for granted. Rachel smiled sheepishly at him, "I guess I'm just scared that the judges will see past the facade and see the scars, see the imperfect performer in front of them."

"No, Rachel, they won't," Finn argued, coming close to her and properly moving the astray piece of her hair behind her ear firmly. After, he cupped her face in his hands affectionately and leaned in close. "Don't ever think you're less than perfect, because you are perfect. Screw the judges, I mean, seriously? They're judging a musical competition with two groups from the same school and a bunch of smelly old people-"

"_Finn_!"

"And if they don't see that you're the true star because they don't think you're perfect? Then screw them!" Finn smiled at her again, eyes flicking from her lips to her wide eyes. "And there's nothing I would change about you - ever."

Rachel returned the smile, shifting herself forward so she could lay her head against his chest. "How do you know how to say all the right things? I mean, you didn't even know what chivalry meant in sophomore year."

"Again, just too genius for your mind," Finn smirked, stroking her soft hair as a rush of peace and content wrapped around him. This was his spot, here, comforting his girlfriend and holding her protectively. "You'll learn that someday."

He felt Rachel smile against his shirt then she took a step back, giving him an angry look. "You better not have messed up my hair - I can't look ruffled when I go out there!"

Finn chuckled at her mock indignation and shook his head, giving her a crooked grin as he winked down at her. "I love you, too, babe."

"Love you," Rachel returned, reaching up to glide her hands around his neck and pull him down to meet her mouth. Finn didn't protest. His lips pressed tightly against hers, feeling another flash of warmth and happiness excite him; the brief moment making him crave more so he brought her in close with a jerk of his arms, smiling at her small gasp of surprise and amusement.

"Ugh, I think I'm going to barf," a snide voice broke their moment, and both turned to see Santana and the rest of the girls come walking from stage. Their faces were flushed and proud from their performance, the sound of applause and cheering still coming from the auditorium. The Latina knocked an eyebrow and gave them a little wave. "Hello, welcome back from the land of cream puffs and gnomes! Did you enjoy your stay?"

"Very," Finn smiled at her annoyingly, hoping to irk the girl in front of him but she only snickered.

"Good, Pillsbury Dough Boy," Santana purred, and gestured towards the stage. "I left the oven nice and warm for you...hope you just don't get burned. I mean, how can you not after the Troubled Tones' amazing performance?"

She didn't want for them to respond and only turned away, enjoying the fact that she has the last word, and bounced after Brittany. Finn watched her for a moment, thinking that he would feel annoyed at her comment but he, surprisingly, wasn't. It actually made him glad, for, even if the world was totally spun on its axis or blow up by aliens, Santana would always remain a cold-hearted bitch.

"Somethings just don't change, do they?" Rachel asked at his elbow, mirroring his thoughts perfectly and making him smile down at her. She returned it, and a grasped his hand with her smaller one. "Like us. I'll always love you, Finn."

Finn grinned crookedly. "Don't love me enough to tell me what you're singing though?"

"Ha, nice try," Rachel shook her head at his persistence. "It's a surprise, just like your song is for me! I still can't believe you persuaded Mr. Schuester into allowing us to do this."

"Well, with Santana and Mercedes leaving the glee club to make their own, there wasn't much competition for solos," Finn said. It was his idea for them two to sing songs at sectionals, then the rest join in a big group number to finish it all off. Mr. Schu, hesitant at first, eventually agreed to it as Finn badgered him for a week straight.

It was Rachel's idea, however, for them to pick songs and have the boys sing with Finn and the girls with Rachel; also, to keep the song choice a secret from the other group. Finn was split between annoyance and amusement, but he didn't argue. That didn't stop him from bugging her though and pleading to tell him her song choice, which Rachel always shook her head at and smiled.

"You'll listen," Rachel would always say, her grin teasing as she repeated it again as they were finally directed onto the stage with the rest of New Directions in tow.

Finn couldn't help but to grin as the bright lights and applause struck him, momentarily losing himself in the euphoria of performing. Then he saw Rachel approach the microphone, looking dazzling in her dress and the light emphasized everything beautiful about her. A wide smile was upon her own face as she looked out at the audience, looking thrilled and happy with no trace of nervousness. There she was, Finn thought to himself, that was his Rach.

"Hello!" Rachel exclaimed to the audience, her voice full of life and cheer. "I just would like to thank you all for coming here today and showing support for the arts. Some people may brush off singing, orchestra, and music all together as nothing of importance, but they are wrong! Music is the strongest means of showing our emotions we can hope for and it's more than just making money off of or becoming famous.

"It's about living through it," Rachel continued, her eyes sparkling with her belief and entrapping the audience in a web with her words like they were doing with Finn. He had never felt more alive than in that moment, more bright, more in love with that girl. "Music saved me as through it I found my true friends and my best friend." Finn didn't need Kurt to pock him and Tina and Quinn to throw him looks of approval to know that his girlfriend was speaking about him; his heart was already warming at the words, making him want to rush forward and kiss her.

But they seriously didn't need a repeat of last year, so he contained himself to a grin and a promise of later.

"Music is life, a part of mine, and I hope that it is also a part of yours!" Rachel smiles, took a bow, then nodded for Finn to take over. As he was walking towards it, she brushed a hand against his arm and whispered, "Music may be a part, but you're the rest. I love you, Finn."

"I love you, Rach." He hastily whispered back, but she only nodded again and gave him a blush of happiness with grin. Then, it was his turn. Finn glanced at the audience, almost sensing their impatience to start so he only lowered his head and said, "And through music, we show how we truly feel and that is what we are going to do tonight. Please enjoy, and thank you."

He turned around, the lights lowering to almost pitch black except for a faint silver light that glided along the stage and shone the New Direction boys in a pale aura as the girls moved to the side. The tall boy took his spot at the front, drew a breath to calm his nerves and excitement, then began his song; the music swelling up to greet him.

_When I see your smile  
>Tears run down my face<br>I can't replace  
>And now that I'm stronger I've figured out<em>

_How this world turns cold  
>And breaks through my soul<br>And I know, I'll find deep inside me  
>I can be the one<em>

_I will never let you fall  
>I'll stand up with you forever<br>I'll be there for you through it all  
>Even if saving you sends me to Heaven.<em>

_It's okay, it's okay, it's okay._

_Seasons are changing and waves are crashing  
>And stars are falling all for us<br>Days grown longer and nights grow shorter  
>I can show you, I'll be the one<br>_

_I will never let you fall  
>I'll stand up with you forever<br>I'll be there for you through it all  
>Even if saving you sends me to Heaven<em>

_'Cause you're my, you're my, my  
>My true love, my whole heart<br>Please don't throw that away_

_'Cause I'm here for you  
>Please don't walk away<br>And please tell me, you'll stay, stay!  
><em>

Finn slammed his foot down, a loud and potent crash exploding through the music as he did. The words, strong and powerful with emotion, grabbed him and set his body on fire. Tears were streaming down his face, but he didn't care as he knew exactly whom he was singing this for and why. His voice was joined with the other boys, bringing a beautiful array of power and emotion to the audience as the beat coursed through the auditorium.

_Use my as you will  
>Pull my strings just for a thrill<br>And I know, I'll be okay  
>Though my skies are turning gray<em>

_I will never let you fall  
>I will stand up with you forever<br>I'll be there for you through it all  
>Even if saving you sends me to Heaven<em>

_I will never let you fall  
>I'll stand up with you forever<br>I'll be there for you through it all  
>Even if saving you sends me to Heaven<em>

Looking to his side, Finn meet the eyes of Rachel. The connection grew so potently that he was surprised that there wasn't a line attaching him to Rachel. He could see the tears in her eyes and smile upon her face, love and joy shining so brightly that Finn almost had to turn away without blushing but he didn't. That would be so _uncool_ as he finished the last words of the song as the music slowly started to fade away, dieing as he sang:

_I will never let you fall  
>I will stand up with you forever<em>

Then the lights died all together and Finn moved off the stage, memorizing where he was supposed to go in the dark. He heard a couple of people shriek at the sudden darkness, but he only grinned and anticipated what Rachel would sing. It wasn't long before he heard a faint humming, a rich and beautiful sound that Finn knew the owner of immediately. A second after, the stage was flooded in a stream of golden light that blazed Rachel, Tina, and Quinn in a fire.

_I can read your mind and I know your story  
>I see what you're going through<br>It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry  
>But I know it will come to you<em>

_Don't surrender 'cause you can win  
>In this thing called love<em>

When you want it the most there's no easy way out  
>When you're ready to go and you heart's left in doubt<br>Don't give up on your faith  
>Love comes to those who believe it<br>And that's the way it is

_When you question me for a simple answer  
>I don't know what to say, no<br>But it's plain to see, if we stick together  
>You're gonna find a way, yeah<em>

_So don't surrender 'cause you can win  
>In this thing called love<em>

_When you want it the most there's no easy way out  
>When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt<br>Don't give up on your faith  
>Love comes to those who believe it<br>And that's the way it is_

_When life is empty with no tomorrow  
>And loneliness starts to call<br>Baby, don't worry, forget your sorrow_

Rachel lifted her head back, her small frame arching as she belted out the words that made Finn feel a rush of inspiration.

_'Cause love's gonna conquer it all!_

Finn couldn't contain himself, nor did the rest of the boys it seemed, as they all rushed out to stand next to their fellow glee members. He immediately went to Rachel's side, clasping her hand in his as he beamed at her as she finished the rest of the song; the melody wrapping around the couple as they swayed with the the music. Content and hope pushing at him so forcefully he felt like he was going to explode, but Rachel smiled at him and everything was right; this was where he belonged, forever with her.

_**And that's the way it is.**_

_****_**I hope you all enjoyed the story! I am going to make a second story that answers all the unanswered questions: What does Rachel and Finn do with their futures? Will they break up at the end of the year? Does Rachel ever tell anyone else about being raped? And - the big one - does Finn learn it was Jesse who did it and, if he does, what will happen to him? There are more but I'm tired, it has been a busy year so far and it's only getting busier so I have to put this on the back-burner for awhile, but I might be back! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my story and, I hope, that you will review. Bye!  
><strong>


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